[lotsfits]

To begin, it's coming to the 8th year of our relationship now. We had a normal relationship for the first 2 years, then long distance relationship until the fourth year, followed by staying together until now. I'm now 31, she's a year younger, and we're both each other's first lover.

Over the years, we've had quarrels, and one or two times of serious fight because she found out I was meeting new girls online during our LDR years. I have stopped meeting new girls since then.

She doesn't like my choice of friends so I had to cut off almost all of my friends and socialising is extremely rare for me for several years. So all these years with her, I only know my colleagues, and once in a while, go out with her and her friends. We don't have a nightlife as she feels it's not safe outside at night and she doesn't like nightlife anyway.

She earns about 25% more than me, so in order to help with the house rent, utility, household goods, meals and other expenses we never really separate our money. She has access to my bank accounts, so do I with hers, but she's the one doing the money management and I am not complaining since I am not helping and she earns more than me.

Once in a while, she checks my phone for suspicious stuffs, so I never dared to meet anyone new. I'm still fine with that.

Now here's the problem: I have high sex drive, and she has almost zero.

We have never had sex, still virgins, although we had mutual masturbations. Once in a long while she gives a blowjob. For the rest of the days I masturbate. I masturbate once every two days, and sometimes every day.

I used to think that we both can tolerate each other and continue the relationship but the more I think about it, the more I doubt it. She will nag and scold almost on a daily basis on a lot of things that I do, how I place stuffs at home, how I use tools, how I do this, do that. I don't blame her because that's just our difference in preferences. She doesn't agree with this statement and insists that she is right. To stop arguing, usually I just nod or agree with her.

So I have reached a conclusion that she is not happy with how I do things, and I am not happy that she's not interested in sex.

Recently we bought a house and she paid for most of it, as she has more savings that I do, and she has some fund support from her parents as well. Naturally the sole owner should be her, so I have no complain about this.

Thing is, the house is under renovation now and almost done. Once it's done, we will be looking into marriage (albeit low in terms of profile and cost as we mutually agreed), and then the story will continue from there.

I'm starting to freak out now because I fear that once we are married, things will get even worse. Although we have mutually agreed not to have a baby and focus on building wealth and traveling around the world, I don't feel excited or happy at all.

I don't want to beg for sex from my future wife or getting sex out of sympathy. I want someone who will want to get physical and intimate with me, and enjoy sex for herself not for me. Sex only on bed, with lights switched off, only after shower, only at night, only once or twice a month, all those made me fearful.

If I'm an old, bald, ugly and fat (sorry no offense to anyone I'm just referring to cultural stereotypes), then I can understand that she's not into getting physical with me, but I'm not. I stand 2 inches shy above her, ranks in the middle of the BMI chart, and is considered good looking (as complimented by my colleagues, the only people I meet) although no where near Brad Pitt. I admit I live a sedentary lifestyle currently and doesn't have abs that kill, but hey, I think I still look okay, yes?

So maybe I'm just bad on bed? I don't know, but compared to some guys who don't pet, don't give oral, don't communicate, fail to give their girl orgasms, just fall asleep when they have ejaculated, and many more, I am not any of that! I enjoy sex, and I enjoy satisfying her anyway she wants it first, and I don't mind receiving last. But the thing is, she is simply not interested.

Am I at fault here for wanting to give up the relationship? We only live once, should we just stay together for the sake of meeting the requirements of social norms?

She is a good girl, I wish there's just a suitable man for her, because apparently it took me this long to find out that I'm not the right man for her.

Do you think she can do just fine if we break up? She can't really drive and all this while I'm the one driving her everywhere, from work to leisure. If I leave her will she be lonely, depressed or develop some kind of psychological issues?

This is a really, really, really difficult decision for me, but I think in some points in our lives there are times we have to make this kind of decisions, and now I'm facing one.

Please, help.

[joypulv]

I'm not sure why you feel the need to justify your wish to break this relationship. I don't know what culture/country you are in, and I suppose that might have something to do with this. You may be worried that 8 years of her 20s 'wasted' will mean that she will have a tough time finding someone else. Given that she wants to delay having children anyway, that shouldn't be a concern. She CAN find someone else, and it isn't too late. You don't even have to figure out how to divide the house, given that she is the real owner. So just tell her! Don't drag it out, and don't say stupid things like 'It's not you; it's me.' Tell her that you can't see a lifetime of not agreeing on the most fundamental things about a relationship, including sex and who your friends are. I consider the demand to give up friends the worst.
Yes, breaking up is painful for most of us. Wimping out and staying is just going to make her more disagreeable, because she probably senses how you feel. So do it!

[smoothy]

There is no way to do it without pain... so the best thing you can do is just do it now rather than prolong the agony.

There is one thing worse than being walked out on... and that's being strung along.

"Time invested" is the absolute worst reason for two people to stay together...

[odinn7]

No easy way to break up without hurting someone. On the other hand, you talk about marriage coming soon...do you really want to live like that for the rest of your life only because you are afraid of hurting her by breaking up?

[Oliver2011]

Wow. What a mess. Now granted we have only heard your side of things but I think, and the others have expressed it, that you are making the right decision. You never want to limp into a marriage hoping things will get better. That isn't the way to start one. But she doesn't appear to be putting into the relationship the same things you are, so you breaking up with her may be relief. 8 years is quite the investment.

[talaniman]

You don't really need a reason to breakup if you want to go and you may as well since you are afraid to deal with the fallout of actually expressing yourself. 8 years is one hell of a preview of the future, and I suspect you were too much of a coward to leave 6/7 years ago.

Well don't be a coward for not one more day is my suggestion. Expect her to be hurt and mad but thats just the way it goes.

[DoulaLC]

Keep it short and sweet... make it sooner than later... you never know, she may be feeling much the same way and hasn't said anything for the same reason. Regardless, it will be painful... there's no way around it. It will be an adjustment for both of you, but in time you both will find someone better suited.