[pdxnative83]

My boyfriend and I have been together over 2 years now, we live together and are very very happy. I've noticed that when I see porn on his laptop, it bothers me. And I'm not sure why.
Him looking at other girls doesn't bother me, or even making offhand comments about them.
I look at porn sometimes myself and often roll my eyes at my female friends who get pissed off and spend a week away from their husbands because they caught their husband looking at porn. I don't get mad, just a little sad and uncomfortable.
I have a bit more of a libido than he does and I've told him that whenever he wants, I'm good to go. I don't initiate it as much because I get turned down about 40% of the time and it kind of damages the ego. Could that be why? Because he has a lower libido and still resorts to porn?
Please only helpful suggestions or insights, I don't need snide or rude.

[brilas]

I always think that men watch porn a lot for the fantasy aspect. I think its natural to be a little "sad/uncomfortable" as really who wants their husband or their boyfriend thinking about another woman. But I also believe its natural for men to do their own thing.. its not like its actually going to happen, right? And if it does happen, maybe it could be you suggesting a move you caught him watching or trying something new that he isn't expecting! I've been turned down from my own boyfriend tons of times, and could still catch him in the act.. I think a lot of it is how you go about initiating!

[Cat1864]

It does sound like you are equating looking at porn/masturbation with your own sex appeal. At least on an emotional level.

Take a step back and look at it in a different way. It is less about his libido and more about a physical act that feels good. Porn and masturbation are about scratching an itch. For many it is stress relief. It is more about taking care of one's own needs without having to worry about a partner's needs (or wants.)

He knows you are available, but he probably doesn't want to use you for instant self gratification. He cares about you and the woman you are and doesn't think of you as an object to be used and set aside. I don't think you want him to be selfish in bed thinking only about his needs and not caring about yours, do you?

This does not mean you shouldn't talk to him about things that bother you such as being worried about being turned down. By talking with each other you may find ways to get your libidos more in sync. Just keep in mind that no matter how great sex is or how much you want each other, there are going to be times when you want to have some 'me time'.

One other thing, looking at porn doesn't always mean a person is masturbating just like not looking doesn't mean a person isn't.

Good luck.

[talaniman]

Your feelings, good or bad, glad or sad are your own to deal with. Its very normal for things to be confusing, but handling things whatever it is, in positive, healthy ways is what's desirable, even if its not perfect, or crystal clear.

You seem to be levelheaded and practical, so I doubt you get carried away and act impulsively on those feelings you get. Acknowledging them is half the battle, and you have, and your own self awareness with help you vent them properly and appropriately, and even be able to express them in a nonthreatening positive way.

I think your attitude is healthy myself, and quite reflective.

[Alty]

Porn is often a very confusing thing for women to deal with. Women are emotional, men are more physical. A man watching porn is like a woman enjoying a romance novel. It's about entertainment, not about love, not about who you're attracted to. It's fantasy, and entertainment.

Having said that, it's often hard for women to understand why a man is watching porn when he has the real deal in the bed waiting for him. But it's not about you, it has nothing to do with how he feels about you.

You both have the right to feel fulfilled in this relationship. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Have you told him that you feel like he turns you down, but then watches porn, and that makes you feel undesirable?

Communication really is the most important aspect of a relationship. Talk to him about this. Don't judge, don't be upset, just tell him rationally how you feel about this, and ask him what the two of you can do to change this.