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    MaxyWelsh's Avatar
    MaxyWelsh Posts: 18, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Apr 4, 2007, 12:54 AM
    I want to go, but feel like I should stay
    First a bit of background information for this question.
    My husband is a very good provider, earning a good wage. I feel it enough for me to stay at home with the children - he wants a more comfortable life style. I'm happy to work my casual job as a teacher, but the money is infrequent.
    I feel that my husband is quite negative and his words and actions often bring myself and the kids down. He is often critical of what we do.
    Now here is the spanner for the works: I am trying to build a career as a writer. It's not going as smoothly as we would like and I have trouble making money. My husband is verbally supportive, but then his actions are not helpful.
    One more complication: our children have been a source of conflict ofr my husband and I. Our son has ADHD and occaisional seizures, so his behaviour is often immature. Our daughter is very strong willed and will grow up to be quite spolit if we don't keep a tight reign on her... so leaving would also rock the boat for them, making them even harder for me to deal with.
    I often think about leaving, but then I would cut off my means of support for myself and the children and I make my dream career much harder to achieve (though not completely impossible). I can't decide to stay or go.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5645

    Apr 4, 2007, 04:01 AM
    Have you been to counseling? Single or marriage counseling?

    If you have not, that is where you should start. At least with counseling for yourself. It will help you to learn to deal with your children better, and maybe relate to your husband.

    He sounds like he could benefit from counseling too, but it can be hard to get a man to go to counseling.

    Being a writer can be a tough job in that it is not known to make one rich, there are exceptions, but for the most part it is not all wine and roses at the end of the day. So, yes, trouble making money is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to writers.

    Think about starting with counseling for yourself. Give it about a year, then think again what you want out of this life 5 years down the road.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,270, Reputation: 10853

    Apr 4, 2007, 04:32 AM
    You seem to have a number of issues going, not in the least is being there for your kids.
    But then his actions are not helpful.
    I don't fully understand what that means, but its obvious the two of you are having problems coming to terms about the best way to work together to achieve a mutual goal. Honest communications are what's needed and a qualified third party can help with the process of learning how to communicate with each other better. Keep talking and listen to each other, and know that there are no quick fixes, and these problems you face, will not be solved over night. Be patient and work together, to come up with a plan to solve these problems. It would help to talk to people who have been where your going. Personally my wife and I had decided that she be home for the kids, and she waited until they where ready to graduate, and she was free to pursue her own career, as there was a lot more time for her to do so, without a lot of family issues in the way. Once the kids are up in age a lot of time to do whatever you want will be available.
    Squiffy's Avatar
    Squiffy Posts: 499, Reputation: 84
    Full Member

    Apr 4, 2007, 05:10 AM
    It sounds like there is a few sources of conflict in the marriage. The money issue, well he sounds like he wants you to get a proper job, and you would rather pursue your dream job. If that is to be resolved you need to find a compromise. Maybe get a better job, and keep your dream as a hobby at least until the kids are off your hands. The kids, well I would say your husband needs to grow up a little if your sons behaviour is an issue for him. Looking after a child with problems is hard work, but that is his problem as well as yours so he needs to be supportive of both you and your son. As for leaving him and cutting off your means of support, that is no real reason to stay in a marriage, you can keep a roof over their heads and he will still have to help support you.

    I agree counselling may be a good idea, but how he will feel about it, none of us know.
    MaxyWelsh's Avatar
    MaxyWelsh Posts: 18, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Apr 4, 2007, 02:25 PM
    Thanks for your advice.

    We have already tried counseling and it always yields the same results. My husband agrees to the suggestions made by the counselor about changes that need to take place (from both of us) and then never actually takes it on board. Once again he pays lip service to what he thinks I want to hear, but then doesn't deliver on his promises (and just to make it perfectly clear it is a two way street, I promise to make changes too. I take it on board and do my damdest to follow through, then usually give up because I feel like it's all one sided.
    OK here is an example of what I mean.
    My husband will promise to lighten up about things not being done around the house the way HE wants them done. Then days later he will come home and say the place is a pig sty (it's not, there are a few toys on the floor, some books and shoes not put away and some dishes that haven't yet made it to the sink). Then he will chase us all around berating us for being lazy (he directs it at the children mostly but I know he he is basically saying I should have made them do it too) until its cleaned the way he wants it done.
    We have very different priorities, and standards, which really worries me.
    He doesn't see me being at home as a priority. I see it as number one priority - especially with a son with some special needs (which, by the way, my husband refuses to recognise and treats him like a normal boy who is just very naughty - that isn't the case, our son can't help what he does most of the time. My husband only attends the very occaisional doctors appointment with us, and doesn't hear what the specialist says is 'normal' for a child like ours, but he refuses to believe it from me).
    It's not easy for me to clean, take care of two high maintenance children, and build a career from home (I chose writing because I COULD work from home and be there when the kids need me). I do wish my husband would just lower his expectations about the standard of living he wants and agree that I could just be there for the kids.
    I know I'm not a saint - I do get lazy sometimes and don't clean as well as might be expected. But more often than not I haven't cleaned because I have been writing, or doing things with the children. My husband believes the children shouldn't have such a high priority... that is one of our biggest problems.
    The thing is - he is a good man really. He doesn't drink, smoke, gamble or cheat and even though he might push his kids a way a little, he does still love them.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,270, Reputation: 10853

    Apr 4, 2007, 05:34 PM
    Maybe you could come at this another way, as in a careful scrutiny of time management. A way to be more efficient. Sorry I don't think the husband is of much help but that's no reason to quite. You need a plan that you can work yourself. Allocate your time around everyone's needs and leave time for yourself after the kids are in bed. Focus on the goals, not the obstacles.
    gypsy456's Avatar
    gypsy456 Posts: 319, Reputation: 48
    Full Member

    Apr 5, 2007, 11:39 AM
    I read between the lines that there is anger in your husband for you not working... and that he takes out by blaming that the house is not clean enough... it's probably a lot more that's going on... as for you admitting that you get lazy sometimes.. make a "to do list" for yourself... every day a couple of things and show him that you make an effort too... Marriage is not easy, it takes hard work. Excuse me for saying this but it sounds as if you throw everything in a big hat and shake the hat... it's too much that's going on... one step at the time to work on your goals.

    Good luck.
    MaxyWelsh's Avatar
    MaxyWelsh Posts: 18, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Apr 5, 2007, 03:56 PM
    Gypsy - sound advice, thought I wasn't sure what you meant by throwing everything in a hat... do you mean I pile up all my problems? You are probably right.
    talaniman - looks like you have the same advice as gypsy, and I've tried it before to reasonable effect, time to try again.

    Something positive has happened too, I've seen a super one day a week job that I will apply for that will help Sooo much. It would mean I'd have regular work instead of being on call and paid infrequently, so we can make a firm budget. This job is also right up my alley in terms of what I want to do (it's a craft teacher position and I am more than qualified - I was MADE for this job). Everybody think positively for me!

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