[SadSally59]

I have been with my boyfriend (we are in our 50's) for 4 years now. We have a very healthy and fun sex life. I have stretched in what I was comfortable with or used to since the beginning and I am happier for it. I tell you that to ward off the "try to spice it up at home comments". Previously I was married for over 20 years and my husband passed away. I got into this relationship after 2 years of being on my own. We moved in together after 2 years together and it has been a challenge but good. I thought. I am taking a course on Microsoft office and the other day, as we only have one computer, I went on to try some of the tricks I had learned the day before and I saw he had left open on his account a folder with lots of pics of girls. I looked at the dates and they were while I was at my class the day before and they were from 3 gals even though there were many many pics. Some even had the date and time from last week when we were at his parents house and it was our anniversary!

I kept looking around and found things that showed he had been fishing and contacting girls most of our relationship. He has conversations about his goings on as well as their pics. While at a bridal shower last week, he video chatted for almost an hour with one. I am devastated. I do not know what I am going to do. I can hear him making a big thing about me looking, but I didn't, it was there and hard to ignore... then I started looking around.

I recently lost my job, my health insurance is with his company which he pays for as well as most of the rent. I have two cats. He is a very lovely man on most fronts. But now I am finally understanding his reactions to things like, me walking in after being away for days or hours, it doesn't matter, without letting him know I am on my way. He asks me every few months or so questions about my fidelity... I used to get mad because I am a very honest person and my integrity matters to me. I worked on seeing it more as his insecurities and decided not to get mad but just answer his questions. Now I see it is classic guilt rearing its ugly head. He feels guilty so he puts it on others.

I don't know what I am going to do when he gets home. I am not set up to be on my own at this moment. I need about 6 weeks. But is that a reason to put this off? Am I just being a chicken. How can I go on as if I did not know this stuff. He most certainly will get ugly when confronted, but I don't know how to hide this, and if I do, am I joining his game?

I am just looking for advice here and thanks for listening.

[N0help4u]

I think I'd not say anything and start treating him more like a room mate

[Enigma1999]

I would start to get things in order without him knowing, then when you KNOW you are ready to make it on your own, then leave.

Normally I would suggest you confronting him, but you mentioned that he becomes ”ugly” when confronted, and I am not sure what that means.

Unfortunately couples start to rely on each other way too much making it hard for someone to leave a bad situation. That being said, start making plans to leave.

[N0help4u]

Exactly get all her cards in place before she puts them on the table,

[Alty]

I agree with Enigma. Wait until you're ready to move out and support yourself, then confront him.

I don't know if I'd leave based only on online contact with other people. I'd leave because "He most certainly will get ugly when confronted". That comment is the reason I'd leave. Obviously he's been "ugly" in the past, which is why you know how his reaction to being confronted about his online dalliances, will be.

[talaniman]

I would talk to him and see what comes of it ASAP. Then you will know what you should do. Though I agree with the others that a PLAN B should also be in place just in case.

[Cat1864]

Unfortunately, you can't go on as though you didn't know. Hiding an elephant under a couch doesn't work. This will change how you treat him whether you make a conscious decision. It will fester and eat at you until you say something. Better to get it out in the open when you are calm and in control than taking a chance that something will cause you to blow up at him. Do you think you could stay calm if he asked where you were or questioned your fidelity?

I do not suggest confronting him. I suggest talking with him. The difference is that one is already looking for a fight, the other is looking for a calm discussion.

If you are afraid he will get violent, then you shouldn't be in the house in the first place.

Explain what happened and what you found. Be honest.

[N0help4u]

Him getting ugly worries me about confronting him. I've known too many guys like this and ugly is NOT pretty! It will not change anything anyway. He will blow up, get ugly, accuse her to make it look like his stuff is HER fault, promise to change and go on only hiding his stuff more.

[SadSally59]

Thank you all for responding. I decided that tomorrow I am going to tell him that I know and that it is something I cannot accept. I will have to figure out the "how", many others do it so I should be able to as well. I think he is a sex addict, and he needs to work on that himself. I checked his computer tonight after my class and saw that not only was he on the site chatting while I was gone, he was also on during work hours! It is becoming more and more important to him, more than the daily grind that makes up a lot of one's life. I am so sad.

[N0help4u]

Let us know how it goes

[Cat1864]

Thank you all for responding. I decided that tomorrow I am going to tell him that I know and that it is something I cannot accept. I will have to figure out the "how", many others do it so I should be able to as well. I think he is a sex addict, and he needs to work on that himself. I checked his computer tonight after my class and saw that not only was he on the site chatting while I was gone, he was also on during work hours!! It is becoming more and more important to him, more than the daily grind that makes up a lot of one's life. I am so sad.

If it is taking up that much of his time and could endanger his work and his home life, then you definitely need to say something. But you also need to stop looking for evidence. You came across it by accident and followed up out of shock. Now, you are definitely invading his privacy on purpose. That isn't good. You already know he has crossed the boundaries of acceptable behavior. Looking for more will only keep you upset and you need to stay as calm as you can.

Keep this in mind: You are not alone. We are here to give what help we can. If you want or need more advice on this subject, all you have to do is keep posting to this thread.

[SadSally59]

Much has happened. I don't know if I am using this site right so if this shows up in the wrong order, sorry!
I sat him down on Thursday afternoon, after a tormented day on Wednesday and realizing I couldn't pretend. I told him I knew he was cheating on me. At first he tried to deny it but I didn't give him much time, I went in to all the things/proof I had found. He confessed to me that he has a sex addiction and the meetings he had been going to on Friday nights was for that and not general addictions as he had told me previously. He explained that he realized it a year or so ago for what it was which was why he started going to these meetings. He said he did not actually cheat because he never touched any one nor showed himself to them. I see it different. He chatted with women, asked for, received and commented on their nasty pics, told them some minor but real details about his life and very often was doing that while I was in the house if not in the same room! He, for a moment tried to equate it to a breech of trust when I started smoking again and did not tell him even though I did not deny it when he asked me. I will give him that, I should have told him. But, I did not take my guilt or shame out on him, I did not question his trustworthiness. Over the course of the past few days, there have been many conversations, too many. I had asked him to move out the first day we talked about it and asked him to keep me on his insurance until I can get it through my new job I start at the end of August. He agreed. He was, I believe, almost relieved. The ripple effect of him trying to show me by deleting what he thought was everything, and being,what he believes is, honest now is that I keep coming up with more and more examples of how I paid a real price all along for this addiction. The times he got mad at me for not calling before I come home... he would spin it like, I asked you to do a simple thing and you didn't, I can't trust you.
I can see how so many things relate back to that. Maybe I am wrong about some of them but how can I tell? I told him I feel raw and do not want to be intimate in any way. He crawled into the guest room bed with me this morning while I was sleeping. I woke up and asked him what he was doing and why did he wake me up? He said he didn't mean to wake me up he just wanted to lay with me. It's like it is not sinking in. I am trying really hard not to lash out and say mean things just to hurt him. I still believe he loves me and the good we had was real. I do not want to paint our entire 4 year history with the same black brush. I told him I hope he finds peace but all my energy has to be focused on me right now. I go between hurt, anger, disbelief to wondering if I can find a support group for this for me, and if there is anyway we can salvage some sort of relationship. I am not usually one to run from a hard time, but I recognize this is a new wall I just hit and there may be no getting over it. I feel so sorry and sad for him. I am all over the place emotionally.

[N0help4u]

Not getting the difference between cigarettes and cheating says a lot if how little regard he has for you and your hurt.

[Cat1864]

Thank you for the update. Yes, you are using the site correctly.

It sounds like you are handling this better than most people. You aren't making excuses or trying to sweep it under the rug. You are trying to remain calm. Though no one would blame you for blowing up. It usually doesn't do much to help.

Is there a lock on the bedroom door?

I just did a quick search and found several support group for betrayed partners/spouses of cheaters. You might be able to find one in your local area or on-line. Be careful and check them out before joining to make certain they are what they appear to be.

I don't know if it would drive the point home to him, but you might ask him to introduce you to his counselor/therapist. They might be able to refer you to a support group.

As I said before, we are still here to give you advice. All you have to do is add to this thread.

Good luck.