[bvspence]

Have been with my boyfriend now for almost 3 years. We met at University and have continued the relationship since graduating.

During our relationship one issue of contention has always been going out. He says he doesn't like going on nights out with me (as in, to pubs and clubs) because he wants to get really drunk with the lads and when he does, he can be quite a handful. He says he doesn't like doing this in front of me, so whenever we are together on a night out he feels that he cannot truly unwind.

I, on the other hand, love going out with him. I feel that I can relax, be a bit silly and generally have fun. While at Uni I went out lots on my own as he did not want to participate. I really appreciate that we have a relationship where our trust is not an issue, and that I can go out without him feeling jealous.

The issue arose because we are going back to our Uni town for a final night out, all of our year together, and I asked whether he would want to hang out with me or just be with the lads. He got quite defensive and basically told me I was being over-sensitive and that he never gets to go out on his own, whereas I do. I questioned this, saying that it is a group event and I would feel a bit odd if I was there and he did not want to socialise with me. He felt that I was overreacting, and he said he felt suffocated because whenever he goes on nights outs, I tend to be there. This is usually circumstantial, as we live 200 miles apart but visit each other as much as possible.

Am I being too clingy? I feel it is unfair for him to blame me for not being able to relax as he rarely makes plans to go out and when he does they are usually when I am around, so I feel as though I am intruding when I have no choice but to be there. I don't want him to feel that he can't go out on his own (that's the last thing I want), but I also don't want to feel that I am the reason that he can't have fun. I have told him to make more plans, and he says he can't because his friends aren't around, and when they are I have been there. I have given him ample opportunity to go out without me, and on the day he has always seemed happy to have me there, it is only afterwards that these issues seem to come to light.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Homegirl 50]

That makes no sense. I don;' know why he'd get upset just because you asked him if he'd like to go out as a group or alone. I don't know what he'd be doing that he'd feel embarrassed with you. It's not like you two are strangers.
I don't see you as being overly sensitive at all. If anything, he is overly sensitive.

[odinn7]

I think he sounds like an idiot and I would have to further question his motives for not wanting to go out with you, but only his friends. I understand not being up each others butts all the time but the excuse of unwinding with his friends seems pretty flimsy to me.

[talaniman]

He can't relax with friends when you are not there but wants to be with them when you are there. Did I get that right?

I hope NOT.

[Homegirl 50]

He can't relax when she is around. He likes to get drunk and get unruly and does not want her to see that. Maybe he does not want her to see the real him.

[Fr_Chuck]

He is wanting to do things that would not be proper with you there.

But the real issue is ( get too drunk) anytime there is serious drinking bad things happen.