[aurora12]

Hi. My husband has been in our lives for a few years now. My daughter came out a little over a year ago (14 years old) to both of us at the same time. My husband (her stepdad) is very supportive of her. He has gone so far as to take her to gay parades; even being a strict Italian whom looked ridiculously out of place and ill at ease. She actually really seemed to want to be a friend to him and they talked.

However, even now, I am the 'referee'. She will talk comfortably to him about being gay and even relate as 'the man' with women problems or what to do about mom. But then will change in a heartbeat and be really rude to him, scream at him and me, say she is the 'alpha dog' here and that she won't accept him. That he is nothing to her. He is very uptight (he is old school Italian) while we are a very liberal family.

She says he is no fun and doesn't fit with us. He tries so hard though and can't find the right words to defend himself or to her. I am really hoping that someone can answer and tell me your experience with this.

[talaniman]

You cannot have a healthy relationship with a teen, gay or not who hollers, and disrespects BOTH of you. You better sit her down and draw some rules and boundaries of good acceptable behavior because your teen is ruling the house.

[N0help4u]

So he doesn't fit in. What to do? Quit taking her. Be parents and quir trying to be a friend trying to got in.

[aurora12]

Thank you very much for your answers, really. We have sat her down with lines and rules; now almost daily, it seems. The only recourse for negative behavior at her age and with the anger she feels is to take away her x box or her PC. We have done both these things; they work temp. but it also makes her much angrier. We have to be both friends and parents at this point or we will lose her, I am afraid. As parents, I think anyone is aware that there are many dangers a teen can face outside the home that can be dangerous. My feelings are (as are my husband's) that if we make her feel she is alone and push her further, we will lose her and she will just not care. What I really would like to know is how to get past the barrier she has created and find a way for her to understand she is really loved; by both of us. I will not go into past history but will add that she has had a very rough time when she was younger; my husband now is her only father figure and has been for some years. She is hurt; I truthfully feel, especially now, that if my husband came at her with an 'I am your stepfather and these are my rules' approach instead of keeping it where I am the one to enforce and he just being her friend that she will be much worse toward him and it will cause irreperable consequences.

[talaniman]

If she needs help get it for her because maybe you cannot solve her issues on your own. Maybe some one qualified can guide and support you all.

[Jake2008]

She too, knows the dangers she faces if she is out on the street. That would also be her last option.

This isn't about her being gay in my opinion, although I applaud your acceptance of her decision to be honest with you about it.

This is about a teenager taking over your lives. It is time to reverse this. As others have said, she needs more parenting from her parents, than she needs 'friendship'.

Seek counseling to better understand how to set boundaries. Learn that you can take control back in your home, without going to extremes to do so. Discipline is and will be what shapes her into an independent, functioning adult. Chaos or placating her, will lead to more, not less, trouble.

It is okay to set boundaries. Boundaries such as curfew, chores around the house, expectations for school. Basic things that need to be in place, simply because she lives there, and you need to teach her responsibility.

I know that sounds easy, but it is a lot of hard work, by two committed parents, willing to hang in there and stick to your guns.

The best thing you can teach her, is that responsibility for her behavior and actions, will eventually have her become a responsible adult. Not coming up with a plan to parent her, will have the opposite effect. You would be short changing her, by not getting the help you need to learn how to get through these rough years to adulthood.

Enlist the help of a social worker who is familiar with teenage problems, and learn. Learn all you need to know, and gain the support you and your husband need, in order to have some peace in the house.

But, consider too, if you doubt that will help, what your alternatives are. At the moment it sounds like the lid is on things, but without some sort of intervention/counseling, your life will be much more out of control than it is now.