[sing4u79]

I know that this ultimately is question that I will have to answer for myself, but I thought I'd ask, because maybe some of you have been there.

I have been married for seven years to my husband, who was my first relationship, first everything. I'm 27... we married young. We have no children yet. A few years ago, after moving clear across the country for my husband's new job, I found out that he had deceived me for 1 1/2 years about going to college. He supposedly was getting his GI bill and going to school, but really he had dropped out and was taking out credit cards and loans to pay for our bills and was searching for local "consenting" women on Adult Friend Finder. I don't have proof that he actually did anything other than look at pictures and email them. (I know.. that's bad enough.) I threatened to leave, but stayed because I didn't want to be failure, and I still really loved him and truly believed he would do better. There have been several other times that I caught him on these websites since then. This past August, after once again moving clear across the country again, for his job, I found out that he was emailing women in the cities he was going on business trips to, to see if they wanted to "meet up." Once again.. no proof that anything happened, other than that he obviously had the intent.

My point in all of those details is that I've given him chance after chance, and have threatened many times to leave, but he has always talked me into staying. On top of the "cheating", he has belittled me our entire marriage and called me every name in the book. It doesn't happen all the time, just when something doesn't go his way, substantial or trivial. It has made me bitter towards him, but I have kept my mask on for a long time and have played the good supporting wife. I just found out three weeks ago that he was looking at pictures online again. Now for some people that would be minor, but for me, it shows that he still doesn't care. Since I found out, (three weeks) he has been on his very best behavior, treating me wonderful, and says that he's completely going to change. I've moved into the guest bedroom, and have made financial arrangements for myself. I went and put a deposit on an apartment today. Still... he begs me to stay, and I want to give in.

He won't go to any counselor because he will lose his security clearance with the government for his job (bribery reasons). He's talked to our pastor and told him an abbreviated version of what he's done, but has only gone twice.

Do I take a chance on staying with him yet again... Even though I love him, I'm afraid that I will completely lose respect for myself if he does anything to me again.

[manimuth]

Sing4u, I don't think he shows signs of changing and the reasons are these:

He has deceived you, cheated on you (emotional cheating is still cheating), and has verbally abused you and you are still around! You have lost your credibility because you have made futile threats that were never carried through. Right now, there is no reason for him to change because there were no consequences to his actions and he has you where he wants (wrapped around his finger).

Since you have no kids, I do not see a single reason for you to stick around. Listen to your own instincts. You are not getting the love, honesty, dedication, and care that you deserve. Sing4u, I commend you in taking the right steps in getting ready to move out. I understand it will be hard but stay strong. You are too young and have too much life to live to spend it in such an unhappy marriage.

I wish you strength.

[Dr D]

Please read your letter two or three times and pretend that someone is seeking your advice. You know what advice you will give them. I think that you are just seeking confirmation for a decision that you have made. You have one, and more should follow. I wish you the best.

[RubyPitbull]

Sing, I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Frankly, honey, your husband sounds like he has no respect for you or your marriage.

If you give in to him again, nothing will change. Try to recall what has happened in the past. You find out. You put your foot down. He promises to change. Things are good for a while. Then, BOOM, it happens again. You need to change YOUR pattern before he will change his behavior. Get yourself that apartment. Start arranging joint counseling sessions for you both with your pastor. He needs a big kick in the rear end, a wake up call and this will be it. Use your pastor as the marriage counselor. Do it for as long as it takes. Take your pastor's cues and guidance on this. Do not allow your husband to believe that you will get back together until you are comfortable that he truly realizes what the consequences of his actions are. He needs to understand that you are ready to walk out that marriage door and there will be no second chances again if he screws up again. I think living separately, will really drive the point home to him about how much a part of his life you are and what his lying and selfishness has cost him.

[ggmagoo]

I think the time away from him will do you some good. It will give you sometime to put things into perspective. Once you realized that you life DID NOT come to end when you left him, you will then be able to move on to a healthy relationship... I know you say you don't know if he is doing anything... you don't want to find out the hard way that he is. There is a lot more at risk then him getting some chic pregnant... have relations with every and anyone can be dangerous

[gypsy456]

Ask yourself: don't you deserve somebody who treats you better ?

This man won't change... you have not children, get out of this relationship, move on and build a new life for yourself.

[talaniman]

I think Ruby's suggestion to leave him alone for a long while, was an excellent suggestion. If you stop taking his crap he will have to do a better job as a husband, or hit the road. Honestly you are letting him treat you like this, and you need to stop tolerating this behaviour. Do you honestly want him to be your babies daddy? How could you wish that on an innocent child?

[Becca1025]

Nobody should ever treat you like that ever. I understand you love him and he is your first you said, so this must be very hard as it is usually very hard for people to leave their first love. Go on with your apartment, move out, show him you mean business and that you will not take his sh*t anymore. I honestly cannot tell you if he will change or not, but what do you have to lose at this point? I know your saying "Yeah only my husband" but think about it, he treats you horribly! Staying after all these years and letting him mess up is what makes him not change. If you leave he will realize he screwed up and cannot just say "oh sorry hunny" and then do it again. He will see you mean what you say. He could possibly change and everything can get better. Goodluck

[LATINS01]

Do not ever stay in a relationship where the person you love batters you emotionally. This is sometimes worse then physical abuse because emotional negelect heals slower. He has taken you forgranted and probably is use to this treatment and it has become routine to him. You are a possession to him, and not a person anymore. Another human should never treat another in this way.. Leave even if it is difficult, because the freedom will give you strength and courage.
When a man, sees his life flash right in front of him because he is on a verge of losing his family he will either get angry or come to his senses... An angry man is no man at all will lose all that he loves... If he comes to his senses then you now he has gotten lost, but through your love he has found his way back to your heart. That is when you both will find love in each other again and turn all the bad into good. Good luck

[Fr_Chuck]

First this is not your failure, you are married to a man who does not understand commitment, and if he has emailed enough women, he has hooked up, it is a matter of odds.

Personally I would throw hm and his computer out the door tonight.
He has been given more then enough chances, and has proved he is a dog.

[louie1]

A leopard my dear never changes his spots!!

But you need to realise that for yourself!