[cubcadet13]

So I have been dating my girlfriend for 5 years we are 24 years old. She graduated college 2 years ago, I graduated last year. In November we purchased a house together (both of our names are on it). We are not married, nor engaged. A couple months ago things started going strangely between us. I could tell she was unhappy, but when I asked her if anything was wrong she would say no, or snap at me for asking more than once so I let it go, I figured it was better to let her figure it out rather than poke the bear. That was clearly the wrong decision on my part because I learned last month that she had been consoled by her male co-worker (40 years old).

I have no problem with her talking to co-workers about her life, it's expected as you spend 40+ hours a week with them, However from what I have learned the conversing went from casual talking to complaining about each other's significant other, to professing their love for each other. The only reason I know about this today is because a couple weeks ago I found a text message from him saying "I can't wait till we can just be together."

Following this I obviously got angry and we talked about it and she was blaming the whole situation on me because she thought I didn't love her. We talked that night and then the next day she was getting text messages from him saying he loved her and what not. Which of course set me off again because she didn't tell me everything the night before.

Now I thought everything was OK, until last night when she again went off on how she doesn't feel like I love her because we don't act like we did in the beginning of our relationship in the so called honeymoon stage.

I don't know how to deal with this because it seems there is no getting this out of her head. I don't want to brain wash her or change how she thinks, I just want her to be happy. On top of that we haven't had sex in 6 months and the frequency before that was about monthly. Another wrench thrown into this is the house. If we were to decide to go separate ways neither of us could afford to pay for it ourselves, Granted that is the last thing I want to think about.


Thank you for any input!

[Oliver2011]

"Now I thought everything was ok" - What? How could you possibly think everything is okay when she and her phone were telling you it is not okay?

Obviously with her talking to her coworker, which you are correct does happen, and not being together for long breaks shows that you two have grown apart for whatever reason. It takes 2 people to create the relationship you have now. At this point you both have to want to make it better for there to be a future. This cannot be just one sided.

I've seen this so many times. Because she is with you and things are not perfect, someone new comes along and it seems perfect. But that is because she is only concentrating on the bad elements of the relationship you two have. If you guys breakup and she is faced with just the coworker, she will start to remember the good parts of the relationship she had with you. And then it may be too late. But that is the future and not the now.

Again, you both have to want to fix what is broken to move forward. That will take a lot of work and it doesn't sound like she is willing. But you also need to do some soul searching to understand how you participated in creating the relationship you have now.

As far as the house you will need to sell it and split the gains or losses.

I wish you the best.

[talaniman]

You might not want to think about it but maybe the house is the only thing keeping you together. She isn't telling you the whole story, for whatever reasons, and is distracted by outside influences preventing any meaningful dialog between you.

If the communications cannot be restored or repaired, I don't see the house keeping you together. You have no control over her happiness, it's up to her, so don't you be so distracted that you put so much on her happiness that you stay in denial that she is steadily moving away from you. This is by her own choice and she justifies it by blaming you. That's the same blame that justifies her to get closer to this co worker, and allow him to influence her.

Handle your business guy, and focus on your own reality of having an unwilling partner who is refusing to do her part in moving this relationship forward. I don't think it you without love, I believe its her. And her behavior is unhealthy and unacceptable. As hard as it is, set her free to follow her own mind and path as trying to hold on to an unwilling partner is impossible, and destructive.

Get out of any obligation to this house is where you start no matter what she says, or wants because her actions and behavior make this unsustainable anyway. Stop putting her happiness first because that's a waste of time and energy because she is unwilling to even discuss it. I feel its a smokescreen to get rid of you anyway, sorry.

[cubcadet13]

Initially I felt like this whole thing was a smoke screen to get rid of me as well. It almost seems like she does not want to be the one to end it so she has no guilt. Knowing her for as long as I have my instinct tells me she is not capable of doing that because she's too nice of a person.

[Oliver2011]

Initially I felt like this whole thing was a smoke screen to get rid of me as well. It almost seems like she does not want to be the one to end it so she has no guilt. Knowing her for as long as I have my instinct tells me she is not capable of doing that because she's too nice of a person.

And sometimes we have to accept other's decisions even though we don't like the decision they make. That is just the way life is. So you might want to start preparing yourself to move on with your life.

[cubcadet13]

I have to be honest, Since this started I see how she could think I was distant. And we never have lived together, Could this be growing pains? Or am I looking for any reason to blame myself so I don't have to blame her?

[Oliver2011]

I have to be honest, Since this started i see how she could think I was distant. and we never have lived together, Could this be growing pains? or am I looking for any reason to blame myself so I don't have to blame her?

Again it took both of you to create this situation so both of you need to understand how you both contributed to it. This feels a little past growing pains but I don't know either one of you.

[joypulv]

We don't know you and we aren't hearing from her. So this is my take on Failure to Communicate After the Honeymoon Stage:
Some people hang onto teenage notions of romantic love and can't evolve.
Some people go directly from romantic love to a dead relationship of no expression of feelings, no warmth, no talk of the future, no admiration - basically the old 'take the other person for granted' situation.

Often I think we see women being the first.
Both men and women fall into the second: The man sees the woman as the nest building domestic momma. The woman sees the man as the breadwinner and she needs more and more bread.

So what would you say is happening with you two, looking at it from the stereotypes?

As for the house, you really do need to be practical too. Start looking at real estate values and sales around you. The best time to sell is early to mid spring.

[cubcadet13]

I would say since clearly we both caused the situation that she is holding onto teenage notions of romantic love and I most likely take her for granted. I would say I see her as a nest building mom sometimes but not always.

[joypulv]

I wonder if she would give him up if there were a chance to change your relationship?
Would you?
You could sit down with paper and pencils and make a list of what each of you needs and wants from each other. Make sure it has no negatives; positives only.
She needs you to
Do your dishes
And pick up your smelly socks
And appreciate her cooking
And come up behind her and hug her and smooch her neck
And ask her how her day went.
You need her to
I don't know, you tell us.

[cubcadet13]

I am going to talk to her tonight about this. I am going to put the blame for the problems on both of us as we both caused the situation we are in. I'm going to tell her she still has the teenage view of liove which isn't realistic at this point in the relationship and I'll tell her I have taken her for granted.. I am going to tell her I think the house probably holding us together. I am going to tell her I think she is not telling me everything and that I think she was doing this to get out of the relationship and that she wanted me to do the breaking up so she could feel like the victim. The communication and the sex has gone away because we've grown apart for whatever reason. I am going to tell her we both need to work to fix the situation and she needs to be willing, and only after trying will I know if she's willing to fix things or not.

Damn this sucks.

[Oliver2011]

I am going to talk to her tonight about this. I am going to put the blame for the problems on both of us as we both caused the situation we are in. I'm going to tell her she still has the teenage view of liove which isn't realistic at this point in the relationship and I'll tell her I have taken her for granted.. I am going to tell her I think the house probably holding us together. I am going to tell her I think she is not telling me everything and that I think she was doing this to get out of the relationship and that she wanted me to do the breaking up so she could feel like the victim. The communication and the sex has gone away because we've grown apart for whatever reason. I am going to tell her we both need to work to fix the situation and she needs to be willing, and only after trying will I know if she's willing to fix things or not.

Damn this sucks.

It sucks now. It may turn out to be the best thing you ever did. You never know and that is what keeps life interesting. Good luck, and oh yeah, duck when you do the victim line!

[cubcadet13]

Well she's never thrown anything yet... I hope it doesn't start now. Most likely crying.

Thanks for your help.
Any other comments I'd be interested to read.

[joypulv]

All this 'I'm going to tell her' isn't quite right. You shouldn't speak for her, and I wouldn't be so negative (unless you do want it to be over).
'I'm going to tell her she still has the teenage view of liove which isn't realistic at this point in the relationship and I'll tell her I have taken her for granted.. I am going to tell her I think the house probably holding us together. I am going to tell her I think she is not telling me everything and that I think she was doing this to get out of the relationship and that she wanted me to do the breaking up so she could feel like the victim. The communication and the sex has gone away because we've grown apart for whatever reason. I am going to tell her we both need to work to fix the situation and she needs to be willing, and only after trying will I know if she's willing to fix things or not.'
How about:
'I'm going to tell her I have taken her for granted, and ask her if she feels she still has a romantic teenage view of love. I'm going to ask her if she wants to work with me equally to fix the situation, because I do. Im going to ask her to sit down with me and write down what is missing, and I will do the same, and we will compromise and negotiate, for the sake of a mature loving relationship based on mutual respect and sharing of feelings, good and bad.'

Leave out the house! Leave out the grown apart! Obvious! Positive only. No recriminations. No gripes. Positive solutions only. Sounds corny but that's how it works if you pay a counselor a lot of money to do this.

[talaniman]

Drop the guilt, it will never be her fault, and she is a confused as you are about unraveling this mess, or solving the problem.

especially, because she started with her having a dream that she suggested breaking up to me and I agreed.

That's the outcome she wants and the blame is on you no matter what you say or do. Handle your business, cry later, because for now you need expert LEGAL advice, to protect YOUR a$$. At least you won't get caught with your pants down while she explores her options.

[cubcadet13]

because for now you need expert LEGAL advice, to protect YOUR a$$

What do I need legal advice for? The house?

[talaniman]

For all your finances that are entwined with hers, because that's where any break up gets nasty. If you just deal with the emotional uncertainty, then room mates is a miserable proposition at best. It can take years to resolve emotions, whether you stay or go, and finances take more clear thinking, finesse, and expert advice.

I believe in hope for the best, but plan for the worst, cover your own A$$, no matter what she decides to do. I mean it's a suspect decision to enter into a contract with a girlfriend that depends on you both staying together to work in the first place. That indicates having Plan B, just in case.

She seem to have one, why don't YOU?

[Homegirl 50]

You guys have been dating since you were teens and she has met an older guy who has turned her on. She has grown out of this teenage dating thing. No sex for six months and once a month before that? There is something off here and it's not all you. Don't accept all the blame for this.
Put the house on the market and end the relationship.

[joypulv]

I disagree that you need legal advice. I've shared ownership of a house with not one but 2 unrelated people.
You and she are on the deed, presumably as equal owners and as either joint tenants or tenants in common (in some states, tenants by the entirety). If she won't agree to sell, you 'force partition' by applying in court. It's fairly routine. If she stops paying expenses, you do this sooner rather than later.

[cubcadet13]

But the thing is I want this relationship to continue, I want it to work out.