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    LolaLimaLimón's Avatar
    LolaLimaLimón Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 3, 2013, 03:57 PM
    Is closure good enough?
    Hello, I'm a 24 year old young woman and I feel very very very embarrassed posting this online because I am aware that there are far more important things in life to worry about. Nevertheless, this is bothering me and I need to take it out of my life so I can move on.

    Recently, I saw my ex boyfriend after months (about 9... A long time) of having been done with the relationship. I decided I wanted closure so we say each other one night and just talked and I wished him well. I decided it was important for me to say goodbye and to wish him the best, he did "confess" that he was dating a girl for about 3 weeks or so and he felt he needed to tell me because he felt guilty. I didn't give a **** (sorry) but whatever, he needed to do that for himself so he did. I really didn't care that he started something new sort of soon for it to be considered "normal" but he really can't be alone so that’s his own business.

    THIS is what happened. At first it wasn't an option, but later on the conversation I decided for myself to kiss him goodbye for the old me, to get that out of the way, and so I did. I felt so happy I had gotten closure and I no longer had that thought of "saying goodbye" to him whenever, I did it and it was done I was more free than ever. I didn't care about the girl who I didn’t even know who was dating him. This was about me getting closure for what was MY business in the past and now it was only my business to end it however I felt like doing it (sex was never an option). I moved on and being already single I felt so happy but now I felt so free and in a new stage of my life.

    SO: Some days ago I thought twice about the past situation and felt bad about it. This happens to me sometimes, I have confidence at the moment and it all makes sense and then it pops out a few days later and I feel bad about it.

    HERE is my question: Did I do something wrong? Was it wrong of me to interfere with a "dating" situation? This can't be considered "cheating" because my ex-boyfriend wasn't exclusive with her, only dating for 3 weeks right? I feel sometimes that this girl hadn't done any harm to me and I did to her, I hurt her feelings without even caring. Do you really get to hurt someone when you do this? Or is it just little? I feel like such a dumbass because I feel like I don't know the difference between really hurting someone and something like this. I've always been a good person and a nice one, and this is just breaking my peace. I get really obsessive and paranoid over situations like this. I don't feel like I did anything behind this girls "back" because it wasn't hers to find out about. And if she did, it shouldn't be a big deal since she should've understood. She could have done something similar since they were both just dating. If you are reading this you can tell that I am both confused and worried for nothing. I just feel that the template for these situations is that when one is dating, things don't matter since you are free to try everything. Once you are together for good, you can choose to be honest about stuff like this or just choose to trust each other that anything before isn't considered "in" the relationship. I really don't care if my ex is honest or not about something that wasn't important.

    ANYWAY. I know it’s in the past and I should just say "its water under the bridge". But inevitably, I need to know if that meant that I was a bad person who hurt someone, because I am not. I am friggin nice, too nice I think. I obviously can't be stupid and call this person and say sorry because that would be too much, I just need to feel good about myself accepting the past and letting it go. I need to let go to know that everything is okay, and that nothing is as big as it seems, or just know that there was never a reason to freak out. I know that I am a good person and that I am blowing this out of proportion, I just need to see things clearly and know that my situation for closure justified my actions.


    Anyway, I've thought this over way too many times. I've gotten advice from friends but they all answer with: "You are a good person and the past is the past". I need a specific answer from people who can relate, or who have been in a similar situation. Communication always helps and builds assertiveness/support. I would be deeply grateful if someone could really help me out with this. It's time to live and forget about bull like this. I need to see the light that’s all.

    THANK YOU
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,825, Reputation: 2035
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    #2

    Aug 3, 2013, 05:21 PM
    You wished him well, you were happy for him, you weren't trying to get him back. I'd say it was an innocent goodbye good luck and God bless kiss.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #3

    Aug 4, 2013, 09:52 AM
    I don't understand why this is a big deal - I believe those are your words. Do you obsess about other things?

    I don't know if it was an innocent kiss I don't know if you had hopes or dreams of some sort of reconciliation. Only you know that. This is more blog than question, and I wonder why you are so conflicted.

    But here's my very specific problem with your lengthy post - "I don't feel like I did anything behind this girls "back" because it wasn't hers to find out about. And if she did, it shouldn't be a big deal since she should've understood. She could have done something similar since they were both just dating."

    SHE should have; it wasn't HERS to find out; it shouldn't be a big deal for HER; SHE should have understood; SHE could have done something similar?

    I'd focus more on my own behavior and less on what she's thinking, feeling, doing - or SHOULD be thinking, feeling, doing.

    If and when your boyfriend goes behind your back I hope his "encounter" doesn't focus on you - and how you should take the relationship.

    I think relationships are between two people and third parties have no right to second guess or advise those two, particularly when questionable (or you wouldn't be concerned) behavior is involved.

    I'm trying to say this with respect - you can't figure out your own feelings and behavior and you are guessing about "hers"? You kissed her boyfriend. Now you're obsessing about it. I think that pretty much says it all.

    And he doesn't sound like much of a keeper.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,825, Reputation: 2035
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    #4

    Aug 4, 2013, 09:57 AM
    Good point on what she feels the girlfriend should and shouldn't be thinking. When the girl doesn't even know about a brief encounter and she's obsessing that much about speculations wow
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,051, Reputation: 10852
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    #5

    Aug 4, 2013, 12:04 PM
    Relax, breath, stop thinking. You done good, now just be patient as the emotional dust settles. Take a run, work up a sweat and get rid of that emotional energy productively.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #6

    Aug 4, 2013, 12:28 PM
    Far, far, far, FAR too much time spent thinking about this goodbye kiss. Especially after you say you have run this by people you know. I almost don't even get what there is to say. I'm still trying to figure out how the title question relates to the whole story.
    Is closure good enough - for what? To say 'the end?'
    Sure. To my mind closure is only for break ups between two childless adults.

    Any other kind of event, closure is an attempt to deny something extremely important that shouldn't be pushed off the shelf. Coming to terms with it, yes, closing it no. It's always there, part of you now.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #7

    Aug 4, 2013, 03:04 PM
    I agree completely with Judy about this. Her post shaved off the fluffy stuff, and got right down to business.

    IF you still eventually figure out that you have lingering feelings for this ex, learn to let them go, and secondly, any other ex you may have in your life- especially if he is involved with another woman- skip the goodbye kiss.

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