[ZackeryBurch]

I am currently in a relationship with this girl. Just a little back story, I've been chasing her for seven years (this is because my parents would not allow me to date her when I was younger). Multiple times during this time I asked her to wait for me and she said she would, but she always ended up with another guy. The first time this happened she came to me in tears (feeling like she had cheated on me). I responded by wrapping her up in my arms and telling her that it was okay, we weren't dating and so there was really nothing that she did wrong. This situation reoccurred four or five times (she'd tell me she'd wait for me and then end up with another guy). This past year I finally got the chance to officially date her in college. Things went well, too well, and she got scared that if she didn't end the relationship on HER terms that I would just end up leaving her in the end (she struggled with that in her previous boyfriends and also with her father leaving her and her family). Not more than a month after the breakup, she had already been with and slept with another guy (I think its because she was hurt and searching for that male figure in her life). However, that guy walked out on her when he was done with her. Now, during this time, I didn't give up hope on us. I continued to believe that she would come back to me and that we would work things out. Her and I are back together again, but everybody keeps telling me that what she did was unacceptable, and that I should just let her go. But every time I even think about that I think about how Jesus would never just LET ME GO. What she did hurt, yes, but I have peace about the hurt, and she's been open with me, confessing what she did wrong and telling me she's sorry. But everybody keeps telling me to let her go and find somebody else; but I don't want anybody else. What is the BIBICAL thing to do? Any thoughts from any devoted Christians out there?

[Wondergirl]

Has she considered counseling?

[ZackeryBurch]

I haven't asked. She's very independent, I don't know if her pride would get in the way or not. Honestly, I really should ask, but I've always just considered my own wisdom and advice enough. She trusts me, but I've had to fight hard to earn every little bit of that.

[hauntinghelper]

You're right. Jesus doesn't give up on people... and that would be a great angle if you two were married. But you're not and the ones giving the advice to you are only trying to spare you more years of hurt.

I guess my question to you would is she a Christian as well? If so, the best Christian advice to give in relationships is to pray together! Prayer brings down walls. If she's not willing for that kind of commitment then it might be best to part ways. Good luck!

[Wondergirl]

The Biblical thing would be for her to find her authentic self through counseling so she doesn't disrespect the men in her life and continue to treat them like yo-yos.

The Bible says turn the other cheek, but doesn't encourage us to be doormats.

[ZackeryBurch]

Youre right. Jesus doesnt give up on people...and that would be a great angle if you two were married. But youre not and the ones giving the advice to you are only trying to spare you more years of hurt.

I guess my question to you would is she a Christian as well? If so, the best Christian advice to give in relationships is to pray together! Prayer brings down walls. If shes not willing for that kind of commitment then it might be best to part ways. Good luck!

I agree that the people giving me that advice are trying to spare me years of hurt; but THOSE people aren't married either. It's the married ones who keep telling me to try and stick through it if I can. Yes she is Christian as well, and we have started reading the Bible together, but she prefers to pray on her own. I could ask her if I could pray with her, she may even say yes. But thank you for the wonderful advice. I appreciate it.

[Alty]

I agree that the people giving me that advice are trying to spare me years of hurt; but THOSE people aren't married either. Its the married ones who keep telling me to try and stick through it if I can. Yes she is Christian as well, and we have started reading the Bible together, but she prefers to pray on her own. I could ask her if I could pray with her, she may even say yes. But thank you for the wonderful advice. I appreciate it.

I have to ask. She's Christian but having premarital sex, and not only having premarital sex, but cheating as well? Has she read the bible, because I think she missed a few spots.

It's very noble that you're willing to forgive, but she is what she is. She's done this to you time and time again, comes back with an "I'm sorry" and you're willing to turn the other cheek. That's very noble, and also very foolish. How many times are you going to turn the other cheek before you realize that every time you do, she slaps you?

You can't change who someone is, no matter how much you pray. Only she can change her actions, and her history from the past 7 years that you've known her, shows that that's not going to happen.

I'd find someone that's more like you, someone that will treat you right. She really hasn't shown that she deserves another chance. But, let's, for the sake of argument, say that you forgive her and give her another chance. Is there a time when you'll finally say enough? In other words, how many times does she have to do this to you before you realize that she'll never change? What's the magic number?

[ZackeryBurch]

I have to ask. She's Christian but having premarital sex, and not only having premarital sex, but cheating as well? Has she read the bible, because I think she missed a few spots.

It's very noble that you're willing to forgive, but she is what she is. She's done this to you time and time again, comes back with an "I'm sorry" and you're willing to turn the other cheek. That's very noble, and also very foolish. How many times are you going to turn the other cheek before you realize that every time you do, she slaps you?

You can't change who someone is, no matter how much you pray. Only she can change her actions, and her history from the past 7 years that you've known her, shows that that's not going to happen.

I'd find someone that's more like you, someone that will treat you right. She really hasn't shown that she deserves another chance. But, let's, for the sake of argument, say that you forgive her and give her another chance. Is there a time when you'll finally say enough? In other words, how many times does she have to do this to you before you realize that she'll never change? What's the magic number?

I very much see where you're coming from. However, her "cheating" is debatable, we weren't technically together. Even so, it is notable that we wouldn't talk for months at a time during the six and a half years that I couldn't date her. Not only did my parents not let me date her, they also didn't allow me to speak with her on the phone or via any other means that the occasional time I saw her at church.
As for her being a christian and her "premarital sex" I too have fallen into that sin (I have no right to judge her nor any other person). Granted, I gave her my virginity, bit I still fell into the sin as well.
And again, this "magic number" is the same "magic number that God gives to me. The bible says that Love always forgives, that love holds no records of wrongs. And she will change, the question is, how much hurt will the two of us endure before she does? How long will it take? And how much more baggage will she bring to the table (metaphorical table of marriage) later? So as for this magic number, I will continue to forgive her for hurting me until she dies.

[dwashbur]

I don't think any of us can tell you what's the best thing to do. If you are really that devoted to her, the biblical thing, or so it seems to me, would be to read the book of Hosea. Some of the situation might sound a little familiar.

[Wondergirl]

She never cheated on her other boyfriends?

The Bible say forgive 70x7, but what you are doing is actually hurting her and stifling her Christian growth by covering up and accepting her continual poor (sinful?) behavior.

[Alty]

And she will change,

Ah, the magic words. Why do you think she'll change? What has she done to make you believe this will happen?

The ultimate question is, if she doesn't change, like you hope she will, can you live with the way she is? Can you accept who she is now, and will likely remain? Can you accept that your life, if you two end up together, may be spent constantly forgiving her many indiscretions?

If you could accept who she is now, you wouldn't be here asking this question, you'd already know the answer.

Forgiving someone is very noble, but continually forgiving when someone proves time and time again that they've learned nothing from their mistakes, their sins, is a fools game.

If you choose to forgive, you also have to forget. That means that every time she hurts you by continuing to do what she has always done, you have to not only forgive her actions, but you also can't hold them against her. I have yet to meet someone that's capable of doing that.

[ZackeryBurch]

I don't think any of us can tell you what's the best thing to do. If you are really that devoted to her, the biblical thing, or so it seems to me, would be to read the book of Hosea. Some of the situation might sound a little familiar.

Yes I have read the book of Hosea (my father suggested I do the same thing)! And I'm afraid that if I DO let her go (Like Hosea did) she might end up in an extremely bad situation (like Hosea's wife who became a prostitute). I just don't think I could stand before God on judgement day and justify letting her go because it was too hard to keep with her or fight for her.

[ZackeryBurch]

Ah, the magic words. Why do you think she'll change? What has she done to make you believe this will happen?

The ultimate question is, if she doesn't change, like you hope she will, can you live with the way she is? Can you accept who she is now, and will likely remain? Can you accept that your life, if you two end up together, may be spent constantly forgiving her many indiscretions?

If you could accept who she is now, you wouldn't be here asking this question, you'd already know the answer.

Forgiving someone is very noble, but continually forgiving when someone proves time and time again that they've learned nothing from their mistakes, their sins, is a fools game.

If you choose to forgive, you also have to forget. That means that every time she hurts you by continuing to do what she has always done, you have to not only forgive her actions, but you also can't hold them against her. I have yet to meet someone that's capable of doing that.

I want to share a story from 1 Kings 3. God told Moses to SPEAK to the rock and water would come forth to give water to the Israelites. Yet Moses STRUCK AND SPOKE TO the rock and water STILL CAME FORTH. If Moses was outside the will of God, why would the rock still produce water? Because Moses believed it and declared it. I use this story to show people that faith and belief in an idea or situation will MAKE it come to pass if we do "not become weary [of doing good]". (As a side note, there are consequences for being outside the will of God. Moses was kept from seeing the Promise Land). Even our salvation works in this way we must SPEAK with our tongue and BELIEVE with our hearts and THEN (only then) will we be saved. God SPOKE the earth and everything on it into existence. I have that same power in me to SPEAK change into someone else's life. And so I shall keep declaring change over her life and one day it will come to pass.

[ZackeryBurch]

I have yet to meet someone that's capable of doing that.

Also, you have not me me nor my God then.

[Wondergirl]

And so I shall keep declaring change over her life and one day it will come to pass.

And if it doesn't?

[ZackeryBurch]

And if it doesn't?

It will, lest my faith in God waiver. And in that event, God's got everything under control.

[Wondergirl]

It will, lest my faith in God waiver. And in that event, God's got everything under control.

God blessed her with free will and doesn't reach His hand down to stop her from hurting people (and herself).

[hauntinghelper]

May I ask what the situation was with not being allowed contact with her before you dated?

[ZackeryBurch]

May I ask what the situation was with not being allowed contact with her before you dated?

Yes you may.

It was a rule my parents had. It was a rule my parents had and still have (I"m out of the house now however). Their argument was that I was too young to date. I replied with, "I just want to get to know her and be her friend". To which they responded with, "Your intention is to marry her in the long run. Your hoping for something more out of the relationship, there can be no 'friendship'." And there was nor is any way to convince them of anything different. And I wasn't allowed to have a Facebook or a phone and so there really was no way of me keeping in touch with her anyway.

[hauntinghelper]

Just curious. I didn't know if they were just strict, of if they saw something in her that they wanted to protect you from. All in all, if she makes you happy and you love her, give working at it a shot. But if you guys find that you are constantly having to work at it, it may not be worth it in the long run.

Again, I stress the importance of prayer not only FOR each other, but WITH each other.