[Tonibere31]

I have been living with my boyfriend for 4 months now and we have been together for 14 months. I love this man so much that I am scared if we break up if I can handle it. Before I moved in with him, we would see each other every weekend and our sex life was amazing, then we had problems ( long story) as I was living in a different city (just an hour from him) so he asked me to move in for us to make it work. I love the idea.

Now since December I think we have only made love say three times :( and I try to always initiate it every time. :( He keeps blaming it on work or how he is trying to adjust to living with some one after ten years of living by himself or sex is too much work, or that I don't have a job (just graduated and finding a job here is quite a challenge.) Just so many excuses. He said he just do not have that spark to have sex right now. Do you think he is tired of us? Should I move out or should I give him time to come around. Please help any advice would be appreciated.

[JudyKayTee]

You have asked him what the "problem" is, and he has told you. You have two choices: believe him or don't believe him.

If you don't believe him you can ask him (again) what the problem is, but he may very well not want to be badgered.

If you do believe him you can try to ride out the situation.

You know him and you know the relationship - I think you are basing whether you stay in the relationship on the sex alone. It may or may not be a sign of other problems in the relationship.

[backpack2389]

"he asked me to move in for us to make it work" -- to 'make things work' means to put in work, something you both have to do. When he asked you to move, I assume he knew that you might have difficulty finding another job. If he didn't, he wasn't planning well. However, given that you do not have a job, are you able to help out with the finances in any way? If he's feeling extra stress because of your financial situation that could definitely be a libido killer.

Regarding the other adjustments to moving in together, you two should discuss these. If he has been living alone for ten years and is feeling uncomfortable sharing all of his space with another person, maybe he needs to establish a room or area that is all his, where he can be alone (if that's possible giving your living situation).

Considering your job situation, I have a couple of thoughts. It's not good to go any length of time without work. When looking for a job, employers do not like to see 'idle time.' Have you looked for any minimum wage jobs that you could do between now and getting one in your field? Have you considered substitute teaching? You are probably overqualified for both, but these options would provide you a way to relieve some of the financial stress and would give you something to do during the day. I would particularly recommend subbing as it still requires a bachelors and can give you some great experiences to discuss during interviews. Furthermore, when subbing you pick your schedule so that if you do get a job interview or you're sick or you can't work one day for whatever reason, it's not a problem.

[talaniman]

Very excellent suggestions from the other posters as its quite obvious he is tired of carrying the whole load by himself. He obviously doesn't need a maid, or cook but wants a partner that carries their own weight. After 4 months, anything will do but you have to start somewhere and hopefully that will change the equation.

For sure doing nothing is not an option for success. I know you are looking but you have to take something, anything while you search for what you really want. I bet his biggest concern is you getting pregnant and adding a burden he isn't ready to carry. Birth control or NOT.

This experiment will fail unless you get a productive life of your own. Today its sex, tomorrow it will be something else that adds to the stress.

[fredg]

You have some very good answers. I think you should consider that a good relationship needs respect, love, honesty, and a willingness to talk about anything. If you have talked with him, and he still doesn't respond very well, I think it's time to move on.
I was married the first time for 7 yrs, divorced. Then remarried for 30 yrs. Eveything doesn't always work out the way we want. It's not what happens to me in life, but it's all in how I handle it!
Meet some new people, make some new friends, and hopefully you will move on.

[dontknownuthin]

Well, he's identified a few things.

First, he's stressed over your job situation. I would recommend you get a short-term job unless you are receiving unemployment. If you are getting unemployment you are better off making your search your full-time occupation. If you have no income, you should try to get a job doing something like waitressing. This is a good option because pay can be relatively decent, hours are irregular so allow for interviewing, and you get paid immediately in cash.

He also will benefit, as will you, from seeing that you make every day as productive as possible. I have also had periods of unemployment and had to make myself get up at 7, shower and be dressed by 8. I had a schedule and plan every day. I worked out for an hour, cleaned the house, did the cooking, the laundry, tackled projects around the house and spent at least 4 hours a day on my job search. My interview clothes were ready to go all the time. I made sure, also, to get out of the house daily. I went to job search support groups, used the resources at the job center and library, met friends for coffee to get some support or would just go for a good, long walk - 3 miled or more. Staying home on the couch is depressing and equally depressing for a partner to watch.

And if you try to do some things to economize, he will likely appreciate it. If he doesn't cut coupons, start doing it to contribute some savings to the household. Be creative with inexpensive but good recipes for dinner. Don't insist on going out - be satisfied to cook and keep things simple. Don't buy non-essential items for yourself or expect costly gifts for Valentines, etc. Minimize his financial pressure by living frugally but well.

He also told you he is adapting to sharing his home. Some things that will help a lot include first, being very considerate of his space and belongings. Don't use his razor. Put the curling iron and makeup away. Keep the place picked up and tidy. Let him watch his sports or whatever else he does to refuel his energy and relax. And leave sometimes - just let him have the place to himself. Save an errand for the evening - go to the store, or meet up with a friend for coffeee, or take a waitressing shift in the evening, or spend Saturday with your mother so he can do what he wants. I love my family but man, when I have the house to myself for a day it feels like I won the lottery.

For now I wouldn't ask him more about it. I would just address these things he's already identified and give it some time. Don't overdo it, but do let him know you appreciate his patience and are working toward making things better.

[Tonibere31]

Thank you so much for all your replies, I will surely take each advice and put it to use.
Ps: I do have a job, but it is only on the weekends and I got a call for a job interview this coming Monday I am looking forward to that.

Thanks again.