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Kanani8888 · Jul 22, 2013, 01:42 AM

This has been bugging me for a couple months now. And I have no idea what to do anymore... My girlfriend just will not touch me.

We are a lesbian couple, and have been dating for a couple years. Although she isn't the commitment type, I believe our relationship has changed her mind. Our relationship is the complete package, we are lovers, best friends and think almost alike. This has been an amazing relationship. I love everything about it.

However just a couple months ago, she just stopped wanting to have sex with me. Which then escalated into her not even holding my hand anymore. Her entire sex drive is gone, she moves her face away when I try to kiss her, she will pull her arm away so that I can't hold it and now we don't even cuddle when we sleep together. It has been really bugging me, because before the "sex" was great, and she was always so romantic and held my hand everywhere and was always down to making out. I know we both find each other very sexy and attractive, so I know it shouldn't be about my body. But now I always look down on myself because she just won't touch me anymore.

I talked to her a couple times about it and she always tells me "it's not you it's me". But even when I tell her I feel like it's me she just gets mad and tells me I need to be more confident. Even though it's hard because she doesn't even compliment me anymore. I love her, but now a days she just acts like a little kid and plays around all the time. She will play with my face, talks in a high pitched voice and is just kind of becoming annoying. Mostly now, I don't want to push the topic of sex on her because I don't want to put any pressure on her. I let her choose the time when we had sex, but now she just won't do it anymore. Now we just act like best friends since she doesn't want to touch me anymore. I kind of play along with it because I want her to know that I respect her and her choices. But now she says our relationship is fading away and we are starting to not even be a couple anymore. And more like just friends.

I DON'T WANT THAT THOUGH I love her, and I don't want our relationship to go away so easily. I only act like her best friend so that she feels comfortable and not pressured. I am honestly so scared that she will just break up with me because she thinks we are just friends.

When we did talk about it she would say stuff like I don't want to have sex because:

1: I'm always tired
2: it takes too much energy
3: I'm not in the mood
4: it's too mainstream (yes too mainstream)

I don't understand. I'm a fighter so I will not let our relationship die like this. I will do anything to make her want me again. I just don't know where to start.

So what I really need to know is:

Why she doesn't want me anymore and how/what can I do to make her want me again?

cdad · Jul 22, 2013, 04:02 AM

She maybe has found someone else or its possible she has figured out she is not a lesbian and is trying to sort herself out.

Cat1864 · Jul 22, 2013, 09:30 AM

May I ask how old you both are and what else has changed in the relationship and out of it?

Sarah1125 · Jul 22, 2013, 05:36 PM

(This is my other account but still the same person who asked the question)

I am 18 and she is 21. We both went to the same high school, and we met when I was a sophomore. I am pretty sure it's not someone else because she never really cares for other girls. And I know she is a lesbian because... Well I guess you could say she is the guy in the relationship? She has short hair and wear men's clothing... So I know she is defiantly a lesbian. She currently has two jobs, but because she works well and balances them both out she isn't stressed out. So I don't know what it is...

Cat1864 · Jul 22, 2013, 06:17 PM

Originally Posted by Sarah1125

(This is my other account but still the same person who asked the question)

I am 18 and she is 21. We both went to the same high school, and we met when I was a sophomore. I am pretty sure it's not someone else because she never really cares for other girls. And I know she is a lesbian because... Well I guess you could say she is the guy in the relationship? She has short hair and wear men's clothing... So I know she is defiantly a lesbian. She currently has two jobs, but because she works well and balances them both out she isn't stressed out. So I don't know what it is...

She could be stressed and tired. No matter how well she juggles, two jobs will tire out anyone. There could be other issues with work, family or friends she hasn't told you about.

Does she have any health issues and/or on any medications? Does she drink or use recreational drugs?

Have you tried asking her what she considers less 'mainstream'? Could she have some kinks she would like to explore but isn't certain how to bring them up?

When you discuss the issues, how do you approach the subject? When and where do you try to talk with her? Do you listen to her? When she says she is tired or not in the mood, do you continue to try or press her to tell you what is wrong? Could that be why she said the 'mainstream' comment? Something to get you to back-off?

Sarah1125 · Jul 22, 2013, 07:18 PM

Well, she is very athletic like me, and has some knee problems, but nothing major. Just recently though she got a rash that was spreading around her body making her skin irritated, but it is starting to go away now. She use to drink when she wasn't 21, but now it's just died down and only drinks when she goes to the clubs with her friends. She went just the other night to a club that is for gays and was telling me a girl was trying to hit on her and that she wanted to go dance on her but didn't and that she was alluring... So it seems like she can still feel lust for someone else, it just can't be me.

When I talk to her about it, I always try to do it before we go to bed or any other place relaxing really... Because I know she will not respond if I tried communicating it any other way. I do listen to her, I want to fix the problem, not make it worse, but all she can tell me is that she is tired and that she doesn't know what the cause is. It just seems like she ran out of battery and just needs to be recharged. But the more space I give her, the less she is actually interactive with me. I feel as if I'm just stuck. If I tell her what the issue is , she would feel pressured and then loose interest OR if I just give her, her space, she just won't try to connect with me anymore.

talaniman · Jul 22, 2013, 09:39 PM

Do you work, have your own friends and social life? Couples often have a hard time when the lust has worn off and there are issues in other areas of the relationship, and talking it out is hard or difficult. Often life throws those things at us and we have to get through them. Maybe it's a bad time or bad cycle of events that make it seem like there is a disconnect.

I think paying attention and not make this about you may reveal the true nature of the problem. I mean if you can pass over a person working two job as not stressed and tired I feel you may be missing a lot.

That's why I ask if you work, have your own friends, and social life? Maybe the pressure you are putting on her is she is your whole world, and you need a lot of attention, or she is going through something you don't understand and she isn't ready to talk.

LOL, sometimes you have to make the most of friends/room mates and have fun with it, until you can work it out.