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js419842012 · Feb 14, 2013, 06:57 PM

HELP- I don't really know what my problem is, but I always seem to lose interest in my girlfriends after I have them move in and live with me. I always seem to date them longer and longer before the trial move in period, but it always ends the same, with me asking them to leave because I lose interest, I mean I have sex, but I don't initiate it. I stop complimenting her, and I don't cuddle anymore. I find something that I can complain about to no end, until I ask them to leave. I want to try to live with them, before I propose, or at least before marriage, but I can't seem to. It has been the past 3 g/f's. I'm looking for any kind of advice/answers??

Wondergirl · Feb 14, 2013, 07:06 PM

How old are you?

How quickly after the first date or meeting them do they move in?

js419842012 · Feb 14, 2013, 07:55 PM

The first one I dated was about 3 months.there were other circumstances also. The second was 9 months, and the third was 11 months.

Wondergirl · Feb 14, 2013, 07:56 PM

Don't do the move-in thing. Oh, and no sex.

js419842012 · Feb 14, 2013, 07:58 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

How old are you?27

How quickly after the first date or meeting them do they move in?

after first date with first one was 3-4 months. I knew her off/on for 3 years prior. The second I dated for 10 months, but there were very different circumstances. The third girlfriend was actually shorter but she moved in after 8 months.

Wondergirl · Feb 14, 2013, 07:59 PM

No moving in from now on.

js419842012 · Feb 14, 2013, 07:59 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Don't do the move-in thing. Oh, and no sex.

No sex till? Well I don't next time but now I'm no longer dating her.:(

Enigma1999 · Feb 14, 2013, 08:02 PM

How old are you?

backpack2389 · Feb 14, 2013, 08:46 PM

What's your motivation for asking them to move in?
When they do invite them to move in, how do you picture things going? What expectations do you have?

js419842012 · Feb 14, 2013, 08:52 PM

Originally Posted by enigma1999

how old are you?

27

js419842012 · Feb 14, 2013, 08:56 PM

Originally Posted by backpack2389

What's your motivation for asking them to move in? The first I was kind of pressured into moving her in, the second it seed like the right thing to do, plus she was going to go to school 10 min away from my place over the hour to hers, the third I thought we were ready, and she worked 10in away, and we didn't see each other, plus she was going to move anyhow. I thought it could be better together than us apart.
When they do invite them to move in, how do you picture things going? Idk i picture things going great, we are a couple so we share everything snd split everything What expectations do you have?

I don't know if I really have any expectations.

talaniman · Feb 14, 2013, 09:21 PM

If you want different results just date and leave the living together thing alone. It kills it for you.

dontknownuthin · Feb 14, 2013, 09:23 PM

First, I don't think you're ready to settle down with one girl. You're having girls move in with you when you should just date them.

Second, your idea behind having someone move in with you is kind of messed up. It's best not to move in together until you are married for a lot of reasons. One is that on top of breaking up, when you do break up one of you also ends up having nowhere to live. It's hard not to comingle your money. It's hard to maintain your private space and time and life and friendships outside of the dating relationship, which is important if your at a dating stage in your relationship and life.

I think you need a new rule - do not move in with any women until you are married. No trial period. You don't move in with someone to try them out. I mean, this isn't like taking a car for a test drive - this is a woman with feelings. When you are absolutely sure you are with the right woman, propose to her. Have a year-long engagement so you have a long time to plan where you will live. Go through premarital counseling so you can address all the big questions - how to manage money, private time, when/if you want children, who will do what in the household and so on. Some churches provide or even require this. There are also books engaged couples can work through together to make sure they cover all the big issues and talk them through.

When you are confident you've covered the big issues in life with the woman and have worked through them, and you've been in the relationship long enough that it feels really solid, you won't feel a need to try out the girl.

It will also be important that she NOT move into your home. You buy a new home, together. That way, you both have to adjust and work to make the relationship work together. It's not fair for the woman to move into your space and then try to fit into the life you already have - it has to be a two-way street, with shared ownership of the home.

Don't even consider proposing until you've dated for a full year,and gotten to know each other's families and friends.

backpack2389 · Feb 15, 2013, 06:07 AM

What's your motivation for asking them to move in? The first I was kind of pressured into moving her in, the second it seed like the right thing to do, plus she was going to go to school 10 min away from my place over the hour to hers, the third I thought we were ready, and she worked 10in away, and we didn't see each other, plus she was going to move anyhow. I thought it could be better together than us apart.

For girlfriends 1 and 2, your mistakes seem to have been that you had the wrong reasons for moving in together. Girlfriend 1: if you have to pressure her at all, it's not right. You don't want to move in with someone who is going to feel unsure or uncomfortable the whole time. Girlfriend 2: convenience should be a benefit to moving in together, not the primary motivation. For Girlfriend 3, I see some of the same problems - "she worked 10in away." You say for this woman that you felt you were 'ready' but obviously not. I also think your experience with girlfriend 3 may have been tainted by expectations put in place by your experiences with 1 and 2. Regardless, I think many of the people giving advice here have the right idea when they say hold off on moving in.

When they do invite them to move in, how do you picture things going? Idk i picture things going great, we are a couple so we share everything snd split everything

It's nice that you picture things 'going great' but that's not really specific enough. How do you plan to breakdown rent, bills, household responsibilities, time together vs. time apart. If you don't plan these things in advance, you can easily end up arguing about them all the time later. Who does the dishes? Who takes out the trash? What share does each person pay? Who takes on the responsibility of just making sure that everything does get paid for?

What expectations do you have? i don't know if I really have any expectations. Again, you should have some concrete plans for breaking up bills and responsibilities. I also think that dontknownuthin's suggestion of waiting until you're absolutely certain (which may very well mean marriage) and getting a new place together (not one that has been 'yours') would be very helpful. That way, it'll belong to both of you - she won't feel like she's taking advantage or stepping on your toes and you won't feel like 'your' space is being invaded.

fredg · Feb 15, 2013, 06:18 AM

I would suggest seeing a counselor, or a psychologist, or someone like that you can talk with, and maybe find out why you feel this way. It seems to be consistent, as you say. I do wish you the best, and good luck.

js419842012 · Feb 15, 2013, 04:41 PM

Originally Posted by backpack2389

What's your motivation for asking them to move in? The first I was kind of pressured into moving her in, the second it seed like the right thing to do, plus she was going to go to school 10 min away from my place over the hour to hers, the third I thought we were ready, and she worked 10in away, and we didn't see each other, plus she was going to move anyhow. I thought it could be better together than us apart.

For girlfriends 1 and 2, your mistakes seem to have been that you had the wrong reasons for moving in together. Girlfriend 1: if you have to pressure her at all, it's not right. You don't want to move in with someone who is going to feel unsure or uncomfortable the whole time. Girlfriend 2: convenience should be a benefit to moving in together, not the primary motivation. For Girlfriend 3, I see some of the same problems - "she worked 10in away." You say for this woman that you felt you were 'ready' but obviously not. I also think your experience with girlfriend 3 may have been tainted by expectations put in place by your experiences with 1 and 2. Regardless, I think many of the people giving advice here have the right idea when they say hold off on moving in.

When they do invite them to move in, how do you picture things going? Idk i picture things going great, we are a couple so we share everything snd split everything

It's nice that you picture things 'going great' but that's not really specific enough. How do you plan to breakdown rent, bills, household responsibilities, time together vs. time apart. If you don't plan these things in advance, you can easily end up arguing about them all the time later. Who does the dishes? Who takes out the trash? What share does each person pay? Who takes on the responsibility of just making sure that everything does get paid for?

What expectations do you have? i don't know if I really have any expectations. Again, you should have some concrete plans for breaking up bills and responsibilities. I also think that dontknownuthin's suggestion of waiting until you're absolutely certain (which may very well mean marriage) and getting a new place together (not one that has been 'yours') would be very helpful. That way, it'll belong to both of you - she won't feel like she's taking advantage or stepping on your toes and you won't feel like 'your' space is being invaded.

In reference to the pressure, she pressured me not me on her.

Enigma1999 · Feb 15, 2013, 06:56 PM

Do you have any close male friends?

If so, what was the longest you have friends with someone?

js419842012 · Feb 15, 2013, 07:01 PM

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Do you have any close male friends? I do have close male friends, some for 15+ years, as well as female friends

If so, what was the longest you have friends with someone?

my longest friend would be since elementary school but he moved so we aren't to close anymore, another good friend since around the same, I work with him still more like a big brother, and a female friend whom I grew up with as a second family.

Enigma1999 · Feb 15, 2013, 07:52 PM

Originally Posted by js419842012

my longest friend would be since elementary school but he moved so we aren't to close anymore, another good friend since around the same, I work with him still more like a big brother, and a female friend whom I grew up with as a second family.

Ok, thank you for your response.

The reason I had asked was to see if you grow bored with your friendships as well.

May I ask what are your goals in life?

ArmstrongMiller · Feb 16, 2013, 12:32 AM

It's really a questions,. you can communicate with him.