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danielson9609 · Jun 11, 2013, 10:52 AM

I lost my job in Jan 2013 and decided to move in with my girlfriend. Well I've been living here for about 4 months and am ready to move out of state to find a new job. My girlfriend is very sweet and supportive as long as I stay with her. She told me once that if I go, that is it. Either she comes with me or It's over.

I've been applying for jobs day after day. She thinks that it's all going well but the fact that I don't have a job makes me a unhappy. I also feel trapped and not free to do what I want to do. She wants to hang around me all the time. I have the suspicious that she is afraid to be alone and only wants me so she isn't alone.

I get calls from out of state recruiters but I can't talk to them because she listens to my conversations and asks if I'm getting a job in our city. I can't get a job in this city and I'm not happy about this situation. I also have older daughters who need my child support and I need a real job.

How do I tell her that I'm moving out due to lack of work?

Oliver2011 · Jun 11, 2013, 11:11 AM

It sounds like the out of state work thing is a ready made excuse to get rid of other issues. What is she expects that you two will stay a couple? Then how will you deal with that? You need to be honest with her. If it isn't working out it isn't fair to her. But obviously you should thank her nicely for allowing you to move in.

joypulv · Jun 11, 2013, 12:12 PM

It is ludicrous that you can't talk to recruiters, whether she overhears you or not. I'm sorry, but this sounds like you are making excuses, although I'm not even sure what they are! Are you being honest with her? You haven't even told us whether you want her to go with you. If not, have you told her that? If not, why not? To me it sounds like you are making your own prison out of her apartment and your relationship with her. Is this because if you don't get a job you don't want her to throw you out?

I'm just not getting the picture.

OOPS edit: now I notice your title question. You tell her that you have to get a job, no matter where it is. You tell her how you feel about her going with you. If she flies off the handle, find a cheap motel and move now.

JudyKayTee · Jun 11, 2013, 12:36 PM

How about, "I'm moving because of the lack of work here." You could throw in an "I'm sorry" if that's the case. Apparently she is home 24/7 as are you and you can't use the phone so I'd tell her soon, get telephone access and start packing.

When you moved in did she think (for whatever reason) that your relationship is/was permanent? Do you help with the bills or do you live off her (sorry to be harsh, but I'm not sure).

Have you tried talking to her, not lecturing, not apologizing, just explaining that there is no work?

Something here isn't ringing true with me.

odinn7 · Jun 11, 2013, 01:12 PM

"S'up? Listen, I'm taking a job in a different city so I am moving out. No, I don't want your clingy as_ to come with me. Bye"

A little direct, I think, but it says what you are looking to tell her.

Oliver2011 · Jun 11, 2013, 01:15 PM

An Odinn special right there.

You should be a salesman... Oh wait...

:)

danielson9609 · Jun 11, 2013, 01:19 PM

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odinn7 · Jun 11, 2013, 01:21 PM

What kind of business does she run?

To be honest, from your first post, it sounds to me more like you simply don't want her going with you because you are tired of her... moving to another city seems like a good way to get away from her.

Oliver2011 · Jun 11, 2013, 01:22 PM

Plus she is going to be upset and hurt regardless, so you might as well be up front and honest about everything. Not just the move...

joypulv · Jun 11, 2013, 01:23 PM

Ummm... she's the one setting the stringent parameters.
No need to be falling all over yourself to be nice.
I'd tell her that you can't be happy in any relationship without a job, a good job, a job you like, a job that may mean going elsewhere. That you agree that her business will be in jeopardy if she moves with you. Therefore, you are going without her! She doesn't have the right to decide what will be 'easiest' for you. She's telling you what will be easiest for HER. Tell her!!

JudyKayTee · Jun 11, 2013, 01:46 PM

I'm seeing this from another angle - of course, I didn't see it before the OP decided to wipe some of his posts, so I don't know what he originally said.

I had an unemployed boyfriend who really, truly loved me move in with me once. He couldn't afford to pay any of the expenses because he was responsible for child support - which, of course he never got reduced because of his depression over his lack of employment.

After I fed him and sheltered him and, yes, we slept in the same bed, he suddenly announced that he was moving where the pastures were greener and the unemployment was easier.

Sort of like the Land of Oz.

I never thought he was moving and he never asked me to go with him - which I didn't intend to do - but I thought honesty would have been nice.

So - what was the original arrangement between OP and his girlfriend, what is he contributing, is he still sharing her bed while he decides how to drop the news on her?

Again - I see a lot of excuses and I'm not sure about the OP's level of honesty.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 11, 2013, 06:29 PM

Sounds like you want out of the relationship and you are using an "out of state job" as a means
Just be honest with her. You need a job and having one out of state is an option and you don't want her to move with you.
Find a male friend to move in with until you find a job.

talaniman · Jun 11, 2013, 07:45 PM

Only you know what your priorities are so be honest with yourself, and honest with her and do what you got to.

BARBARAKT · Jun 11, 2013, 08:10 PM

Tell her your moving out because your moving on and your not in love. Unless you have some place to go, I would highly advise you to tell her after you have your plans set. Your butt is out after you tell her your ready to move on... but do it soon and stop taking advantage of her kindness.