[Valeymom]

Hi, my oldest son is the father of 3 kids. He has legal custody of 2 of them(previous realitionship) and he and his wife have custody of the 3rd. He works hard, but his job is seasonal and because of the money situation they have lived with my husband and I off and on for 6 years. I pressured them to move out last year and they did but sons wife had a nervous breakdown in less than 2 months. (Hospitalized) So we moved them back home for the safety of the kids. My question is at what point do I press them getting out again? It wears me out having them all here. My husband and I are concerned that his wife won't be able to care for the children. Or they won't be able to make their bills.

[joypulv]

It's easy for me to say 'Kick them out now because you have just set up a pattern of enabling,' and I've never had to do it.
But... I still think it's what you have to do.
You can keep in touch with them and the kids without supporting them, and be available for temporary custody. But that can cause resentment, and kids get used as pawns. Do it very carefully, and Keep It Simple. No waffling, no apologies.

[Valeymom]

It's easy for me to say 'Kick them out now because you have just set up a pattern of enabling,' and I've never had to do it.
But .... I still think it's what you have to do.
You can keep in touch with them and the kids without supporting them, and be available for temporary custody. But that can cause resentment, and kids get used as pawns. Do it very carefully, and Keep It Simple. No waffling, no apologies.

Thank you, I will try to keep posting so that others can get help for this. I do realize my husband and I are partially to blame. We both grew up in alcoholic families. I guess if the buck stops with us, maybe we should find counseling to help us to make them move. The idea of my grand kids suffering or doing without really hurts.

[Jake2008]

Six years is a long time to have your house guests being so dependent on you. I doubt that you expected that they would have been so needy at this stage of their lives.

It is a situation that can change, for the better, for everyone. I would start by giving them notice that in say, three months, you expect them to have their own home, and be able to support their children and pay their own way.

It may mean that your son needs to work more than six months of the year, and your daughter in law needs to have an income as well. They may need public assistance in some form, and help and support to work toward being independent adults. I don't know what the problem is, or why your son feels he can take six months off out of 12 when he has a family to support.

They need to know that you cannot continue to support them. Period.

Compromising, by buying them groceries, paying their bills, buying them a car, etc. will only keep them dependent upon you.

To help them transition into responsible adults, it is important that you have the support you need to stay strong, in order that they will learn how to be strong without you.

There is no shortage of help if they choose to seek it out, and make changes to their own lives. If you decide to give them notice to move on, you might give them a list of local agencies that can help them get started.

Take yourself out of the picture, and allow them to make their own lives, under their own steam.

[Fr_Chuck]

Should not be coming back each time, how do other seasonal workers handle this, save money during working times, live off unemployment, find part time jobs.

Effort should be done to fix the issues of their life, not give them a place to escate to each year

[JudyKayTee]

I don't understand this part - He has legal custody of 2 of them(previous realitionship) and he and his wife have custody of the 3rd

[Valeymom]

I don't understand this part - He has legal custody of 2 of them(previous realitionship) and he and his wife have custody of the 3rd

He had 2 children from a previous relationship. There was a custody hearing in court an he was awarded custody. The 3rd child is both my sons and his current wife.

[Valeymom]

Six years is a long time to have your house guests being so dependent on you. I doubt that you expected that they would have been so needy at this stage of their lives.

It is a situation that can change, for the better, for everyone. I would start by giving them notice that in say, three months, you expect them to have their own home, and be able to support their children and pay their own way.

It may mean that your son needs to work more than six months of the year, and your daughter in law needs to have an income as well. They may need public assistance in some form, and help and support to work toward being independent adults. I don't know what the problem is, or why your son feels he can take six months off out of 12 when he has a family to support.

They need to know that you cannot continue to support them. Period.

Compromising, by buying them groceries, paying their bills, buying them a car, etc., will only keep them dependent upon you.

To help them transition into responsible adults, it is important that you have the support you need to stay strong, in order that they will learn how to be strong without you.

There is no shortage of help if they choose to seek it out, and make changes to their own lives. If you decide to give them notice to move on, you might give them a list of local agencies that can help them get started.

Take yourself out of the picture, and allow them to make their own lives, under their own steam.

Thank you Jake,
I know they need to move and it amazes me that they are content to stay here! The seasonal
Work does need to change and his wife does need to work. Hard knocks are what they will soon be learning.

[Jake2008]

It's all too easy to give in, no matter what our kids' ages are. And more particularly when there are grandchildren involved. You aren't the first, and you won't be the last to want to help our 'kids' out during hard times.

And in the immediate future for you, your resolve will have to be strong to cope with the expectations you now have of your son and his family.

I hope if I am ever faced with your situation, I can be as strong as I'm suggesting you should be! But even financially would be enough of a reason to let them move on. I'm facing retirement in the not too distant future, and I do not want to be tied down, with more than my own debt responsibilities.

I really hope that when 'the talk' comes with your son, that you just keep it simple, and tell him what you and your husband have decided on. Give them whatever information you can gather on job training, subsidized housing, etc. and make it clear that you expect they will no longer be counting on you, for the necessities they need to provide for themselves.

Hard? I can't think of how hard that talk is going to be. But when it's done, and you have allowed them enough time to get used to the new situation, their only recourse is to carry on without mom and dad's generosity. Maybe they have been even expecting this day would come.

If there is resentment, and you are shut out for a while, which may very well happen, they will come back, because I suspect you are a very large part of the grandchildren's lives.

I hope you'll keep in touch and post more thoughts, doubts, concerns, and success as this goes on.