[Wrunnner]

This is complicated and I know I screwed up big time. I lied and cheated (kissed another girls) on my girlfriend. I lied about not talking to others girls and hanging out with them. We were in different colleges it was a 45 min drive to see each other. It was fine for 2 years And 8 months. The lies started in January, the cheating was 2 weeks ago. I really do love this girls and want to be with her, OK so she found out and I told her it was all a mistake I wish I could tale it back. She said she wanted a break. Don't know for how long. Any advice on how to regain her and trust? I agreed on the break she needed time to think if she still wants to be with me..

>Threads merged to keep all information and advice in one thread.<

[teacherjenn4]

The ball is in her court now. You cheated and lied. She deserves better. In the future, behave yourself! If she comes back, you need to be 100% honest. That's how you win trust back.

[Fr_Chuck]

Most likely it is over, period, over, and you can start dating the other girls you were kissing and hanging out with. They must have been worth the risk, since you made that choice of them over your girl friend.

[Someone911]

Hmm sounds to me you just didn't care that much. If you want her you have to wait and if she does take you back DON'T lie about ANYTHING! Perhaps this is time for you to think about your mistakes if she doesn't come back make sure you're the best boyfriend to the next and DON'T cheat! If its too much for you to be far away how about date someone close.

[joypulv]

45 minute drive = excuses, excuses
Lying = weak, selfish, unfair
It was all a mistake = WRONG - A mistake is writing a 7 when you meant 4. You didn't stumble into the arms of other girls when you tripped. As the words of doom 'It was a mistake' are spoken by the shoplifter to the cop, and the cop says 'No, it's only a mistake when you get caught.'

You aren't ready for an exclusive relationship. You don't deserve to regain her trust. You have a lot of work to do on the above concepts. Mis-concepts. It doesn't make you a horrible person; just immature.

[odinn7]

I don't believe that mistake excuse either. You've been doing things since January that led up to this... no mistake, just not caring as much as you claim. Then a 45 minute drive on top of that excuse? What's 45 minutes? It's nothing. You knew what you were doing and now she knows what you were doing. If she's smart, she's looking for someone else.

[Wrunnner]

Thank you for answering. I only kissed one girl and I had drank a little and was not myself. The lies I did because I thought it would be better they were friends from high school and thought I'd be OK but it wasn't they wanted more than friendship I shouldve seen this coming

The ball is in her court now. You cheated and lied. She deserves better. In the future, behave yourself! If she comes back, you need to be 100% honest. That's how you win trust back.

She does deserve better but I believe I can be the better person I as I was in the beginning of the relationship. I don't know why I changed I do have strong feelings for her

45 minute drive = excuses, excuses
Lying = weak, selfish, unfair
It was all a mistake = WRONG - A mistake is writing a 7 when you meant 4. You didn't stumble into the arms of other girls when you tripped. As the words of doom 'It was a mistake' are spoken by the shoplifter to the cop, and the cop says 'No, it's only a mistake when you get caught.'

You aren't ready for an exclusive relationship. You don't deserve to regain her trust. You have a lot of work to do on the above concepts. Mis-concepts. It doesn't make you a horrible person; just immature.

You are right. I'm a good person I never thought I'd do something like that. I'm immature and selfish. How can I grow? I'm not very experienced with relationships

[joypulv]

The number one growth concept is Taking Responsibility for Your Actions.
This sounds trite but it isn't, and it's something you have to use many times a day.
If you had just said that you kissed her friend and you are sorry, that is miles more responsible than the string of excuses you used to explain yourself.
The second concept is that no one makes you do anything unless they are holding you at gunpoint.
Couples constantly fight over who 'made' who do what, and even alone people say they acted because something 'made' them act. You might say that a hurricane made you get out of the rain, but people rarely make anyone do anything after they are no longer children.
It's really a corollary to taking responsibility. ("She's 45 minutes away so that made me not see her as much, so that made other girls more enticing... that's the excuse mentality.) "I didn't go see her as much as I used to and was attracted to other girls" is taking responsibility.
It takes practice. It's doable.

[Wrunnner]

The number one growth concept is Taking Responsibility for Your Actions.
This sounds trite but it isn't, and it's something you have to use many times a day.
If you had just said that you kissed her friend and you are sorry, that is miles more responsible than the string of excuses you used to explain yourself.
The second concept is that no one makes you do anything unless they are holding you at gunpoint.
Couples constantly fight over who 'made' who do what, and even alone people say they acted because something 'made' them act. You might say that a hurricane made you get out of the rain, but people rarely make anyone do anything after they are no longer children.
It's really a corollary to taking responsibility. ("She's 45 minutes away so that made me not see her as much, so that made other girls more enticing... that's the excuse mentality.) "I didn't go see her as much as I used to and was attracted to other girls" is taking responsibility.
It takes practice. It's doable.

Thanks you sound wise. At this point we're taking a break she wants time to think if she will give me a chance. And I'm giving her space I don't think there is anything I can do but be patient and wait. But would it be better to just let her go and leave the pain I caused with out trying to fix it? I think that would be worse than what I did. I want to make it right I do want to be with her

[joypulv]

When I said you weren't ready for a relationship, that was a challenge, and you took it.
You are right that there is nothing you can do but be patient and wait.
In a week, send her flowers and a card (a paper one, with a stamp) with a note saying you will wait patiently as long as it takes, and no more excuses out of you. Do not be tempted to go on about love and getting back together. Don't even repeat that you are sorry. Sorry is good once, and then it's all in how you act.
If you are broke, just send the card.
If you are half way creative, draw and color your own.
I assume that you know her address and that she is out for the summer, at home.

[Wrunnner]

When I said you weren't ready for a relationship, that was a challenge, and you took it.
You are right that there is nothing you can do but be patient and wait.
In a week, send her flowers and a card (a paper one, with a stamp) with a note saying you will wait patiently as long as it takes, and no more excuses out of you. Do not be tempted to go on about love and getting back together. Don't even repeat that you are sorry. Sorry is good once, and then it's all in how you act.
If you are broke, just send the card.
If you are half way creative, draw and color your own.
I assume that you know her address and that she is out for the summer, at home.

Thank you I shall do that

[JudyKayTee]

And I'd say - no specifics - that you know you let her down and hurt her and for that you are very, very sorry.

I'd tear the card up and mail it back to you in teeny tiny pieces, but that's just me.

Cheating AND lying AND then justifying?

I don't think this relationship is going to work, no matter how sorry you are. Strangers on the Internet had to sort of set you straight. You couldn't figure it out yourself?

And, yes, Joy is a wise lady.

[Wrunnner]

Can a relationship work after cheating? (the guy kissed another girl) it was a one time thing it will never happen again, the guy is a good guy he was just drunk. Should the girl give him a chance to prove he loves her?

[joypulv]

I like totally give up. You are hopeless.

[Wrunnner]

Ugh that's my problem. I go one move too far. I'll stop asking

[joypulv]

ARGGh. Here goes:
'it will never happen again' - oh promises promises, what fool makes promises? Promises are annoying.
'the guy is a good guy he was just drunk' - there you go again, excuses.
'Should the girl give him a chance' - there is no should. Now you are getting petulant. 'She SHOULD give me a chance dammit. She isn't being fair. She's mean. She's over reacting.'
YOU HAVE TO WAIT.
You have so much to learn I don't know what planet you were born on.

You need a lot of work.

[Alty]

Please don't ask the same question on two different threads. I've reported this thread and asked the mods to merge it with your other one. Keep all questions of the same topic on one thread.

As for your question, it depends on the couple. Some people can move on after one of them cheated. Others can't. In your case, if I were the girl, I'd move on. You seem to make a lot of excuses for cheating. You haven't accepted that this was your choice, drunk or not, and you made that choice. Your only regret is that she found out and now you risk losing her.

ARGGh. Here goes:
'it will never happen again' - oh promises promises, what fool makes promises? Promises are annoying.
'the guy is a good guy he was just drunk' - there you go again, excuses.
'Should the girl give him a chance' - there is no should. Now you are getting petulant. 'She SHOULD give me a chance dammit. She isn't being fair. She's mean. She's over reacting.'
YOU HAVE TO WAIT.
You have so much to learn I don't know what planet you were born on.

You need a lot of work.

I completely agree, had to spread the rep.

The "should she give the guy another chance" thing, ticks me off.

She "should" do what she feels is right. She doesn't owe the guy anything, she doesn't owe him another chance.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

She doesn't owe you a darn thing, no matter how much you claim to love her, and how much you want to be with her. You messed up, you hurt her, she doesn't owe you the chance to do it again.

Relationships are built on trust. You destroyed her trust in you.

[JudyKayTee]

If a good guy lies and cheats and finds excuses, plays to the crowd by agreeing... but then going on to defend his actions, what does a bad guy do?

[N0help4u]

Sad some guys can't see, just want their cake and eat it too. Mistake- often translates to 'I got caught and that was my mistake'. You can't fix anything until you are ready to honestly see them for what they are. Fluffing stuff over like it was no big thing so I hope she takes me back shows that you do not get it. She is better to move on rather than gamble with someone that thinks it was no big deal.