[Ajek]

Pre-question info (Insight):
For most of my life, I have kept my distance from people. In the past, my friends were people that I barely knew but trusted, and, as I barely knew them, they barely knew me. We kept to ourselves unless we needed the help. Now, however, I have developed new friendships, and these new friends seek insight into my life, my past, my quirks, my fears, my habits, etc. This would be fine, if not for a foolish complication. My first friend in which I got into this kind of friendship was a girl whom I liked; my actions started to reflect this. Due to what I felt was common decency (for she was dating someone) and the fact I was to shy to admit it, I justified my actions with logic (I was a person who focused on study and would put great thought into problems, so I managed to pull this off). However, since I justified my actions with logic, I had to act that way all the time. In order to conceal this first lie, I had to lie about my reasons for just about everything in order to support the lie that logic dictated my actions. I came up with false reasons backed by logic for all of my actions: How I ate, how I wrote, why I run, how I act, heck, I even have a false explanation for how I eat a sandwich the way I do. Despite all of these lies, I have never lied for something important (Well, important to others. Some of my actions are of great importance to me.). Although I have made all these lies, I still have a sense of honor and pride, and, as such, have made it a point to be trust worthy and act with honor. I fear that if I discard this castle of lies I will lose the trust of those around me that I have fought so hard to gain.

Questions:
1. Should I admit to these lies and replace them with the truth, or continue as though these lies are the truth?
2. I have sought the measure of right and wrong for many years. True and false, kind and cruel, it is not one of these. I have applied logic towards problems, and still I have done wrong; intentions ended up doing no better. So, please, what IS the measure of right and wrong?

[joypulv]

You are hiding your feelings for a girl because she is dating someone. I'm not getting how this translates into a life of lies to all those around you, who will lose all trust in you if you start telling the truth. It all sounds so grandly melodramatic. Why are you lying about how you eat a sandwich?

I'm being a bit sarcastic, but I am sympathetic with the fact that you seem to be in love (you say like), and love makes us do strange and foolish things, and heighten our senses.

I am also aware of the same sense of 'life being a lie' at times, and I am in my 60s. I don't think you are alone there. I think it's safe to say that 99.9% of adults DO lie (those who don't have some sort of disorder). We do it to get along with people; to have 'social graces.' We do it out of kindness for our loved ones. We do it out of fear of disrupting the norm, such as about something political (welfare, aid to foreign countries) or ethical (abortion, right to die). We do it because of internal conflict over how we feel, and pick one viewpoint instead of hashing out alternate ones. Do I care about career, getting ahead, being all that I can be, or do I want to stop to smell the flowers, and live a simple more introspective life? That last kind ('what am I doing with my life') hits me so much I'm exhausted. But that last one is really off the subject of right and wrong, and only about what we tell people about ourselves.

So tell us some concrete examples of what the heck this all is really like for you - in regards to the girl you like, in regards to everything.

[Fr_Chuck]

Questions:
1. Should I admit to these lies and replace them with the truth, or continue as though these lies are the truth?
2. I have sought the measure of right and wrong for many years. True and false, kind and cruel, it is not one of these. I have applied logic towards problems, and still I have done wrong; intentions ended up doing no better. So, please, what IS the measure of right and wrong?


1. I have no idea what your rambling is talking about. What lies, about what you eat ? Of course if a girl has a boyfriend, you do not try and get involved, there is no reason to tell her how you feel, you avoid the issues.

It appears you over think things,

yes you need to be honest about things you do, if people need to know but people do not need to know why you eat things, ( how about because you like them? ) friends do not know why we do all things. They are friends.

2. Right or wrong is the measure that your culture and environment sets. If you have religious beliefs, often that religion will set your standard for right or wrong.

If you have no religious faith, or do care about the one you have, then local society decides what is right or wrong.

In the US, it is "wrong" to have two wives, some nations it is legal. But in most places honest is valued by everyone. The issue is, that you do not have to tell or say everything you think or feel

[Homegirl 50]

I think you are bit melodramatic. You lost me at the girl you really like.
I think you need to stop taking yourself so serious and just relax and be yourself.

[N0help4u]

Sounds to me like you are a romantic and as Homegirl says melodramatic which romantics can tend to come off as. You call it a lie to not tell this girl that is in a relationship that you have feelings. To us and many people that is not a lie, it is knowing she is off limits and respecting boundaries. That is not justifying anything, it is knowing and accepting your place in relationship to the friendship you do have with her.

[joypulv]

Hey notice I had first dibs on melodramatic.

[N0help4u]

I'll give you a greenie when I get home. I skimmed through a piece of your reply.

[Ajek]

So tell us some concrete examples of what the heck this all is really like for you - in regards to the girl you like, in regards to everything.

It is painful. I am one of those people who holds everything inside. Anger, sorrow, hate... these things are something I feel but never show. For example, there are people I hate but they do not know, and I have no intention of letting them; I treat them no differently than a friend: If they come for help I help them. If they are getting picked on, I will stand up for them. If someone is talking bad about them, I will defend them if I think their actions were justified. Since I act like this, painful things in my life and past are not know by those around me. When I lie about a reason I do something and it is related to a painful memory it just... starts to tear me down. And, when it is something that continually comes up, it just... can be overwhelming.

An example of a painful lie:
My family was going to California to visit my grandmother, who was dying of cancer. On our way there, we got a call informing us that she had pasted away. It was painful but made worse by the fact we were only a few hours away. Then, the day before the funeral, we were informed that a forest fire started that threatened our home. The following day, just hours before we went to spread here ashes, we received news that our house was lost. Through this whole event, I never shed a single tear, not that I did not love my grandmother I just... couldn't cry; I was and still am ashamed that I never wept. Once we got "home" I started to run. Not to get in shape or anything, running was how I dealt with my anger and frustration. I ran to clear my head, and I ran far. When I go running, I run 5-8 miles. As such, I have always been nagged to join track and stuff. I have tried to kindly brush these ideas away because running just reminds me of my past. Since I came up with a logical reason for my running, there is no reason anyone should think it hurts me emotionally.

Things like this are why I started to become injured by my lies, but the more I was pained by these the worse I felt for all the others. I started thinking: My friends asked about me because they wanted to know me, to understand me. Have I just been trampling all over their good intentions and their friendship to hide my painful past and feelings for a girl? I feel guilty, for all my friends efforts to get to know me were in vain.

[Homegirl 50]

I still don't understand this deception you're talking about. You are hiding your pain.. Many people do that. People don't need to know reasons behind your every action, but If it bothers you so much, do some counseling.

[joypulv]

You try so hard to be pleasant. You try so hard to hide feelings, whether it's unrequited love or a death or your house burning down while you are at a funeral. No wonder you feel fake about everything - you are!
You can undo all this. First the people you don't like. Save the word hate for political despots and child molesters. Stop being nice to the people you don't like - just stop being around them. Don't even say 'I can't go' when you need to say 'I don't want to go.' No apologies, no excuses, no explanations. Don't give them money or things or take them places or help them. They won't bother you after two or three tries. You will be relieved of one huge category of lies.
Second, what's this about not crying? What's that got to do with feeling your life is lies? I don't cry either. I wouldn't even go to my dad's funeral, and I loved him so dearly I can't even express it. And what's wrong with not telling people the real reason why you run? It's none of their business.
You are much, much too wrapped up in propriety and how others perceive you. You feel fake because you are. We all feel it to some extent, each time we gush over something someone did and we aren't the least bit interested, but you have it bad on a very cosmic level.
Free yourself. Stop caring what other people think.

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...do-759640.html

It so typical of young people in your age group to want to be loved by someone and accepted by many. Its natural. Your conflict is in the how to achieve that. How to overcome fear and habit and find out how to be happy with who you are, and who you want to be.

You are already in the process of learning how to deal with your own intense feelings and how to let go of old notions of perceived shame and guilt of the past. Long story short, forgive yourself for the way you handled past experiences, and accept you have much to learn and enjoy the process of growing, exploring, and experiencing new things.

You are 16, you are supposed to be confused and inconsistent as you grow and learn through the experiences and emerging feelings what you feel is right and wrong for YOU. So this is all about you wanting the love and acceptance of a female friend who already has a boyfriend and the solution though hard to do, is simple.

Find other things to do with other friends you make, and don't just sit and go crazy over what you don't/can't have. That would be the right thing to do and keep and build your own dignity, and self respect. Where do you start? Not so much time spent with this female friend, more time exploring the rest of the world.