[KnowWhatsRight]

10 years ago my husband went through a little less then a year period of drinking heavily. To the point of blackout drinking, passing out, finding himself at friends houses, in the garage, our backyard, what have you without knowing how he got there. I fought hard to get him into rehab. Sober him up. We started going to church. We had more children. In the past 10 years he's a completely different person. Doesn't drink. Doesn't yell. Doesn't loose his temper. Nothing. Even my 17 year old daughter has commended him on how well he's done.

This past weekend after a great family day trip, she asked to sit down and talk to us. She said that she's been waiting for the right time to talk to us about it. She says that during his drunken phase, when he would go pass out in our room when she was in there sleeping because she liked our bed as it was bigger then hers, he molested her. She told us it happened 3 times. He has no recollection at all about it. When she told us, she held his hand and begged him not to do something stupid because she knows he didn't know it was her in the bed. She is asking for us to talk it out. She is begging me to not call the police. She claims to want to put closure on that door of life.

I am absolutely blown away. I feel like my world has just fallen apart. I knew he wasn't a nice person that year. I knew and suspected he was out having affairs, what have you. But I honestly never would have expected this.

And then here I am trying to process this all. He has moved out of the house. There is forgiveness for murderers, for domestic violence, for DUI's resulting in murder. But this there isn't. Ever. And while I am pretty sure I know the right thing to do, the fact that she is begging to just let her talk about it, face it and move on so that she can face it is killing me.

I feel so alone and hurt right now. I look at him and I don't see the monster I dragged to rehab. I see a new man who has pushed and fought to change himself. I look at her and I'm blown away by how calm she is how matter of fact she is. I'm a crying mess and she just hugs me asking me to stop and to please grant her request to be able to talk to us openly about it.

[talaniman]

I realize you are hurt, but so is your daughter so grant her request.

[smearcase]

He is an alcoholic, sober for ten years. That's a really big deal. Is he staying sober now?
Your daughter is the adult in the room. She was trying to bring closure to this unpleasant part of her life.
I agree with tal, listen to your daughter and I say, give your husband the benefit of the doubt.
You have responsibility here to, if you saw your drunken husband go into a bedroom where your daughter was sleeping- 3 times. Sorry.

[Oliver2011]

I agree with the two who have responded.

If you want this to workout as best it can, and we know that you do, put yourself in the passengers seat. This is more about your daughter and your husband. You both should be commended for raising a daughter that can handle this situation as with the delicacy it needed. That is impressive. Now it is your job to help them both work to closure.

[Alty]

I've been molested, was molested by my cousin from the time I was 5.

I mention that because I want you to know, before I post what I post, that I've been where your daughter was, and is now.

Having said that, I also know it's very hard to post all the info in a single thread. One thing really stuck out to me, and made me think that we're not getting the whole story here.

Your daughter said she was sleeping in your bed with you, and her father would come to bed in a drunken stupor and molest her. I'm a very deep sleeper, but I can tell you right now, if my husband was molesting my daughter in my bed, with me in it, I would have noticed. I would have woken up. I don't think there's a person alive, unless deeply medicated, or passed out drunk themselves, that wouldn't have woken up to that.

That part of your thread is really bothering me, and it's making me think that you either had issues too, either alcohol or drugs of some sort, while this was going on, and maybe that's why you're having such a hard time dealing with this, guilt because it happened literally with you right beside both of them.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I really don't think you're telling us your part in all of this.