Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    iwonderwhy's Avatar
    iwonderwhy Posts: 6, Reputation: 0
    New Member
     
    #1

    Apr 4, 2013, 07:39 PM
    Wanting to get away from an emotionally abusive home and live with my mother
    Ive recently turned 17, and my father remarried when I was about 9. For the past 8 years I've tolerated and been scorn from emotional and mental abuse from my father and step mother. When my father gets mad, he flips, its terrifying. The sad part is is that I've gotten so used to it that I just sit there and try to wait for it to pass. My step mother bashes on me; calls me fat, tells me no one will love me, and constantly brings up a sexual assault I had in the eighth grade. When my father gets mad he curses, and screams, slams his fist on the table and waves a fist in my face. He also makes threats to "beat the out of me" and tells me how he's "not scared of this little girl" and that he will "slap that look off my face." I lve in delaware; my mother, whom I wish to reside with lives in Hawaii. My father has custody and when she moved she never notified the court, making it legal abandonment. When I decided I had become tired of this hysterical routine from my father I contacted my mother at school. I had explained to the guidance counselors how my father has also been threatening to sell my car, took my phone and a laptop that I purchased with my own money, and explained how I needed to use their phone to contact mother. Originally my mother wanted me to go to the runaway shelter in dover; in hopes of receiving legal aid. However I told her I wouldn't, that I didn't think it would help the situation, and how even if I wanted to I wouldn't have the means to do so. I realize that I only have 11 more months until I'm 18. However I don't think I can any longer stand the emotional abuse I receive here, as if myself esteem isn't low enough without their help. I've asked my father multiple times to let me live with my mother; and every time all he has to say is "you can live whereever and with whomever you want when youre 18"
    I just want to get out of this house, away from them and Delaware, and go live with my mother.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member
     
    #2

    Apr 5, 2013, 08:22 AM
    Any abuse needs to be reported to Child Protective Services. They will step in and investigate. If your mother abandoned you I doubt the Court will award custody to her.

    However, SHE can apply for custody. I doubt it would be heard/settled in 11 months until/unless physical and mental abuse can be proven.

    Do you work? Who pays the auto expenses?

    The advice that you become a runaway is very bad advice, indeed.

    Your mother needs to come back to where you are and file for custody. If your father doesn't want a legal fight and your mother is fit, then she could get agreed-upon custody.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,929, Reputation: 674
    Ultra Member
     
    #3

    Apr 5, 2013, 08:38 AM
    As JudyKayTee said, it's best that you try to "tough it out" until you are 18. I am so sorry to read about all this. Unfortunately, there really isn't much you can do, unless you have a lot, and I do mean lots, of money for a good lawyer, to go to court. But, that might not work either. Good luck, and I hope you can hang in there until you are 18.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member
     
    #4

    Apr 5, 2013, 09:28 AM
    Actually, Fred, there is nothing she can do, no Attorney she can hire, until she's a legal adult.

    It's between her parents, in this case, her mother's to act upon.
    iwonderwhy's Avatar
    iwonderwhy Posts: 6, Reputation: 0
    New Member
     
    #5

    Apr 5, 2013, 11:20 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    Any abuse needs to be reported to Child Protective Services. They will step in and investigate. If your mother abandoned you I doubt the Court will award custody to her.

    However, SHE can apply for custody. I doubt it would be heard/settled in 11 months until/unless physical and mental abuse can be proven.

    Do you work? Who pays the auto expenses?

    The advice that you become a runaway is very bad advice, indeed.

    Your mother needs to come back to where you are and file for custody. If your father doesn't want a legal fight and your mother is fit, then she could get agreed-upon custody.
    I pay for the insurance and gas; however when it broke down my father took that bill. Also we're pribably going to file for custody over te summer although I doubt my father will just permit me to leave due to that
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member
     
    #6

    Apr 5, 2013, 12:11 PM
    It is not "we" - it is your mother who files. You have little to do with the proceeding, but you will be asked for a preference where you live. If your mother has been deemed a poor parent in the past she will need to counter that with new evidence.

    Your father bought you a car and pays for the repairs? I'm not saying that makes up for abuse, but that does make him look like less of a jerk. You reported to the authorities that your father who paid for the car was threatening to take it away from you?

    You are also in his house, and so he gets to make the rules. Why did you have to call your mother from school? Why does your father have custody? When did you last hear from/see your mother?

    The Court may think this is a situation where the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. Your father threatens you. Has he abused you physically?

    And your stepmother - ? How long has she raised you? You don't sound like you're stupid. Are you a pawn in the mother/father game?
    iwonderwhy's Avatar
    iwonderwhy Posts: 6, Reputation: 0
    New Member
     
    #7

    Apr 5, 2013, 12:23 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    It is not "we" - it is your mother who files. You have little to do with the proceeding, but you will be asked for a preference where you live. If your mother has been deemed a poor parent in the past she will need to counter that with new evidence.

    Your father bought you a car and pays for the repairs? I'm not saying that makes up for abuse, but that does make him look like less of a jerk. You reported to the authorities that your father who paid for the car was threatening to take it away from you?

    You are also in his house, and so he gets to make the rules. Why did you have to call your mother from school? Why does your father have custody? When did you last hear from/see your mother?

    The Court may think this is a situation where the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. Your father threatens you. Has he abused you physically?

    And your stepmother - ? How long has she raised you? You don't sound like you're stupid. Are you a pawn in the mother/father game?
    Okay first off, I know how it works once were at court; they fought over me for about six years from kindergarten to fifth grade. I only say we because part of the paperwork required reasoning, and in such reasoning my mother decided to use direct quotes from myself. And no, I didn't call the authorities over the car, I only mentioned that in order to provide more detail to the most revent incident. I called the authoeities due to him threatening to beat the snot out of me. Also my mother didn't get custody because at the time (when I was in the fifth grade) she didn't have a stable place of residency like she does now. And no; I am not being pawned. I called her of my own accord out of fear that my father was going to beat me up. Also I realize I asked for your opinions; however I don't like the accusatory remarks that seem to imply that I'm more concerned about material needs and just over reacting versus what I'm ACTUALLY concerned about.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #8

    Apr 5, 2013, 12:31 PM
    I take it you are a junior and have another year of high school? (I was 16 and 17 my senior year, but was the youngest in my class).

    What concerns me is that it isn't even clear that your mother wants you there. Telling you to go to a shelter for 'legal aid' is bad advice and not exactly something that warms my heart. That she seems so wonderful to you is maybe what infuriates them?

    Re the car, computer, and phone - do you really have a job that paid for all that, while in school? Don't forget all the free room and board and clothes and dentists and toys and so on. Yes, I know, that is all meaningless when you are young, but at 17 it's time to start recognizing that you don't have 'rights' when someone else is supporting you, and legally liable for you.

    I am sorry (after all that) about the way they act. I had a miserable teen life at home too. I wish I had done a better job preparing for being on my own, but how many teens do? Not many, without help of parents.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member
     
    #9

    Apr 5, 2013, 12:41 PM
    In fact, I was quoting you: " I had explained to the guidance counselors how my father has also been threatening to sell my car ..." The guidance counselors are in a position of authority.

    You said "we." I read "we." It isn't "we," as you seem to acknowledge.

    I'm sorry you feel you're being attacked. I work in the Court system. I am telling you how you could be perceived.

    Again, how often do you see your mother? How often does she visit you or you visit her?
    iwonderwhy's Avatar
    iwonderwhy Posts: 6, Reputation: 0
    New Member
     
    #10

    Apr 5, 2013, 12:42 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    I take it you are a junior and have another year of high school? (I was 16 and 17 my senior year, but was the youngest in my class).

    What concerns me is that it isn't even clear that your mother wants you there. Telling you to go to a shelter for 'legal aid' is bad advice and not exactly something that warms my heart. That she seems so wonderful to you is maybe what infuriates them?

    Re the car, computer, and phone - do you really have a job that paid for all that, while in school? Don't forget all the free room and board and clothes and dentists and toys and so on. Yes, I know, that is all meaningless when you are young, but at 17 it's time to start recognizing that you don't have 'rights' when someone else is supporting you, and legally liable for you.

    I am sorry (after all that) about the way they act. I had a miserable teen life at home too. I wish I had done a better job preparing for being on my own, but how many teens do? Not many, without help of parents.
    Yeah I'm a junior, also the only thing they pay for besides food and utilities is the cellphone. I saved up money for my car for years and saved up some money for my laptop. I also pay for m own gas, clothing(thrifting mostly), and I don't ask for anything from them. (tey also stopped taking m to the dentist years ago) plus its also concerning that my father, who is having trouble applying for disability is losing his health insurance. And I don't think it's that they think I think my mom is a saint or anything; there have been times where I've considered my mom a loon, (partically because of her terrible advice skills) so I don't think that's it.
    It just seems I'm at the point where I have to walk on eggshells in my own home. But I don't think it's that I'm overreacting anymore; my teachers have expressed their extreme dismay to the situation and one of them suggested that perhaps my father acts the way he does due to the extreme painkillers and antidepressants that he's on
    iwonderwhy's Avatar
    iwonderwhy Posts: 6, Reputation: 0
    New Member
     
    #11

    Apr 5, 2013, 12:45 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    In fact, I was quoting you: " I had explained to the guidance counselors how my father has also been threatening to sell my car ..." The guidance counselors are in a position of authority.

    You said "we." I read "we." It isn't "we," as you seem to acknowledge.

    I'm sorry you feel you're being attacked. I work in the Court system. I am telling you how you could be perceived.

    Again, how often do you see your mother? How often does she visit you or you visit her?
    I used to visit my mother every summer until I started high school and started working parttime since all the work in this area is during the summer. There had been times where I wanted to visit her on spring or winter breaks but those only last about a week which isn't long enough with jet lag etc
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #12

    Apr 5, 2013, 12:59 PM
    Aha, so now we hear about the money woes of your parents, plus the pain and worries about disability.
    It is almost impossible (I think) when we are teens to realize that parents are not creatures who have nothing to worry about and who have no reason for failing to act like good loving parents. Parents are 'just parents.' We are all wrapped up in the trials and tribulations of going from childhood to adulthood, and it is never easy.
    Work, study, do your chores, and STAY OUT OF THE WAY of your parents. If you don't pay the phone bill and the internet connection, and they do, then cancel them and use the internet at the library. You don't need a phone believe it or not. If you have a JOB, keep the car. If you don't - get rid of it! Your dad already paid for the repair with money he can't afford. Your dad doesn't know where his next dollar is coming from. You could all end up in that shelter, and then all this will be like a rip in a stuffed animal.
    I had to stay away from my screaming mother. My dad was sweet but he stayed at his business as many hours as possible. I ran to my room and read and did homework until I absolutely had to come out to eat and do chores.
    iwonderwhy's Avatar
    iwonderwhy Posts: 6, Reputation: 0
    New Member
     
    #13

    Apr 5, 2013, 04:30 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    Aha, so now we hear about the money woes of your parents, plus the pain and worries about disability.
    It is almost impossible (I think) when we are teens to realize that parents are not creatures who have nothing to worry about and who have no reason for failing to act like good loving parents. Parents are 'just parents.' We are all wrapped up in the trials and tribulations of going from childhood to adulthood, and it is never easy.
    Work, study, do your chores, and STAY OUT OF THE WAY of your parents. If you don't pay the phone bill and the internet connection, and they do, then cancel them and use the internet at the library. You don't need a phone believe it or not. If you have a JOB, keep the car. If you don't - get rid of it! Your dad already paid for the repair with money he can't afford. Your dad doesn't know where his next dollar is coming from. You could all end up in that shelter, and then all this will be like a rip in a stuffed animal.
    I had to stay away from my screaming mother. My dad was sweet but he stayed at his business as many hours as possible. I ran to my room and read and did homework until I absolutely had to come out to eat and do chores.
    Wow, polite much thanks for the advice. Except it isn't about the material items, they were included to get an accurate description of the situation. What bothers me(and what you seemed to have missed) is the fact that my father threatens to beat me up when he gets mad about something. Thanks for skimming and missing the important parts. I'm more than aware of my fathers financial and medical troubles; he reminds me of it every day. I wouldn't of posted this if I thought I would get a response such as this one.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member
     
    #14

    Apr 5, 2013, 04:44 PM
    Your teenage "I want to get my way no matter way" disrespectful attitude toward one of our most respected members is totally unnecessary and offensive.

    You were very polite to me, even though I pointed out the pitfalls. Why the attitude toward Joy?

    I think your father is in a very bad place - no disability, losing health insurance? And how are you contributing to the household? I'm sure everybody is on edge.

    Your teacher/counsellor is MANDATED by law to report abuse - what school district?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #15

    Apr 6, 2013, 03:50 AM
    I absolutely did not miss the part about your father threatening to beat you up.
    You are missing my points.
    We have not one clue what things set your father and stepmother off. We have not one clue if they are just totally deranged, if they are having serious worries, if you are oblivious to their troubles, if you give them grief, or what. When I brought up your father paying your car repair, you glossed right over it. We don't know the reason for the car repair. We don't know much of anything. In short, I'm not getting a good feeling that you actually appreciate the fears of being so broke that you lose your HOME.

    That and the fact that there isn't anything you can do unless a parent hits you, is why I said steer clear of them. No, I'm not being polite, because you are fighting everything everyone says.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

Is my sister emotionally abusive? [ 4 Answers ]

My family was never particularly functional. I've always been very low in self esteem and quite withdrawn, haven't set good boundaries... which shows in the abusive relationships I have had, and friendships I have had. I have asked my sister not to do these things because they hurt me but...

Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive? [ 48 Answers ]

I instinctively think I AM in an emotionally abusive relationship, but it's REALLY difficult to swallow. I'm afraid everyone will tell me "just get out now"~ which is sound advice, but hardly descriptive enough. Here's some background information: We met one year ago. He's from Armenia, and...

Do we just break up or what? Is he actually emotionally abusive? [ 12 Answers ]

This is a long background story, but I'll try to make it as concise as possible. I was in a long-distance relationship with a wonderful Australian man I met online for 4ish years. We were engaged and had the application process for his fiancÚ visa well underway. It was taking much longer than...

Emotionally abusive relationship... with 6 month old. [ 5 Answers ]

My husband and I tried to make our marriage work in order to avoid a custody battle over our 6 month old daughter. Lately he has started a new job. With this new job came new responsibilities and a new attitude. Every morning when he leaves for work I am informed of something new I have done wrong,...

How can I deal with a jealous, emotionally abusive mother of my partner? [ 8 Answers ]

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and I thought things with his mother were getting a lot better. I am 17, almost 18 and he is the same age and yet his mother still, somehow, has complete control over him. When I first started seeing her son she hated me from the moment she met...


View more questions Search