[hilow79]

I'm a single mom of a six year old girl. She has started telling lies. It's become very difficult for me to know what actually happens in school or in the day care as she has this habit. How can I make her stop from telling lies?

[Wondergirl]

What kind of lies? At this age, children have big imaginations. Maybe she will be a great novelist one day.

[hilow79]

She told me her class teacher slapped her. I asked her several questions about it and she told me very surely that she had hit her. I told her that I was going to call her teacher and would ask her about it, thinking that she would tell me the truth. But she was OK with that. The teacher was shocked to hear this and told me as she was mad at my daughter she had made her stand for five mins(which made me mad).

Thank you wondergirl for your response :)

[Alty]

What are the consequences when she lies?

[hilow79]

I talk to her, tell her fairies won't visit her if she lies. She's into that stuff so.

[joypulv]

Children go through different 'testing' stages, to see what the difference is between being a helpless infant and a new found individual. It isn't malicious at that age. Some testing stages are to say no to everything, to demand to have their way, to hit/bite, and to lie. The trick is to sail through it as serenely as possible, so that the unwanted behavior doesn't become something huge and important to them, adding to their power.

You know that TV commercial where the teenage girl is upset that her jeans got washed and she says 'my life is over?' Her mother says 'OK, don't forget your jeans.'
Try to be like that.

I'm not sure I see a reason to get mad at the teacher for what she did, at least not until you hear the whole story. And although telling your daughter that fairies won't visit isn't 'wrong' (like Pinocchio), it won't be long before she knows it isn't true. I'm more a fan of saying just plain old 'don't lie.'

Children get tested too about learning what's a lie. Parents, older siblings, older kids tease them with lies about anything. I had a ponytail and was told my eyes would fall out if someone pulled on it. I can think of tons of those. It teaches kids to not believe everything they hear, and it seems to be a fact of life, so there's not much to do about it. It helps if it's more of a teasing type of warning, rather than a threat about something dear to them.

[Wondergirl]

I remember when teaching. A student named Kyle (your daughter's age) would tell his teacher that his mom (another teacher at the same school) locked him in the closet every day after school and wouldn't let him out until bedtime. He invented a whole scenario about having to eat his supper in the closet and play with the shoes (his only toys). Of course, it wasn't true.

And then there was Andy. He would tell us that when cars would go too slow, his dad's car was special and could fly OVER all the other cars, so they could get to their destination faster and not be stuck in traffic.

Our kindergarten teacher used to tell parents at orientation -- "I won't believe all the wild stories your child tells me about your home life, if you don't believe all the wild stories you hear about school life."

[Alty]

I talk to her, tell her fairies won't visit her if she lies. She's into that stuff so.

So she lies to you, and you lie to her to get her to stop lying? That's like chastising your child for smoking while you're sitting there with a cigarette in your mouth.

So really there are no consequences when she lies. It's not like the fairies will visit if she stops, so there's no reason to stop, and no consequences when she does it.

There's your problem right there, you're not parenting.

[talaniman]

Make sure you know what the truth is and act accordingly. That means you and the teacher are communicating without her knowing. And a better punishment for lying is sorely needed, like doubling or added chores or less privileges or skipping her favorite activity.

Something REAL.

[hilow79]

That's a bit harsh, but you are so right! Thank you very much!

I'm not good at this computer thing. That was a reply to alty.

It's all clear to me now. Thank you so much joypulv and wondergirl!

[Wondergirl]

Here's what I would do:

I'd cut printer paper the short way into halves and fasten maybe ten pages in the middle to make a book. Then she and I would sit down together to write a story. First, we would brainstorm and talk about who could be in it (animal characters maybe). You could print out the story on separate paper so she could copy your words onto the story pages. And of course, you will need illustrations and can color them in with crayons or temperas. Her "book" will need a cover with her name at the bottom of the cover, just like on a real book.

This will give her a constructive way to tell stories and will focus her into something good.

[Alty]

Here's what I did with my son when he was lying. First I sat down with him and told him that lying was wrong, something good people don't do. We had a long discussion about how lying has consequences, and that if he lied to me, he'd lose privileges.

All was going well, and then one day he came home and told a whopper of a lie. Truth told, it was so long ago that I don't even remember what the lie was. We sat and talked about it, and I took away one of his favorite toys for a week. He didn't really seem to care, so I then did something that I didn't feel great about, but it did work. I told him that on Sunday we'd go to the zoo, his favorite place. He was thrilled.

All week he talked about how excited he was to go to the zoo. Sunday came, he got up, came to ask when we were going. I turned to him and said "We're not. I lied".

He cried for a while, and then we sat down and had a talk. I asked him how it felt when I lied to him. He said he didn't like it, it hurt his feelings. All I had to say was "Ya, it doesn't feel great when someone lies to you, does it? So how do you think I feel when you lie to me?"

He still lied about small things once in a while, but I wouldn't even have to bust him for it, he'd tell me right away, and apologize. He never made up a big lie again. So it worked.

Oh, and we did go the zoo the following Sunday. :)