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sanya right · Nov 11, 2013, 10:12 PM

Hello friends, here is my story.

When I was doing my higher secondary education, I don't talk much with people. I haven't interacted with others much. One of my classmates had crush in me. When I came to know about it I didn't react much. After our exams he proposed in me school. I rejected it. He changed his school after that. Occasionally he would come to my school to see me. I knew this but didn't do anything. It was our school preparation holidays for board exams. It was when he got my no from someone and started texting me. He said he wanted to be my friend. I agreed. Our messages continued for months. He would text how much he liked me bla bla... many many things. I started falling for it. Finally I agreed and we were in a relationship.

Everything went good after that. He had many good qualities like he is very affectionate. He showed me tons and tons of love, made me special every moment, very caring and protective, and manly. He is gem of a guy. We never had any physical contact, not even held our hands together, but he was very possessive about me. He hated me talking or texting other guys.

We entered into different stream of education in college. He didn't like my professional course. He would always say guys in your college are bad. They flirt with gals, beware of them. Whenever they try to talk just avoid, loads of advices...I hated it. I am not the type who would fall for it, but he kept on insisting you might be good, but they will change you. We fought plenty of times regarding this. During these fights he would continuously message like 100 messages in 10 minutes. Will make calls continuously until I pick up, even the whole day. If I didn't he would threaten me by calling to my home land line. Despite how much he fights he will ask sorry plenty of times. He will even cry if I didn't talk. He will say if I'm not by his side he can't do anything. We patched up love several times after many many fight and it went on, but his attitude didn't change. He would deny it and his possessive nature increased. I felt like am being controlled by him in the name love.

I felt uneasy. I wanted to end our relationship. He was shocked. He begged me like anything. I can't explain how much he suffered but I wasn't ready to continue further. We broke up. What I did was right or not? Did I betray him?

Wondergirl · Nov 11, 2013, 10:28 PM

No, you have not betrayed him. You have thankfully broken away from a manipulative and controlling man who emotionally and verbally abused you -- and that abuse will eventually escalate to physical abuse to "teach you a lesson and punish you" if you do not conform to his every wish for what you eat or wear or where you go or whom to talk with.

Stay away from him! Do not give in to his crying or demands!

sanya right · Nov 11, 2013, 11:57 PM

@Wonderful girl : Thank you very much. I was dying of guilt that I betrayed him and did not value his love and respect his feelings. Its been 5 months since we broke. I was really worried how was he after I left.Because, he would always say me he would end his life if am not with him. To my relief he is doing good.Now that I saw your reply I am feeling a lot better now.I don't feel guilty anymore. Hope he should find a girl who would selflessly love him and be happy with her for years and years. - sanya

Wondergirl · Nov 12, 2013, 07:50 AM

Originally Posted by sanya right

@Wonderful girl : Thank you very much. I was dying of guilt that I betrayed him and did not value his love and respect his feelings. Its been 5 months since we broke. I was really worried how was he after I left.Because, he would always say me he would end his life if am not with him. To my relief he is doing good.Now that I saw your reply I am feeling a lot better now.I don't feel guilty anymore. Hope he should find a girl who would selflessly love him and be happy with her for years and years. - sanya

The threat of suicide (in this case) was just more controlling and manipulation on his part. As you noticed, he didn't follow through, but is now doing well. I too wish him a good life, but unfortunately, he will behave the same way again and again until he gets help for his controlling behavior and realizes how he is sabotaging his relationships and how he is hurting (and driving away) his girlfriends (and probably others too).

sanya right · Nov 12, 2013, 08:58 AM

My friend is in a relationship and she is struggling so if you can please help her. This guy loved her one sidedly for 3 years. When he proposed her she rejected.later after 1 year or so he started texting her wanting her friendship.I guess within 30 days after he started to converse with her. She told me that they are in a relationship and told me she was really happy to have a guy like him and feels like she is blessed. Slowly the got to know about each other. He dint like her conversing with other guys(men of all age). Her father was the only exception. She dislikes it very much. They fight almost every time because of this other than this everything is pretty good with both. What can be done to change her BF attitude?

Oliver2011 · Nov 12, 2013, 09:11 AM

Controlling people are not attractive and it typically gets worse as time goes on. I would tell her to find someone else.

sanya right · Nov 12, 2013, 09:24 AM

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Controlling people are not attractive and it typically gets worse as time goes on. I would tell her to find someone else.

So, nothing could be done to change him? Ending the relationship is the only way? Is he controlling her? In what way I could not understand? Coz, they both like each other very much

Oliver2011 · Nov 12, 2013, 09:44 AM

He does not own her. He needs to be willing to trust and allow her to talk to whomever she wants to talk to her. Otherwise the controlling will continue to escalate.

Jake2008 · Nov 12, 2013, 12:03 PM

I absolutely agree with Wondergirl. There was enough history with this man to see that he was unlikely to change. He is who he is.

The thing with the level of controlling behavior over you is, it doesn't get better, usually it only increases, and gets worse. It becomes a relationship where one is controlling to an unreasonable, and unnecessary , degree, and the one being controlled loses so much.

Confidence, self esteem, family, friends, hopes and dreams. But most of all, you lose your freedom. And you lose yourself.

Try your best to be reassured that you are feeling guilty because he is still controlling you- even from a distance, and, as more time passes, and you find your feeling of independence again, that guilt will pass. The relationship and the guilt you struggle with will be replaced with confidence in your decision to go your own way.