[liliverona]

Can my relationship have a good future when my boyfriend gets into a legal process and his son appears?

My whole story:

My boyfriend that I have been with for 6 years has a son. I don't have children. Things have been great between us over the last 3 years. Before that he had a lot of troubles with the ex, the mother of his kid. They had some nasty fights and I was very much affected by all the drama. So was the kid. For me it was very difficult to know how to deal with it all. He has not seen his son over the last years because of the ex. He suffers that, but more than I had imagined.

He seemed to be willing to give me everything and was sorry for all the drama I had gone through. We even broke up for a time while all of it happened. He never gane up on me and we got back. He wants to plan a future with me. I live in another state far away so we have also been through distance a lot of the time. My parents are divorces and I don't want to get into any divorce, so I am very careful myself. All I know is that I love him. While he was with me last time in my city he said he wanted to live here with me, to make a home.

Now he has suddenly contacted a lawyer and will start the process to see his boy. I can understand that a love for a child is strong.

That's also why I haven't had a talk with him about it, because how am I going to make it sound as a problem to me without offending him..

But it is. First it takes a lot of time and money to get into a legal process. He is on a scholarship. I have taken the role as a " wife" since we have such a long time together and want to know about things that will affect my future too.

I have supported him financially and helped him with applications for job in my state. Now he suddenly is opening a door that has been closed, and I can truly say he closed it himself since he never mentioned the son in his plans.

Now everything can change. If he gets to see his son, he will most likely not move here. If he gets into that process I am scared of getting hurt again. The time he had with his son brings back bad memories for me, actually traumatic since I received strong threats from her. I never spent much time with the son, but felt totally abandoned and ignored when they were together. He would take my food without asking and give it to his son. If the son ruined something that was mine it was never a big deal. And I could never interfer without getting a negative respons. I felt like he changed the way of being with me. I almost saw it as if he would feel like a bad father for only being around me.

I also want kids-. Since I am not like the ex of him, I want him and me to be ready and agree both of us when the time comes. He wants children too, one day. Now I feel like the loser since I was not smart enough to get pregnant as she did. But of course, I would never let myself be so calculated, but it is a bit bitter to see that his ex has managed to trap him with the love for a son.

It will take time, pain, and resources. Am I going to be the one pulling the 2 forward when he has spent all his money on a lawyer? Will I be the one to move? Will he say to me that he can't have children because his financial and emotional situation is not ready for it when he is in the process?

Will love makes this work or am I losing my time?

[Oliver2011]

I have no clue what you just asked but I am betting on that your boyfriend and you can make your relationship as good as both as you want it to be.

Now I see the whole story. Obviously you can't come between his son and him and you shouldn't. If you can't deal with sharing your boyfriend with the son, then it will probably put a big strain on the relationship. If you can accept it, then it won't. I wouldn't worry about the ex-wife. Also change is not necessarily a bad thing. In the end you have to make the decision as to whether his baggage is more than you can handle.

[liliverona]

Sorry! Never used this before so I had to make a new post/ answer to my own question to give the details to the question:) Thanks anyway

Now I see the whole story. Obviously you can't come between his son and him and you shouldn't. If you can't deal with sharing your boyfriend with the son, then it will probably put a big strain on the relationship. If you can accept it, then it won't. I wouldn't worry about the ex-wife. Also change is not necessarily a bad thing. In the end you have to make the decision as to whether his baggage is more than you can handle.

What about the day I have kids? Then he will need to choose between living there and here? Or choose between the kids. I don't like the idea.

[Oliver2011]

"Then he will need to choose between living there and here?" These are all things you need to discuss with him way before you try to get pregnant. Relationships take compromise on every level so communicate and work it out.

[liliverona]

"Then he will need to choose between living there and here?" These are all things you need to discuss with him way before you try to get pregnant. Relationships take compromise on every level so communicate and work it out.

I think I need to talk to him, even though it can make him angry at first. You are right about that. I don't even think he has thought about it himself. I am 29 and want children in the near future and I want more than 1, if I am lucky to have any:) And I want to know that he is willing to move no matter what. Here life is safer and easier since the jobs are many.

[tickle]

I wouldn't exactly say he was trapped by the love for his son; a father son bond is pretty strong. You also have a lot on your plate, compounded by his problems and baggage. I think the two of you better sit down and communicate probably a lot better then it appears you already have.

Now, children for the both you; when you eventually sort it out, he has custody of his son, you two become a couple and I am quite sure that he would welcome his own child with you and would also welcome a sibling for his son to make a complete family the way it never was for him.

Love WILL make it work. You have put a lot of time into this already, don't throw it all away. Make a stand for your happiness with him and his son, and possibly one of your very own, to draw it all together.

[liliverona]

Well thanks a lot for answering. I am happy every time somebody believes in fighting for love, because I tend to believe in it too.

What I meant by trapped was because the ex was almost 10 years older than him when they met, he was in his early twentees and had not planned to become a father.He had not even finished his career. She knew that so she stopped taking her pills on purpose behind his back. He got his life determined in many ways by a decission she took on her own, and I find it very unfair. I know a lot of girls they learn that to get a man fully committed they should try to get pregnant. Then you " trap" him because a father will usually try everything to be with his children because of love and will hesitate leaving you and will be economically committet as well. But then on the other side, a man chooses who to be with, and the risk of becoming a father is always present, and especially with a woman of over 30. It is easier to get pregnant than not to, and instead of feeling appreciated by taking full responsibility for protection I feel like the loser for being honest and pasient.

Well, that's another discussion. The fact is that the son is there and will always be. Right now I feel nervous. When the son was around about 3 years ago he treated me very bad to be good with his son. He stood me up several times, spent huge amounts of money on his son and made me pay the dinner. To have some alone time with his son he ditched me for easter when I was visitng him so I spent it alone without family nor friends. With all this in mind I fear the situation that might come so much. Since he treats me that way it is hard to imagine that he will treat our children any different as he treats me, and I want him to love me as much as he would love any child of us.

[Fr_Chuck]

If I was a women, I would never want a man who did not want to see and be with his children,
What type of father would he be if you had kids, if he could easily give up his child.

He of course needs to learn how to budget his money on son and you and other bills. Also both need to not go out to eat if it is not affordable to do so.

But he will have to share his time,

This is of course the other issue with long distance romance and love. If he can not move to you, and you can not move to him, end it, since there will never be a relationship that will work. One of you has to be able to move to make this work

[liliverona]

Thanks for your answer. We had pretty much decided that he was going to move here since both can find well paid jobs. In his state it is very hard and the crime rate a lot higher etc.. He has been looking for jobs, and I have helped him a lot too. I am very confused and sad. I also have believed that if he did not want to fight for his son it would be a bad sign, but I still wish I knew for sure he would move here with me and start from 0 with me. I can not picture myself moving and to waste 7 years of university for being unemplyed and to have kids with no income. He might have to live there and be happy to see the son once a week.

And I do believe I have gotten a bit blinded these 3 years without the son involved. I have lived a bit in denial I think, and now it all hits me. So I do have myself to blame too.

[joypulv]

First I suggest that you stop helping him financially. You aren't his wife. For much of the 20th century, wives of doctoral students worked and joked about getting a PhT = putting hubby through. But wives get to sue for all that investment in divorce court. Supporting him is only going to compound problems and cloud the issue of what hurts.
He could be in his son's life without staying there and without giving up what he has with you, because countless parents do it. I suggest that you just bide your time, much as it will hurt, to wait to see how the legal part pans out.
Long distance relationships statistically have a low survival rate. If he doesn't show you that he is taking steps to move after the custody battle, I would accept the fact that he is making a choice of his son over you.

[liliverona]

First I suggest that you stop helping him financially. You aren't his wife. For much of the 20th century, wives of doctoral students worked and joked about getting a PhT = putting hubby through. But wives get to sue for all that investment in divorce court. Supporting him is only going to compound problems and cloud the issue of what hurts.
He could be in his son's life without staying there and without giving up what he has with you, because countless parents do it. I suggest that you just bide your time, much as it will hurt, to wait to see how the legal part pans out.
Long distance relationships statistically have a low survival rate. If he doesn't show you that he is taking steps to move after the custody battle, I would accept the fact that he is making a choice of his son over you.

As my mom says, take time as help instead of fearing it. I will hang on, try ti think about my own future and well being and be prepared for whatever outcome the legal part has. If he chooses to give up all he has with me for the son I think I will look for someone else. Knowing myself and how weak I am for him it would not surprise me if I move down there even though it would be very irrational and stupid when life is " better" here.

I did not really understand what you meant by the PhD thing and putting hubby through..

[Fr_Chuck]

I did not really understand what you ment by the PhD thing and putting hubby through...?

You need to stop paying for his college. If you were married, and break up, you could sue for money back for paying for his education, but a girlfriend can not.

You are making it too easy for him, he has no reason to need to move, since you pay for him to stay where he is

[liliverona]

You are totally right. I tend to think that " do what you want that others do to you" and you will do good in the long run, but maybe I need to be a bit more smart. I don't want him to move here because of money, but I think I have been too nice. I have tried to keep a balance, but I know I have done more for him than he has ever done for me and since we are not married I should neither have his kids nor will I help with money the way I have done. I need to tell you that I never gave the money for free. I lent him money and he has paid me back. But still, it can get very difficult that way.

And the money he spent on the lawyer is money I lent him for paying some of the education as well so that he could hurry and finish for us to be together. It is a tricky situation.

[joypulv]

I would tell him that you are retreating during his custody battle. That will enable him to see how much he misses you.
You are at a critical point of all those sacrifices you have made welling up inside of you and causing resentment. When we first love someone, we tend to give and give and give. That's fine as long as the other person is giving, compromising, sacrificing too. If they don't - the relationship is pretty much doomed.
Congrats for lending rather than giving. But you 'gave' in other ways when his son was around.
For him, his son can do no wrong when he breaks something or eats all your food or you are being awful for complaining. That's pretty common and it's probably going to get more difficult. What about when the boy is a teen, and staying with you half time? If you can't sacrifice your feelings for that, I think you need to rethink the whole relationship sooner rather than later.

[liliverona]

Hi again.

Now I had a talk. And he hung up on me... before I even got to explain.

[liliverona]

My boyfriend removed our pictures and put the ones of himself with the son.

My boyfriend who I wrote about last time is now using the fact that I am jealous about his son against me. Last time I wrote about how I was going to deal with the idea that he is starting the process to see his son again. Because of distance and a long relationship we want it to work. I love him and he loves me.He has promissed to move with me and start a new life, has suggested marriage and kids. I have given up a lot an helped him through a lot. I had a talk with him, as hard as it was to let him know about my concerns. How can I not be concerned since pretty much all the time it has been him and me alone, since I am reaching the 30s and I am ready to start a family. I am am scared of losing him to the son, and that's my concern as well knowing how the ex manipulates I am scared his weakness for his son can make him dump me. Felt really ashamed to have that talk, since jealousy like that is a big tabu.I want kids myself and want things to be as they should. I said I would accept him and I would support him in the legal process. He got angry at first and said my concerns and jealousy made me look bad. Then he made sure to make me understand that he loved me and would always give me my place as a wife or a girlfriend no matter and that our plans of moving to my state would never change. He is a father because the ex made herself pregnant behind his back, and she has done everything to make his life hard, including taking his son away from him. He suffered a lot, and I try to deal with it all and keep calm and rational for him too. Yesterday after a fight he removed the pictures of us on Facebook and replaced them with pictures of him and his son, because he knows how hard I find it. How can I deal with it when he uses the love for him as a veapon to hurt me on purpose when we fight? I should feel like a bad person for showing any resenment, but whenever he wants he used it against me. If he wants it to work I think it is very wrong to try to make us compete for his love, when that is a challenge in itself that I so far has tried to handle and have decided that I can handle well if he includes me.

I want to add that the fight had nothing to do with the son. We already had a talk about that and we had put peace on that subject. The fight was just about something silly.

[Fr_Chuck]

Any man that will use a child as a weapon just needs to be left, just move on and save yourself years of heart ache.

[MikeBear]

As another answer said, save yourself years of heartache. This relationship can only lead to misery with his family, past and present. He is not willing to bet away from all this, and will only lead you into it even more.
You can meet others, and at 30, still have plenty of time to find someone who really cares about you. Good luck.

[JudyKayTee]

This is not the only relationship issue involving the child, and I don't believe the OP is entirely blameless.

Thread need to be combined - ?

[J_9]

The threads have been combined and the duplicate question has been removed.

Now, although we are only getting one side of the story... yours, I see so many red flags in this relationship. I can promise you that it won't last. Better to get out now.

You are coming between a man and his son. Honey, blood is thicker than water and I can promise you that he will choose his son before he chooses you.

Personally, I have been in your boyfriend's shoes and this is not going to play out well for you. The best thing for you to do right now is to bow out of this relationship gracefully and let him reconnect with his child.

I had an ex over 20 years ago who acted the same way you seem to be, and my situation is similar to your boyfriend's. Notice I said "I had an EX".

You are jealous. It's plainly obvious to us outsiders. Is it normal? Yes, but your actions aren't.

Unfortunately for you, if you want this relationship to continue, you have to bow out until he has been reconnected to his child. You may have given up a lot, but you don't have a clue how hard it is to give up a child and then try to have a relationship with said child with a significant other in the way.

I am scared his weakness for his son can make him dump me

His weakness for his son won't make him "dump" you, but your jealousy towards his son WILL.

He is a father because the ex made herself pregnant behind his back

If I had a penny for every time I heard this, I would be a very rich woman. She didn't make herself get pregnant behind his back. He had the option to place his penis into her vagina knowing that there were consequences to those actions.

This relationship is very toxic. At this rate, I see you and him hurting this child more than you would be helping him by staying in this relationship.