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    Jbuch's Avatar
    Jbuch Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 26, 2013, 06:12 AM
    My Straight Friend
    I'll start with a few details about me; I don't like most people, and the ones I do like usually bore me after 5 minutes or so.

    I met a lesbian at 15, and we meshed perfectly, so 6 years later we entered into an open marriage.

    Then I met him. He's my wife's co-worker, and she brought him home one night to hang out. We hit it off immediately; we think about things in the same way, but are so very different. We mostly focus on religion and spirituality, and the topic often moves on to love sex and passion. He definitely describes himself as straight.

    We've know each for a few months now, and every weekend we get together to share a bottle of wine or two and talk for hours (12 hours of talking last Sunday).

    One thing he mentioned in the middle is that he doesn't like people who are pushovers; he likes people to tell him what they want and what to do. Not demanding, just assertive. He finds it hot when someone can make the decisions. This happened right after I left a decision up to him. It was like he was guiding me on how to get him.

    So, right before my wife gets home, he mentions how he doesn't find men sexually attractive but he gets it and can look at a man, especially one he loves, and think they're beautiful. He thinks honesty is attractive, and that he would prefer a guy to admit that they found him attractive. So I did, and he smiled shyly and thanked me.

    He went on to say that while he wouldn't want a guy to suddenly lean over and start giving him oral, he loves to be touched and wouldn't mind having his scalp rubbed and hair played with.

    My wife came home and turned on the TV, so the moment passed. He kept looking at me a lot, though.

    What do I do? Should I go for it next time? And if so, how long do I wait to make my move? I'd think right away would be creepy, but I don't want to miss my chance.

    When do I know it's safe to make the next move, and what should it be? With gay guys it is easy because they make moves to, but I imagine he will just leave it up to me.

    Please note, I'm not try to get in his pants. All I want is to hold his hand, hold and cuddle him, massage his damaged back and sore feet, and maybe even sleep next to him. If he asked for sex, I'd give it to him without wanting reciprocation, but I don't want to push it in that direction.

    I should also add that he is 19 and I am 25, if it matters.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #2

    Sep 26, 2013, 06:25 AM
    My guess is it is what it is . NO she is not into you, they are into open marriage. If it weren't you it would simply be someone else willing 'to provide their service'
    Jbuch's Avatar
    Jbuch Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Sep 26, 2013, 07:01 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by N0help4u View Post
    My guess is it is what it is . NO she is not into you, they are into open marriage. If it weren't you it would simply be someone else willing 'to provide their service'
    This answer doesn't fit my question. I am male, the girl is my wife (and not really important to the story, any).

    The question is: now that he has "given permission" to caress his hair, when should I do it, and when do I know it's okay to go further.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,250, Reputation: 10853
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    #4

    Sep 26, 2013, 07:18 AM
    One thing he mentioned in the middle is that he doesn't like people who are pushovers; he likes people to tell him what they want and what to do. Not demanding, just assertive. He finds it hot when someone can make the decisions. This happened right after I left a decision up to him. It was like he was guiding me on how to get him.

    So, right before my wife gets home, he mentions how he doesn't find men sexually attractive but he gets it and can look at a man, especially one he loves, and think they're beautiful. He thinks honesty is attractive, and that he would prefer a guy to admit that they found him attractive. So I did, and he smiled shyly and thanked me.

    He went on to say that while he wouldn't want a guy to suddenly lean over and start giving him oral, he loves to be touched and wouldn't mind having his scalp rubbed and hair played with.
    Seems like a road map, but I wonder what your wife advised you to do?
    Jbuch's Avatar
    Jbuch Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Sep 26, 2013, 07:26 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    I wonder what your wife advised you to do?
    She gave bad advice; switch from wine to liquor and drink until he asks for it.

    Not my style. I like this guy, and would rather be friends until old age than have one night of sex.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #6

    Sep 26, 2013, 07:39 AM
    He said what he likes. I'm not sure what is needed to 'make a move.' You can bring up the conversation and say you've been thinking about it, and would like to sit next to him and play with his hair. I'm a woman who used to have a man who brushed my hair. I sat on the floor; he sat on the couch. It was better than sex.

    Actually it's physically awkward to sit next to someone and brush their hair or rub their scalp. Couch/floor is easier.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,250, Reputation: 10853
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    #7

    Sep 26, 2013, 07:52 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jbuch View Post
    She gave bad advice; switch from wine to liquor and drink until he asks for it.

    Not my style. I like this guy, and would rather be friends until old age than have one night of sex.
    Then why are you so worried about when to make a move if long term friendship is the goal? That's not honest, that's a game. You can be assertive, and honest and reach an understanding can't you? Then you will know what the motives is behind his what you perceive is a road map to how to get him.

    Clarity and understanding comes through honest communications, NOT assumptions, presumptions, and high hopes. Friendships grow over time, so what's the hurry? How did your wife or you explain YOUR relationship/marraige?
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #8

    Sep 26, 2013, 08:37 AM
    I think you need to be open and honest with him. No playing games.

    He may not be gay but it sounds like he may be submissive. If that is the case then it would be taking advantage of him to make moves without setting down boundary lines. It would also be unfair to you if he turns you into his latest Dom without giving you the choice especially since it sounds like you may have some submissive qualities too. Dominant/Submissive relationships are more about control and giving it up than pain, restraints, etc.

    He may be giving 'permission', but he may also be forcing you to make the move so he can deny it happened or make you the 'bad' person. What do you really know about his past romances?

    Consenting Adults must know and acknowledge what they are consenting to. Consent should be given without alcohol or hormones making the decision.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692
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    #9

    Sep 26, 2013, 08:40 AM
    He must know your ideas, and he likes hair massage and the such, it sounds like he has an interest but perhaps is not sure, or just slow. Or he is hoping it will involve your wife also, and it is interested in that
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,250, Reputation: 10853
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    #10

    Sep 26, 2013, 08:46 AM
    HMM never thought of him wanting a threesome.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #11

    Sep 26, 2013, 10:15 AM
    Well you only had like 2 sentences in your original post
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
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    #12

    Sep 26, 2013, 12:13 PM
    Why don't you just be honest with him. He told you what he wanted and likes, why don't you do the same. I don't get why you're here asking when and what.
    Jbuch's Avatar
    Jbuch Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Sep 26, 2013, 03:09 PM
    I think I gave too much information, causing my point to get hidden. I just wanted some suggestions on how to know it's the right time.

    joypulv gave the best advice, and at this point I guess it's just my nerves getting in the way. This is my first friendship since I was in middle school that wasn't based on drugs, so I'm just very inexperienced, nervous, and self-conscious.

    Thanks for y
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
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    #14

    Sep 26, 2013, 03:25 PM
    Well if it's friendship you want stay away from the touching and head rubbing and just get to know each other through conversation. His being attractive should be immaterial if it's friendship you want. Try building on that.
    If the guy is straight, I don't know why you're going there in the first place
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #15

    Sep 26, 2013, 04:59 PM
    Most here talk in terms of gay and straight. There really is a vast area in between, and it doesn't have to be called bi.
    As one woman put it once, for her it's only about how she feels at the time about someone.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
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    #16

    Sep 26, 2013, 05:38 PM
    Gay straight or in between, his question is revolving around sexual contact, then he says he just wants friendship. Makes no sense to me.
    Jbuch's Avatar
    Jbuch Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Sep 26, 2013, 05:43 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    Gay straight or in between, his question is revolving around sexual contact, then he says he just wants friendship. Makes no sense to me.
    Why does physical intimacy have to be included in sex? I just want to be close, and if he is interested then I'd like to go down that path. I'm just not sure where the line lies between walking it with him and pushing him down it.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
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    #18

    Sep 26, 2013, 05:47 PM
    You said you wanted to be friends with him. Is physical intimacy part of friendship with you? Do you have no friends where there is no physical intimacy?
    I think that is your main objection with this guy. You are not a child. Tell him what you want and see where it goes, be honest. Stop this I just want to be friends crap.
    Jbuch's Avatar
    Jbuch Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Sep 26, 2013, 05:59 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    You said you wanted to be friends... Stop this I just want to be friends crap.
    I have a few female friends from long ago. At one point or another, I've either shared a bed, gave a massage to, or cuddled with each of them. Are those not just close friendships?

    If not, then what would you call it?

    I don't want a partner, that's what my wife is for (finances, legal, etc).

    I don't necessarily want him as a boyfriend; I'm sure he's not interested in being affectionate in public or going on romantic dates.

    Why does it even need a special label? No two relationships are the same anyway.

    I think I've got my answer, though. I need to just "man up" and go for it. Now I just have to find the courage.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
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    #20

    Sep 26, 2013, 06:08 PM
    Have have close friends, both male and female and cuddling has never been a part of any of them. Just be honest.

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