[muffin55]

I had posted here a few months ago after my boyfriend and I had an argument. Nothing like what I first posted about has happened since... I had talked to him quite a bit after that and told him what I was and was not okay with, and I had taken some time afterward to decide if I still wanted to date my boyfriend, and I chose to.

I've since read “Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement” (he is a police officer) and I definitely see how he remains hyper vigilant. It annoys me sometimes. I tell him people aren't all against you and don't take it personal when people do things. His world views have been shaped by his time overseas and it is very different from me. I don't necessarily agree with them all nor do I want them passed on to my children someday. A good thing is that he has always been willing to talk to me about these things and open his mind to seeing my side of things and admits when he's made a mistake.

We are getting more serious and considering a future together, and I need to let him know that it bothers me when he makes negative assumptions about so many people and is always on the defense. It is unpleasant to be around. I ask him, isn't it draining to be thinking like that? He says yeah, maybe he shouldn't spend so much time thinking negatively. He apologizes if he's said something that bothers me -but it's not that I want him to just hold it all in, or that is asking for a blow up from pent up frustration down the road. He has SO many GOOD qualities (or I wouldn't still be with him). I love my boyfriend dearly. However I've been feeling more distant from him and I realize why; I need to bring these things up with him and let him know I've been uncomfortable with some things.

I am thinking about bringing up counseling- I think he would benefit from processing his anger from being abused as a child, war, and stuff he sees on the job, as well as learning to re frame some of his automatic thoughts.

I have been in a co-dependent relationship before and I will NOT be his therapist in these issues- I cannot try to play that role again (easy for me to get sucked into, I'm in a helping profession and just tend to do that with people).

How do you recommend I bring up the sensitive topic of counseling?. I don't want things to end over these issues.

[talaniman]

The approach I would use is ask him to COUPLES counseling with you to help you deal with YOUR issues. If he asks what they are you tell him you get frustrated from feelings you need to vent, and you have to communicate them better with him, so you can build a future with him.

See what he says and remain cool, calm, and collected and in control of yourself.