[jarofhearts]

I just recently found out that my boyfriend of 15 months is cheating on me. To give you some background, we met on a dating site and have had our share of struggles partly due to his job in the military.

When we first began dating, I was hesitant as expected meeting someone off the internet. I was amazed how fast I was falling for him but I kept having feelings that something wasn't right, but dismissed them because of his job having to travel so much.

Before his last deployment, I found out that he made a new user profile on the same dating site that we met. When I confronted him about it, he said that it was to help a friend create a profile and that he didn't delete it because he liked to make fun of some of the people on there. Red flag one, I know. I believed him because it is somewhat in his personality to do that. He deleted the account and we said our goodbyes as he left the country.

He just got back from a 4 month deployment, and we spent the weekend together. He left on Tuesday to go see him family out of state when I found some evidence that he's been speaking with other girls. I am not sure where when or how they met or if they've even met in person, but it still stings to know that he is emotionally cheating on me at the least.

When I confronted him about it Tuesday night, he at first tried to dismiss it, asking what are you talking about? And what's going on? Since I did not let up and said I knew he was talking with other girls he had no other choice but to fess up. I couldn't get any answers out of him other that how selfish he knew he was. He wouldn't tell me how many there really were, where or when they met, or if he'd slept with any of them while we were together.

What I'm on here for is some advice on if I should even consider taking him back. He emailed me that he was sorry and that he thought what he was doing was harmless and agrees that we should meet up when he gets back into town. (who knows if that will actually happen or not) he said that he would do anything to make things right, and that if it doesn't work out, he will regret if for the rest of his life because of what we were trying to build together. Load of crap? Or the admission of someone that is truly sorry.

The hardest part for me to really let him go is that we lived together for a month before he was deployed and was planning on moving in with me until my lease ends in 3 months, and we buy a house together. He said he wanted to start a family with me and was so excited about our future together, and I want(ed) the same things. It really feels like we were(are) in love, but I never imagined that my feelings of suspicion were accurate.

Am I being completely naïve to consider giving him a second chance? Or has my gut been right all along..

[Sizzle7711]

The way I see it, is to let him go. Then he will realize he can't cheat or he's going to lose the one he loves for good.

[jarofhearts]

If your bf/gf was cheating on you, would you like to know? Even if you were hearing it from the other woman/man?

I ask this question because my boyfriend has been cheating in me with multiple girls. After finding out we broke up. I have a email addresses for some of the other women whom he's been talking to... should I email them and tell them that he's cheating in them too not with just one but many other girls. I'm thinkings actually a narcissist and has some real mental issues. I would have liked to known sooner because we were making plans of buying a house together, glad we weren't in the middle of that.

Do the other girls deserve to know before they fall for him and gives them a life they cannot get back?

[tickle]

You have to ask yourself that what state of mind will this put you in, letting the others know that he is cheating on them. Do you think you are not going to hear back from them, they will sit tight and just read the e mail giving them information about someone they are possibly having a relationship with?

You won't be hearing the end of this till your dying day from these women if you start this ball rolling. I suggest you just move on, get on with your normal live and activities and forget about emailing everyone.

Sure they deserve to know, but why does it have to come from you ?

[jarofhearts]

So... if you've read my previous post about my ex you know that I found out he was talking to other women when he was deployed... or so he states. We finally got together to talk in person and well... im left so confused. I asked him the same questions that I asked him before and he would not give me any straight answers. But as the conversation progressed he told me 3 things that he thinks we could do if we decide to give it a second chance.

1. we should still live together because if we don't see each other often then things will never work
2. I get full access to his email and phone
3. we see a therapist or someone about our problems


So, all of this sounds like a man on the mends right? I agree with all of them except for the living together part because its way too soon to have him sleeping in the same bed as me. I'm glad that he suggested these things so that I didn't have to but he still won't give me straight answers on the questions that I ask him. I kept asking him if he wants to change any of his story that he's told me because I know that he's not telling me the whole truth and he won't budge.

I know it may sound silly to say, but part of me wants to give him the chance to make up for what he's done and prove to me that he still is the man I fell in love with. I still have feelings for him, now a few more than before, but I still find myself wondering if this will bring us together and make us stronger.

So my question to all of you is.

Should I give love a second chance?

[Fr_Chuck]

1. We should still live together because if we don't see each other often then things will never work
2. I get full access to his email and phone
3. we see a therapist or someone about our problems.

1. he still gets sex with you, so he has a win/win deal. A couple can see each other and not live in same house, it makes them work harder at it.
2. he just gets a new email address, I have 7 email addresses, you will never know
3therapist is a great idea

Perhaps wants to change or telling you what you want to hear. Could be either way.

The issue is, can you forgive, and are you willing to

[jarofhearts]

Thank you for responding, sex will most definitely be on hold until I can trust him again. I'm not sure if I can forgive him yet, but part of me does want to try. And the other part is pulling me in the opposite direction. I know people can have multiple emails, I have a few myself, but does couples therapy really work? Is it enough to decide whether to give him a second chance?

[Cat1864]

Your threads have been merged because they are all dealing with the same issue. It helps us give you better advice if you keep questions about the relationship in one thread. It lets us see what has been said and tried, what has helped and what hasn't. It keeps you from getting the same advice that hasn't worked over and over again.

I don't think you trust him and I am not certain you should. You have already given him a second chance when you accepted his story about making a profile to help a friend. He was put on notice that you felt talking to other women was crossing boundary lines. He still did it.

Counseling might help. It has helped other couples learn how to better communicate and to set boundary lines they can both accept.

I don't think it is a good idea for him to hand over passwords, etc. While it might seem like it would help you regain trust in him, all it would end up doing is enabling you to feed the insecurity keeping it alive and well. It could cause you to wonder if he is hiding other things from you and possibly lead to snooping.

He isn't a child who relies on his mother to tell him right from wrong. You shouldn't have to feel like he will cross the line if you aren't watching his every move. Do you want to turn into his mother?

Something for you to think about, do you think there is enough trust left for you to be willing to allow it to regrow or are you going to question his every move and worry yourself sick if he is deployed again?

[jarofhearts]

Right now I do not trust him. About the passwords section, I understand what you are saying. I did appreciate him offering it rather than have to ask for them. I know that other email accounts can be created and messages deleted, but it would give me some sense of reassurance, for the time being at least.

I find it quite amusing that you mentioned his mother. He in fact said when suggesting the therapist, that his mother originally suggested it. He said that when he talked to her that she thought it might be a good idea to get a third parties opinion. I thought in no way he would have suggested it or bridged the subject of it.

Trust? I am not sure yet. I guess I'm hoping that if he is truly wiling to go see someone with me that the therapist will help me learn to trust him again. It may never come back, but I guess I'm willing to find out if he is.

He also said that I would have access to his work schedule so that I would know ahead of time if he had to leave the state for his job.

He says he still wants all the same things with me that we were planning on. Living together, buying a house, getting married, having kids. Having a life together. And I still want all of that too, I'm just unsure now if he's the person I want it to be with.

As much as my friends and family have told me to forget him, I find it extremely difficult to not think about the what ifs. What if he can change? What if we can be happy together? What if I don't give him this one last chance, ill lose the one I'm was meant to be with.

No one said love was easy, but is it supposed to be this hard?

[ArmstrongMiller]

The way i see it, is to let him go. Then he will realize he can't cheat or hes going to lose the one he loves for good.

Agree!

[backpack2389]

I have been cheated on before. It was heartbreaking and difficult to let go of all of my feelings for the other person and dreams about our future, but I am so glad I did it now. I would not have been happy with him and neither has any girlfriend he has had since... or so I've heard.

However, if you think he's truly contrite and you have the capacity to forgive him, then you might give the relationship on last shot. Did you ever find out if he was just talking to the women or had actually slept with them? That would make a big difference for me and would for you as well, I imagine. Some people are okay with a little flirtation with members of the opposite sex, it just can't go further than that. Figure out where you really draw the line and then do it. Don't force it though. If you try to forgive him but find you can't, it will eat at you until you break up further down the road.

As for the sex, I personally would not sleep with someone that had possibly cheated until they were tested. But I'm very cautious and not a big fan of living with avoidable lifelong diseases.

[jarofhearts]

As far as I know, he has not slept with any of them. But again this is what he's told me. I do agree with getting tested before we become intamite again, if that may ever come up again.

I asked him to make an appointment with a therapist sooner rather than later. I'm hopping that meeting with someone may help me in deciding if its worth another shot. Going to see a therapist does not mean I have taken him back or given him a second chance just yet. Just an assessment I suppose