[g_99]

I'm 14 years old and a freshman in high school. I've always been "shy" but more to the point that I'm scared to even open my mouth around anybody. I've always thought that it was that I'm just an introverted person, but recently I realized that I'm not really living a "healthy" life. I am too scared to talk to new people, make any sort of status on social media, or sometimes even go out. I also cannot make eye contact and don't like being looked at in direct light. If I do any of these things, I will have horrible regret about them for a few days to even years. I've also sort of had a history in depression/being bullied.

In the fifth grade I was severely bullied and wanted to be homeschooled more than anything but I was told no. I was bullied more In the seventh grade. Now as a ninth grader I am not as much anymore but this year a lot of my friends/ the people I feel safe around moved. I only really have one person left and she has anxiety, and OCD as well. On the days when she is not at school/not in the class (even though we have most of our classes together) I have a complete breakdown. One day when she was gone I was wearing a scarf for the first time, which obviously isn't that big of a deal, but I felt like everybody was staring and laughing at me and I started to shake uncontrollably and had trouble walking out of the class. At the beginning of the new semester I started P.E and knew absolutely nobody. On the first day I almost hyperventilated and was coughing all day. I eventually hid because I was shaking so hard and didn't want the teacher to know/ people to stare and when I emerged and the teacher saw he told me that I would be first in kickball the next day. Although the uncontrollable coughing kept me out of school for the next week, I haven't been to school since then. That was a month ago.

The last time I made a full week of school was in November and ever since I always miss at least one day a week even though I don't want to. On the days that I skip school it's either because we have something to present, or I just don't want people to look at me. I'm not sure if this is part of the anxiety or just from a history of being bullied, but some days I just can't bring myself to look in the mirror and shake whenever somebody looks at me. But ever since the P.E incident, I have skipped almost a full month of school. A little bit before the second semester started my Mom told me I was allowed to change to my best friend school, which is out of district. I've wanted to do this for years and feel like I really deserve this fresh start. However, the school won't accept me with all my absences so I'm starting homeschool on Monday, and I have an appointment with a counseler tomorrow to talk about my anxiety.

Another problem I have is my home life. My Dad and I aren't on talking terms and let's just say more than once he has upset me to the point that I passed out from hyperventilation, and once even punched him in the face. The reason behind that is he just does things that invade what I'm comfortable with due to my anxiety, like post things on Facebook about me/pictures. This alone would not be enough for me to lash out but he absolutely refuses to take them down and says he can do whatever he wants and has more than once blamed my mom for everything that's wrong with me and told me I am dysfunctional, which causes me to have anxiety and anger attacks. He has also more than once made rude remarks about how I need counseling and this makes me not want to get it because I feel like it won't be to help ME, it will be to satisfy him. My mom and I get along better but sometimes she does rude things as well like just straight up ignoring me, telling me to stop throwing a "tantrum" when I have an anxiety attack, and just makes me feel worthless for my grades and not being able to show up at school.

Now that you know some of the information, my question is basically If I'm doing the right thing? My other friend that has OCD and anxiety will be completely alone and I don't know what's going to happen to her. What should I talk about to the counselor tomorrow? If I told her all the stuff I just said I'm afraid I might break down crying and I don't know if I could live with myself after that. School used to be a safe place for me to get away from my home problems and now I just feel trapped. My biggest fear of all is that I will have the same problem at my new school with my best friend, and that this time there will be no "fresh start". I've thought of suicide before and now I feel like this is my last chance and I don't know how to cope if the same thing happens at the new school.

I realize none of you are medical professionals but I would like any information about what it's like to be homeschooled, what it's like to talk to a counselor, if I will be put on some sort of medication, or if you think help will work for me.

[Wondergirl]

I'm a counselor. What I usually do is spend at least part of the first session connecting with a new client in some way -- our mutual love for cats or pizza or baking or horseback riding or we talk about a certain school subject or annoying people we know -- or whatever it takes. I don't expect a new client to rattle off all his woes right off the bat.

You will want to find a therapist you like and can trust. Give him or her a fair chance, but if you are uncomfortable for any reason, tell the therapist or at least your mom. I would always tell my client that, if I touch on a sore spot or get too nosy, hold up a hand and stay "Stop!" and tell me why. Then we can talk about it and how I can adjust the session to better help. After all, my client and his improvement are what matters.

And yes, meds might be something prescribed to help you smooth out the wrinkles so that those improvements can happen. If you are prescribed something, give it a fair chance to work by taking it when you are supposed to and long enough to get it into your system and begin to see results. (Some work fast and others take weeks to start working.)

Think of this as an adventure! Keep a journal, if you like, and please let us know how things are going for you. As a counselor, I especially am interested and concerned that you get help for this.

[talaniman]

Counseling isn't hard. Just follow the counselors lead, and even show them this thread. Just don't expect instant results and stick to the process. What kind of home schooling is available to you?