[Telula]

Found out that my ex is going to have a baby. I’m still not sure how to feel, I know that I shouldn't feel like I care, but part of me has questions. Maybe just telling/writing this out will help me answer my own questions. I've realized I never mattered at all to the ex, and now I know love is truly blind, why wouldn't I believe he loved me especially when he told me that he wanted to marry me. I loved my ex to bunches, but apparently the feeling wasn't reciprocated. Here is a background story:

My ex and I had a baby, but while I was pregnant he breaks up with me. Come to find out he wanted to be with someone else, which he ended up marrying. Anyways, while I was pregnant he kept telling me that his girlfriend did not want to be with someone who has a kid, so he tells me to have an abortion, I tell him ‘NO’, then he tells me to give the baby up for adoption, I still said ‘NO’.

Later I have my son, and the ex wants to be part of his life, so we go to court, setup custody and child support. The ex tells me that he will be part of his life, and he will never move away from my son. He lied, he and his girlfriend decide to move to another state (Massachusetts) way across the country (my son and I living in Seattle). So we end up doing the long distance custody thing, web-cam, etc. The ex asks me if he can take my son to spend time with him on his non-schedule time for a week. I tell him sure, but he doesn't tell me why. It was because he was getting married and he wanted my son to be out there. He could not tell me that he was getting married, probably of the fear that I would say no. After that one week my son was out there, the ex emails me that he loves spending time with my son (doesn't mention that he loves him), but thinks that it is best that he just stays with me. Then the ex ends up giving me full custody and becomes a donor.

Why go through the trouble of having my son out there for his wedding to just give him up? I wonder if this was his decision or was it his wife’s influence. Was she jealous that my son was taking attention away from her? How can his wife want to be with someone who can easily give up on a child (his flesh and blood) that he supposedly loved? Oh that’s right, he never loved him. They (donor and his wife) deserve each other. Maybe by having a baby will diminish the guilty feeling of leaving my son. Donor is a big boy, he’ll have to live with his consequential choices. Thanks for letting me vent, wonder and question.

[Alty]

Sadly there are too many people out there that think children are an accessory, to take out whenever you feel like it, show off, and then put back on the shelf.

Your son is going to have a difficult time with this. He knew his father, spent time with his father, only to have his father totally abandon him. One day he'll wonder why. As a mother it's up to you to make sure he knows how very much he's loved, that this isn't his fault, not at all.

Forget about the ex. He's made his choices, and one day, if karma works, he'll have to live with them. If you're really lucky, you'll be allowed to watch when karma catches up to him. :)

[MikeBear]

You are done with this. Let things be, and live your own life. Best of everything, and hope it all works out OK.

[Telula]

Thanks Alty. You’re spot on about some people thinking children are an accessory. That’s what donor did with my son. It seemed that he wanted him when there was family around or a function to give him the opportunity to look good in front of anyone. He is in the hospitality industry, so he knows how to work it.

Fortunately, my son doesn't even ask about him, but when he comes asking I’ll be ready. He is loved by so many  We have a big family support.

Thanks again Alty for your response, and I do hope karma catches up with him.

You are done with this. Let things be, and live your own life. Best of everything, and hope it all works out OK.

Thanks Mike! You're right, but weird to think my son has a half sibling he won't know. That's fine with me! Is that wrong?

[JudyKayTee]

Sorry but I disagree with some of the advice - the whole "sperm donor" language is insulting and demeaning. You are speaking this way about the father of your child, possibly in the presence of your child. If not your child certainly must pick up on your feelings.

You will never know why your ex walked away from his child unless you ask him - we can all guess, we can all advise, we don't know. Maybe it's his wife's choice (read what's posted on the various AMHD boards and get some insight into that issue), maybe it's him. No one knows, presumably, but him.

I'd drop the "donor" language, be emotionally supportive for your child, seek counselling if it's necessary.

Was the father irresponsible when you were in a relationship with him or is this behavior new?