[wentiou]

Hi Guys,

I am a man, 31 yrs old and I am in love with my best friend. He is also 31 yrs old. I can't explain but I really fancy him. I have a girlfriend and I never been with a man before. He is married with kids. I started having these feelings and it is killing me because I know that nothing will ever happen. I need to be able to get over my feeling with our friendship to be destroyed. I rather save my friendship.

What can I do to not love him anymore but still be around him. Know that this is killing me. I can't explain but there is something about him that attract me. I don't think I will go all the way in the bedroom as I can't take such pain as I believe it will be painful but I wouldn't mind flirting with him and even knowing that he too fancies me but we can't do anything. I am very confused about my sexuality at the moment.

Please note that I see him everyday so your answers. I need to add that I gave him a kiss while we were drunk, he did not push me away but did not kiss me back. Thank you in advance for your help. I need to stop loving him that way or I will destroy more that a friendship.

Please any reply could help.

[odinn7]

What can we tell you? It's a bad idea and you're lucky that when you kissed him, he didn't knock you out.

If his friendship is so important, you are treading on thin ice... never mind that he's married and you're half willing to ruin his marriage for your own satisfaction since you don't seem able to control your thoughts or desires.

Other than that, there is no way we can tell you how to stop loving him... just grow up and realize that you can't always have anything simply because you want it. Some things are off limits.

[wentiou]

Thanks Odinn but you got me wrong.I don't want to ruin his marriage and that's why I am here.I did not plan to kiss him.I was drunk.I will loose my girlfriend and I don't want to be with a man either.I want this feeling to stop forever.

[JudyKayTee]

"Thanks Odinn but you got me wrong.I don't want to ruin his marriage and that's why I am here.I did not plan to kiss him.I was drunk.i will loose my girlfriend and I don't want to be with a man either.I want this feeling to stop forever."

If you are attracted sexually to men or to both men and women you are going to be very unhappy if you suppress those feelings and inclinations and also very unfair to any potential partners. The "I didn't want to but I was drunk" argument does not work with me.

I'm an investigator - I cannot tell you how many surveillances end up in Court with that exact explanation - "I didn't want to/plan to do X but I was drunk." So don't drink yourself stupid and solve that problem.

Whatever your plans are or are not he's a married man. I'd have the same advice if he were a married she - leave married people alone!

You are going to hurt him, your girlfriend and yourself if you continue in this vein.

[wentiou]

Thanks Judy, I got the message.I don't want to hurt anybody so I will just walk away.

[JudyKayTee]

Wish more people were like you - wherever this goes, I wish you well.

[talaniman]

Good idea to walk away as we all have feelings, some very strong and intense and we can't control our feelings as we are human. But we can control our actions, and what we do about them. Drunk is no excuse for bad behavior, don't get drunk.

But you can stay within the boundaries of good behavior, and not act inappropriately. That's the way you cope with your own feelings in a mature positive way. As you focus on other things besides your feelings then they will fade and not haunt you as much, but still its how you deal with those feelings.

As for your sexuality confusion, there should be none as what's wrong with being attracted to men and women? We cannot control that either. Are things okay with your female partner? Or are you guilt tripping because of your attraction to a male friend?

[wentiou]

Talamina,I have great sex and relationship with my girl.I don't think about my friend when I am with her.I just had a feeling and wanted to get it cleared in my head.

[talaniman]

Just wondering as others are often more attractive when things are stressful at home but nothing wrong with being attracted to others besides your partner, its human, and what counts is what you do about our own feelings.

Good luck and don't stress about having feelings.

[Alty]

The next time you're around him, if you can't walk away, just remind yourself about how great things are with your girlfriend, and remind yourself that he's a married man.

You can't stop yourself from the things you feel, but you can control what you do about those feelings. You know you have no right to pursue him, or even to tell him that you care about him, he's taken, so are you. So concentrate on showing love to the person you're with, your girlfriend. Realize that you don't have the right to be in love with this man, and act accordingly. Once you fully accept that what you feel doesn't matter, that there's no way to make that relationship happen, you'll be able to move on. The fantasy you're having is not based on reality at all.

[wentiou]

I am seeing him today and I will start practicing and control my feelings.

[Oliver2011]

I am seeing him today and I will start practicing and control my feelings.

You are putting too much pressure on yourself. See the relationship for what it is and that is a very good friendship.

My best friend is straight, and I am not. He doesn't know about me. We always kiss each other when we say goodbye. It actually is more of a joke thing, but a few times have been on the lips.

Have you ever developed feelings for another guy before?

[Jake2008]

I don't think these feelings you have should be just controlled. I think you need to figure out your own sexuality.

Whether you are bi or gay or straight, and this man you are crazy about goes nowhere (I hope it doesn't- he's married), this situation will arise again. And then what will you do- walk away again and then again? At what point do you stop to figure out if you are living a lie?

While you may be able to walk away from this particular man, my opinion is you will still be struggling with your sexuality. If you haven't already tested those waters, you probably will.

I agree you can probably walk away this time.

But, what about the next time.

[wentiou]

It is my first time to develop those feelings for a man.True when I kissed him he did not push me away or did not kiss me back,however he hugs me straight afterward.The next day we both went out and he was all over me hugging me or holding me while walking.he was drunk again,that time I decided not to kiss him as to be honest I did not feel anything from the kiss but just have feeling for him.I don't want his marriage to be destroy so I won't try anything ever.

[Oliver2011]

Right. You have 2 issues here:

1) He's married therefore off limits as far as a future or trying to make a future. Period, end of discussion.

2) You have feelings for another guy. You probably should explore that more. It could very well happen again.

How long ago was the kiss and did you ever talk about it with him? I finally told my best friend that I was gay and obviously it didn't bother him because he was my best friend. If it had bothered him we wouldn't have been best friends in the first place.

I don't think you should volunteer any information to your friend because you haven't internalized it yet.

[talaniman]

It comes down to knowing your own boundaries and limits. I love all my friends, male, female, gay or straight. And then those attractions to strangers and acquaintances that pop up every day. Married almost forty years and use to coping with all those intense feelings.

So will you. Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing but the learning just takes time.

[wentiou]

Thank you..