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amygilson95 · Jul 20, 2014, 09:48 PM

My boyfriend is lovely. Well educated. Couldn't do enough for me. However I sometimes feel because he has the "power" of money he uses it against me. For example in arguments he will say very hurtful things like I'm just using him, or I'm not grateful and don't contribute enough, but then say he didn't mean it, but he keeps saying it. He also says hurtful things like he doesn't know why he's with me, I'm an arrogant nasty, hateful girl, but then when we aren't arguing he says he didn't mean it. He was just angry but he keeps saying it. He always brings up the things I've done like if I have made a mistake he will bring it up in an argument. Why is this?

When I question him he says I'm just trying to make him sound nasty - he doesn't let me explain things either if he wants an answer he won't let me explain he will over talk me and say Yes or no.. yes or no... yes or no, and if I try and explain he says "Why is there always a but...?

I feel unloved and I feel like I'm in his way or just a pain. How do I stop this?

J_9 · Jul 20, 2014, 10:02 PM

If you want this to stop you need to leave him. This is emotional abuse, plain and simple. This is how he is and you can't change him.

odinn7 · Jul 21, 2014, 07:52 AM

He's a jerk and you can do better without him. He will not change...well, maybe he will but it won't be better. If he does change, he will only get worse.

joypulv · Jul 21, 2014, 07:59 AM

What does he expect you to contribute (if you won't kiss his feet in gratitude for his money)? Housekeeping and cooking? Massages and sex? It's the age old problem of the rich man wanting both mother and prostitute (or just eye candy for walking down the street, if you aren't having sex). If you don't want any part of that, either don't let him spend money on you, or leave him.

You asked how to 'stop' this. You don't change people.

talaniman · Jul 21, 2014, 08:38 AM

He feels entitled to treat you like a dumbass because you take it. You want to change it, then stop taking this crap. You tell him point blank you will not tolerate such disrespect, and be willing to do more than just feel bad about it, cuss him out, burn his breakfast, or LEAVE. When he over talks you, tell him to shut up and listen.

He treats you like you let him, so if you want better, DEMAND better. Why do you compromise YOUR own dignity, and self respect?

catonsville · Jul 21, 2014, 09:00 AM

Consider him a Leopard with big black spots who is always out to kill his pray. The spots will not change, neither will he because you let him. As has been said "time to move on" out of reach of the leopard.

DoulaLC · Jul 21, 2014, 11:42 AM

Time to stand up to him or leave him. Speaking up takes practice, however, if you aren't used to it. Couples often fall into a bit of a routine in how they deal with problems... taking on the same roles, with similar results, and often the issue not really even being dealt with when all is said and done.

When he goes on with the "yes or no" bit, simply stop talking, wait for him to stop, then tell him that you'll answer him when he remains quiet and allows you to finish speaking....or tell him that you would like to set a time to talk about it later when he is not so angry. Same with the hurtful things... stop responding and wait, don't argue with him. Just as you would with a child, tell him "When you are done acting that way I will discuss this with you in a calm manner". Refuse to get drawn into the arguments.

Some people need to put others down to make themselves feel bigger, in control, have the upper hand, etc. They are more interested in "winning" the argument than in listening to what you have to say.

If you don't feel anything will change, or you don't feel you have the energy or desire to work at it, then leave. Life is too short and just not worth that sort of treatment or aggravation. There are plenty of men available who know how to treat a woman with more respect.

Nisha Solanki · Jul 22, 2014, 05:40 AM

Hi,
Your boyfriend says all those things to you and then you say he is lovely.
Look, he may love you truly but may be he is short-tempered so may be he won't be able to express his feelings. So when you'll let him know how you feel when he makes you feel happy and when he makes you feel bad. For sure he will understand his girlfriend(love)'s view that is how you feel.

Does he loves you and do you love him?
DON'T LEAVE HIM IF YOU REALLY LOVE HIM. IF HE IS NOT THE PERSON THAT YOU WANT THEN "YOU" MAKE HIM THE GOOD PERSON THAT IS THE PERSON THAT YOU WANT.

Cat1864 · Jul 22, 2014, 06:57 AM

You cannot change another person if they do not want or see a need to change. The only person you have control over is yourself.

Love is not a reason to stay in a relationship that is destroying how you feel about yourself. If you feel emotionally drained or like you are walking on eggshells when you are with him and especially when you are not, then it may be time to decide you mean more to yourself than he does.

I think he has emotional baggage from his past relationships that he is trying to make you carry for him. That is unfair to you. He needs to deal with his past and learn to understand you aren't his ex(es.) You deserve more from him than to be a substitute for the people who hurt him in the past.

You can try sitting down with him and discussing the relationship and how to communicate with each other. Before starting agree to take breaks if the communications start breaking down. Do something to lighten things up and then start again. Listen to each other the way you want the other person to listen.

I am going to ask this and I hope you will be honest with yourself. Has he ever threatened violence, used violence or have you been afraid he might?

Nisha Solanki · Jul 22, 2014, 10:01 AM

That is what I want to say that let him know what you feel when he hurts you then if he will care for you then he will try not to hurt you anymore but if he doesn't understand then make a decision to leave him but after making him realise that why you left him.

Let us properly know that when he hurts you what does he do and when he says "I didn't mean it" does he apologize? Is it LTR with him?

odinn7 · Jul 22, 2014, 10:31 AM

DON'T LEAVE HIM IF YOU REALLY LOVE HIM. IF HE IS NOT THE PERSON THAT YOU WANT THEN "YOU" MAKE HIM THE GOOD PERSON THAT IS THE PERSON THAT YOU WANT.

That is absolute BS! Put up with his crap because she loves him? Change him? You can't change someone that doesn't want to be changed and a bully like this will not accept it. Terrible advice!

smoothy · Jul 22, 2014, 10:59 AM

Hi,
Your boyfriend says all those things to you and then you say he is lovely.
Look, he may love you truly but may be he is short-tempered so may be he won't be able to express his feelings. So when you'll let him know how you feel when he makes you feel happy and when he makes you feel bad. For sure he will understand his girlfriend(love)'s view that is how you feel.

Does he loves you and do you love him?
DON'T LEAVE HIM IF YOU REALLY LOVE HIM. IF HE IS NOT THE PERSON THAT YOU WANT THEN "YOU" MAKE HIM THE GOOD PERSON THAT IS THE PERSON THAT YOU WANT.

Let me guess, Are you 16? Because you aren't an adult, and you certainly haven't dated very many people and you most certainly aren't married to anyone. Or you would know what is wrong with what you said.

"YOU" can't change anyone else... "YOU" can't make a bad person a good one. "YOU" would have more success teaching a pig to sing opera, than "YOU" would have changing anyone into the person you want.

You find the person you want (meaning you leave those who aren't)... you can't create them... thats a naïve assumption, and in cases of someone abusive... a dangerous one as well.