[stupididiot999]

I don't know if anyone else feels similar to how I feel at all but any help or opinions would really be appreciated, this is quite long and detailed which I feel it needs to be but I would still appreciate responses that are based on skim-reading.

I have always felt really quite detached with my emotions but in no obvious way that I can put my finger on. It's just that I always seem to act that I'm feeling the way that I'm expected to feel, or the way that I rationally should feel, rather than naturally just feeling that way. I have always thought that I must experience emotion in a slightly different way to how I should, but never really realized just to what extent until now. I'd just like to say that I'm 19 years old and I can't tell exactly when I started experiencing emotion like this, but I know that over time It's definitely gotten worse and recent events have made me realize just to what extent it's at.

To state things chronologically, the first major event in my life that led to any real deep sadness or emotion was the death of my grandma when I was 7/8. Now obviously at this age I can't remember the exact details of the circumstances or pinpoint my exact emotions but I know for certain that at the time it did genuinely, emotionally, affect me and that I felt genuine pain at this. I was always very close with my grandma and so this is perfectly understandable. I'll also just like to note that I had a perfectly normal childhood at this stage of my life when in my primary school; I did move house and schools when I was 6, but had no trouble making new friends at all. However, I distinctly remember not missing my friends from my first school, not even a single bit. I'm not sure if this is normal at this age but whatever.

Secondly, my Granddad died when I was 11, he was my last surviving grandparent and my other set of grandparents died before I was born. In hindsight, although at the time I thought I was upset, looking back I have never seemed to miss him. I used to go and see him with my mother and 2 brothers, usually once or twice a week and although in my mind he was always very old and was hard to have a good conversation with at this age, I still believe I loved him. I can remember crying at his funeral, although I'm not sure if it was genuine tears or tears because I thought its what was the right thing to do in the situation. Like I say, I haven't missed him at all, and have literally moved on with my life.

Now, in secondary school I had a group of friends, who I thought I was good mates with; but it was the type of group of friends that always had a lot of “personal banter”, a lot of which could be quite offensive. Now, I know in secondary school this is often the case, but no group of friends were as bad as the people I was friends with, and every minute of every day was constantly taking the mick out of each other. I knew at the time and I know now that although it was fired in every direction, I was the brunt of a lot of jokes and things said. I can remember on a few occasions when it got out of hand and I felt absolute hatred toward them, like true hatred, like I could have killed them. Yet most days I could take a lot of jokes that would have deeply offended someone else, when I would simply take it on the chin.
The moment in my life I believe has affected me the most was when I was 13, my dad dies of cancer. I also need to mention that my parents separated when I was 9 and I still saw my dad all of the time, usually about 3 times a week. In my head I knew that I loved him his whole life, but in the few months leading up to his death, when I knew something was wrong (mainly due to my parents, who were always separated, taking me and my 2 brothers on holiday 3 or 4 times in the space of 6 months), and I just blocked it out, and didn't dare ask any one of my family what was wrong. I ALWAYS knew that it was serious, that it was most probably life threatening, but I just carried on with school and life like it was normal. I distinctly remember the last few days of his life, especially the last one. He had been in a hospice for around a week and a half I think, and we had gone to see him. He honestly couldn't move himself, couldn't talk properly and didn't seem like him, I can remember one minute going into the hospice garden for one minute and then my mam rushing out and telling me the news while hugging me. I didn't even react, I was trying to cry because I knew I was supposed to, but I just didn't. It took us about 5 minutes to be moved into a small room where everyone but me was sat sobbing, and then all of a sudden I just broke out in tears from nowhere, and just felt shear emotion of realizing my dad who I absolutely loved was gone. I'm not sure if It just happened naturally or it was the self-provocation in my head of willing myself to start crying but it just came out of nowhere, and I cried for the full day. I also remember being genuinely heartbroken at the funeral and the emotion was still there. However, as the years have gone on, I have stopped missing him, even though people say scars like that never heal over time, I literally feel no sadness anymore at the thought of it, like I have just rationally moved on with my life and put it in the past.

Since then my emotion have always been completely hit and miss, one moment I can feel genuinely over the moon with happiness, and then the next moment, for example Christmas or a birthday or during sex when I should feel ecstatic and I just don't feel it, however much I will myself to.

Now I get to the current stage of my life, I am at a good university and despite these problems that make my life look bad on paper I know I feel lucky to be in the position I'm in with a good position in terms of a potential job, great friends and most of all the most wonderful girlfriend I could ever want, whom I have now been with for 2 and half years. I honestly believe she is the most perfect girl in the world, and I know in my head, and I think I know in my heart that I would do anything for her and never want to hurt her. However, at this point we are both at different universities and I saw her once every 2 weeks, which despite how much we thought we loved each other and couldn't bare to be apart, was working really well. I put this down to the fact we were so good together and how much I thought I loved her.

However, a few times during this relationship I have had these swings of emotion where I could feel in heaven one minute and completely cold and robbed of my emotions the next. I can't stress enough how perfect this girl is though, she is the funniest, most naturally beautiful, kindest girl ever, and I know she doesn't have a bad bone in her body.

This is the point that I just can't comprehend; it was my flat mate's birthday on the Tuesday and mine on the Wednesday so we decided to go out Tuesday night to celebrate, with all of our good friends. On the Thursday night my girlfriend was coming up for a long weekend, with my birthday presents and a good weekend planned for us. However on this Tuesday night, I fully cheated on my perfect girlfriend and slept with a girl in my group of friends. I was insanely drunk and am sure that I barely find this girl attractive and yet I can't understand why I did it. Also, one of the worst bits is the fact that in the morning, the sheer weight of what I had done didn't hit me, not even at all for about 2 or three hours till the girl I slept with had left. Even though me and this girl who I know I felt nothing for, were talking about how bad it was I just didn't feel it. As she was leaving I got a text from my girlfriend saying how much she loved me and couldn't wait to be with me at the weekend and then my heart just sunk, the phrase “hit me like a tonne of bricks” would be perfectly applied here. I went downstairs to a good friend and told her all about it, she gave me a lot of good advice and I called my girlfriend straight away and told her, I never even thought about not telling her. I'm not sure if it was my rational, non-emotional brain thinking about what was right but I just did. She was absolutely devastated, I had never heard her speak that way and she said some horrible things. For the day I was completely in shock, but didn't cry a lot, or feel very sad, just blown away with what I'd done.

The thought of not marrying this girl didn't enter my head, she is perfect and we were completely perfect together. I just don't understand what made me sleep with this girl I didn't even want, and feel no initial remorse for it? Today, on the Thursday, my girlfriend agreed to come down and talk It though. The first time when I met her and talked I sobbed like a baby and told her how much she meant to me, how much I didn't deserve her and everything I had in my head that would express how sorry I was, which I completely and utterly was at this point, with no acting or forcing tears. I had never cried this much, not when any of my family members had died and it has honestly been the worst day of my life. The second time she wanted to talk to me I didn't feel the same emotion for the first half an hour of talking. It just wasn't there, and I told her so. I didn't understand why this same emotion wasn't there as a few hours earlier, why it wasn't there when I first kissed the girl I ended up sleeping with. And then after a while of talking it all flooded out again. Now I am back on my own it has gone, and I am just thinking logically about all of the events that have happened. As if I am completely detached from the situation.
I honestly don't know what to do or think, but in hindsight looking at all these events I seem to have just struggled with emotions and truly expressing them in some cases, even though to every normal person they would just happen. Yet, other times they just happen without me meaning to, sometimes even for absolutely no reason. Does the fact there was nothing in my head that clicked and told me to stop when I was cheating make me completely amoral? Even on the early morning after when my thought and emotions were just blinkered and I didn't feel anything for hours?

The worst thought in my head is that does this mean that in my heart I don't love my girlfriend? I have always been positive that I do with no lingering thoughts. In my head there is no doubt that I would never find such a special girl again and in my head I have ALWAYS loved her, but does this mean in my heart that I don't?

Any help, opinions or solutions would be much appreciated.

[tickle]

You have to move on, from what I gather, are episodes in your life that have dragged you down. Stop measuring yourself by past experiences and concentrate on your future with your wonderful g/f. If you can't do this, then you might as well give up trying to find happiness when actually it is staring you in the face.

You describe much to be thankful for.

[Jake2008]

When trauma hits mother nature has a way of protecting us. To allow ALL of a tragic event sink in all at once, would simply be too much to bear. For some, it takes a lot of time. For others less time. For me, being aware of this 'protection' I am often frustrated that I just can't move on with it and get it over with.

So you are not alone when major events hit, and how and when you react to them. The main point, is that you eventually seem to react. There is no right or wrong about not reacting enough, or too fast, or not at all. We are all different.

I'm not sure that what you did simply wasn't a sign of something else. If you drink so much that you have lost all control, you are drinking too much, and that is the problem. To realize the full consequence of what you have done by cheating, consider the circumstances, eliminate all excuses, and what are you left with.

Had you not been so drunk, would it have happened? That would be the first excuse I would fess up to.

Then you are left with the bare bones. And that is, you need to work on yourself. If you can't trust yourself under certain circumstances, and do nothing to address that, how can anybody trust you.

And if you don't have trust in a relationship, you have nothing.

Judge your own behaviour, and see how it all happened, and why. Then resolve to never let it happen again. That is all you can do. There is no taking away the pain you have left your girlfriend in, except with time, and her accepting that you have changed.

I hope the consequence to your actions isn't her saying goodbye.

[Fr_Chuck]

First no, no one needed to hear anything going back to grade school, why you wanted to include that is part of the issue.

You need to let go of past, the question should be.
I got drunk, had sex with a friend, but love my girlfriend, what should I do.

All we need to know, really. But your post, shows a very deep issue and problem. Where you wish to blame past for current choices.