[LostGirl1987]

Sorry this is so long:

I've been dating this guy for 4 months. Everything has been pretty awesome, although he's always been somewhat distant and not really great at communicating. About a month ago I moved an hour away from him. The first two weeks, things were great. We were messaging often and he came here to visit me for the weekend.

Last week, after a pretty solid weekend together, I noticed he was not texting me as much and ignoring some of my texts. I went to his home town to visit some friends last Friday and he wasn't responding at all and I was so confused. So Saturday, I decided I needed to confront things. I showed up at his house and we had a talk. He told me so many things. Completely opened up to me.

First he told me that he was really happy I had come to his house to see him because he didn't know how to fix the situation. He said he felt reallllly bad about ignoring me and being so distant. But he said he needed space because he was so stressed. He was stressed about his job, stressed about his family, stressed about his car troubles and his lack of time. He said that he wants to hang out with me, but coming to see me for a weekend is a huge commitment and he didn't know how to tell me these things so he just got distant. I was very understanding and after that we had the most amazing weekend. He cooked me breakfast, bought me things, told me how much he appreciated who I was.. and we had amazing sex.. like best ever. He was talking about moving in with me in the summer and coming to see me on the weekend and just telling everyone to **** off . He even talked to me all the way home on the phone because I was so tired and he was concerned about me driving.

So everything seemed fine again. We start talking on Monday and he starts going back on what he said. He says he might not come this weekend after all and I was like... confused, but I understood that he wants to help his family out and be there this weekend. Then he started getting distant again and was ignoring more of my messages. So I wrote him a message asking him what he wants, if he wants to break up, or if he wants me to leave him alone completely. He just wrote "good morning" and acted like nothing had happened. So yesterday I tried asking him if I could call him later. He said "yea we can talk" and I asked for a good time to call him and he ignored me. So I said "mannnn just give me an answer... its not cool to just ignore me.. I don't get it.. I'm so confused, things were good on the weekend now you are ignoring me."

Then like two hours later he says "its kind of scary how obsessed you are with me" I was like ouch, and I tried to explain myself. Like I'm not obsessed with you! I just freak out when you stop talking to me after such a great weekend. Then he said "you seem to just need attention" and again I tried to explain myself. Then he said he doesn't feel he can give me what I need and I asked him what I need and he said "you need someone who will always be there giving you compliments and doing what you want" and that's not even true! I've never asked him for a compliment and I've told him over and over I don't want to date a robot. I assured him that I want him and he does fulfil my needs, but he never responded to that. I tried calling him once and he ignored my call and he hasn't spoken to me since.

Do you think I totally blew it with him? Do you think he will ever talk to me again? Maybe if I just give him space and stop talking to him for a while?

Any advice would be amazing!

[Jake2008]

He sounds like a turtle. Sticks his head out and tentatively allows himself to enjoy the company and companionship of another, then, when the other returns to their home, the head goes back in, and his old self returns. Withdrawn, uncommunicative, distant, and selfish.

After 48 months, you should have a pretty clear understanding that turtle man isn't going to come out of his shell long enough to explore life outside his comfort zone. He retreats when you are gone, and dictates through his actions, that he isn't interested, except when he pops out once in a while.

He talks well for a turtle. He says all the right things, and blames his circumstances for being in hiding, and expresses no honest or sincere desire to change his turtle ways. That is how he chooses to deal with life, and with you.

And the closer you get, the more you are blamed for his behavior toward you. For example, you are stalking him, but nothing you have said indicates anything of a stalking behavior. All you did was believe what he said in a romantic minute, and expected him to at least come out of his shell long enough to return a text message.

I would leave turtles like this alone. The species is unreliable, and for you, has come to be inconsistent with what he says, and does. There is no foundation for a future with him, and starting over with each 'revelation' that explains his behavior, only has you spinning your wheels.

[talaniman]

Like most long distance relationship the lack of communications is making it hard to sustain, and he just isn't into the honest communication thing as you are, or need him to be. His in person charm doesn't translate to messaging, texting, or calling. All essentials in keeping it going.

And he thinks you are needy and insecure, so back off and see if he misses you at all and dump him if he doesn't. He isn't ignoring you, he just doesn't care when you aren't there, and that's no good for you. But you aren't alone, most couples cannot handle LDR's, and the conflict and problems they cause. Helps to have a set schedule for talking, but often that's just not enough for some.

I think the real issue is he doesn't want to leave where he is. I don't know. How old are you both, and why the distance in the first place? Distance is seldom a good thing so soon into a new relationship.

[LostGirl1987]

Thanks for your response :) I'm 25 and he is 27. I don't see why its such a huge issue. We both have cars and only live an hour apart. I had to move for school. Its also strange because the first two weeks were great. We talked all the time. He came to visit me... then he got so distant. I just can't understand it. After 2 days of ignoring me, he msgd me this morning saying "good morning". I didn't respond right away. I actually got back to him around 8pm, saying that I had been busy all day and asked how he was. He said "not bad". Since he didn't ask anything about me or keep the conversation going, I did not respond. I don't know if this was the right move, because I'm not used to communicating with him like this. I feel like he wants to break up with me, but I gave him the chance last weekend. Why wouldn't he have done it then?

[talaniman]

Maybe that's the way he is and he likes things as they are. You have only been in this relationship for 4 months, and already you have a failure to communicate, or work together to the benefit of you both.

I wouldn't chase and hold on to a fellow that's not chasing and holding on to you though. You are wasting your time waiting for him to change and be the way you want him to be so I fail to see why you are still around waiting to be dumped by him?

You have enough of a preview of how he is and will be while you are in school to make your own decision to do what's best for you.