[Anonymous8]

My mom and I get into so many problems and arguments, that it's almost everyday. I want to keep my anger in and I can manage most of the time by just slipping away to cool down, but sometimes it's hard to have enough self-control to keep my voice inside me. It's just us two at home so there isn't another person to balance the stress out for my mom. I want to change, and I know it's hard to believe, but I just can't seem to. I feel that it will be too late to start now, I'm 14 and I just want to be her perfect duaghter, I really do. But that dream seems miles away. What do I do?

[N0help4u]

Its admirable that you want to please your mom. What things get you angry?

[teacherjenn4]

Tell all of this to your mom, either in a note or in person. I'm sure she will appreciate your honesty and how hard you are trying.

[Anonymous8]

Before anyone else answers I would like to apologize for my wording in the question.

[N0help4u]

What is wrong with your wording that you feel you need to apologize for?

[Homegirl 50]

There is no way you are going to be a perfect teen.
What kind of things do you two argue about?
Are there things your mom likes to do, music she likes to listen to?
Maybe you can make a thing about finding what you have in common and begin to share that way.

[Wondergirl]

How about this? --

Decide on a secret code word or phrase that only you and your mom know about, like "alpacas and llamas" or "Jingleheimerschmidt" or whatever would work for the two of you. That would be the signal that the conversation or someone's emotions are going out of control and a time out has to be called..

[aliseaodo]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Wondergirl again.
Wondergirl! My son and I do that. Not so much anymore, but the 11 - 13 yrs were tough between him and I. The code word was 'leaf' It worked :)

[Anonymous8]

Its admirable that you want to please your mom. What things get you angry?

Sorry for getting back to you so late. We get angry about tons of little stuff, but it seems like she blames me and I blame her for the thing we're aruging about. For instance, if I forget to clean the dishes when I'm off school, she thinks that I "forgot on purpose" and just didn't want to do them, but I just forgot. I'm very forgetful, so I make a list for everything I do, but she thinks that I don't need a list for my daily chores, the things I do everyday. I feel that it helps me, even if I do know what I am suppose to do, but I don't want her thinking I'm stupid so I stopped using a list. Another example of why we get so angry at each other is like when I don't empty the garbage cans when they're overflowing. She either thinks that I don't want to do them or that I don't have enough of common sense to do a simple task. She always says, "A straight "A" student should have enough of common sense to do this." I do empty the trash cans, but on the night before trash day, I think it's logical to take it out the night before so that we can just take the garbage right out to the curb and not let the scavenger animals look through it and see what tastey treats are in there for them. I just don't know what to do because whe I what to bring the subject up about anything like that when we aren't in bad moods then she gets into a bad mood, which makes me into a bad mood and then we do it all over again. I just don't bring it up again, which I think is suppose to be bad to let all your emotions in and never let them out, but I don't want to burst out on my mom. I just need to kow what to do.

[Homegirl 50]

How do you forget to wash dishes when they are in the sink, and how do you forget garbage when it's overflowing? I don't think you forget, I think you put it off then she gets home and it's not done. If these are daily chores, you should do them.

[Jake2008]

If you are aware that the chemistry between your mother and you isn't likely to change, because of her perceptions (chores etc.), then you will just have to accept it, and not talk about it.

If she is critical because you don't do things her way, perfectly, all the time, then carry on the best you can.

When she starts riding you about small things, as she does, realize that she will most likely not think of accommodating her needs, for yours, but she will expect things the other way around.

And we already know, that you trying as hard as you are, isn't going to work.

Start a journal. Let's say the garbage issue comes up, and you've tried every which way to do the garbage, and nothing works. Get your journal out, sit in a quiet place, and start writing out... this garbage issue is driving me nuts. I've tried 'this' and 'that', and yet she is never pleased. But, the plus is, the garbage is out, the chore is done. End of story...

Repeat as necessary. Get it in your head that getting it out of your head is good for yourself esteem and confidence, as well as a good way to realize what the problem was, what you did to solve it, and that the problem is over. No matter how much she nags about it, you will see that much of what she does is predictable, and you can learn how to better control your anger, and your arguments with her, while at the same time, getting chores done.

Another plus is, the less you argue your point in an argument you are never going to win, is that your mother just may back off a bit. She will realize too that the job is done, and not so much that the job is not done to her satisfaction. Arguing with her about it makes a small issue, into a very big issue. Who likes to argue when you have nobody to argue with.

Neither of you need that.