[tibis07]

My boyfriend and I have been friends for about 6-7 years. We have been dating for 8 months. We were best friends for a while, and since we started dating things have always smooth and loving. We are very caring and always demonstrate we love each other. For the past 6 months he has been staying at my apartment 6-7 nights a week. He has closet space, stuff in the pantry, there are a ton of his shoes in the rack, stuff in the bathroom. He has practically moved in with me. He has a key to place place and is free to come and go whenever he pleases.

We have been talking about spending the rest of our lives together, we are soul mates, we love each other more than anything, and we would do anything for each other. We share mutual feelings, hobbies, friends, etc. Now I feel like I’m ready to move on with the relationship and move in together. He doesn’t seem to be willing to do that, but yet he stays at my place almost every day. I do have an 8-year-old daughter. They get along very well, she loves my boyfriend and he tells me all the time that he is very comfortable with her and how much he likes her.

I brought up the subject a couple of times and I feel like it’s time to move in together “officially”. He owns a 4 bedroom house and says he is stuck with it and cannot move in with us. He doesn’t not want us to move in with him, even though I would pay half the bills. I do not understand, I feel very frustrated. Am I wasting my time? I have been considering taking some time apart. I am afraid of losing him, but at the same time, I don’t want to wait 2,3,4,5 years for him to decide when it’s time to commit. I have told him about how I feel; he said he completely understands but gave me no options on how to fix the situation. He just keeps saying he is just doing what “feels natural”. Is this one of those situations “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

I feel lost and sad. How do I go from here?

[odinn7]

Sounds like the two of you are living together yet he is just afraid of the commitment part of it all. Someone like this is very hard to change without motivation... and you are giving him no motivation by letting him live there.

Silly that he owns a house yet is unwilling to have all of you go there instead. Sounds like it would save some money as well.

[Wondergirl]

It sounds like it's time to cut off the milk supply -- or at least both of you go to couples counseling first to find out if you can work through this.

What's wrong with his four-bedroom house that you can't move in there (after marriage)? Actually, studies have shown that it's a good idea for a newly married couple to move into a third location (not his place or hers).

[talaniman]

He ain't ready for that kind of commitment after 8 months, long time friends or not, as there is a difference between friends, and dating.

Seems you have committed to him much deeper than he to you as I bet you don't have the same privileges as he enjoys do you? While I understand wanting to have him reciprocate in some ways, may I asked why you gave him access to a free cow without the commitment you want?

You have built a comfort zone that's hard to resist. A small sample of the milk is sufficient and if he wants more, then let him ask for it. That's when you present a contract to get the cow.

[Homegirl 50]

He does not want you to move into his larger place but has no problem practically living at yours. Hmmm. You either live together or you don't and since he does not want to, stop letting him stay at your place, especially since you have a child who is growing attached to him.
I agree with wondergirl, counseling would be good. See if you have enough going to make a relationship, if not he needs to stop spending time there. Your daughter's feelings are involved as well.

[Oliver2011]

It sounds like it's time to cut off milk supply -- or at least both of you go to couples counseling first to find out if you can work through this.

What's wrong with his four-bedroom house that you can't move in there (after marriage)? Actually, studies have shown that it's a good idea for a newly married couple to move into a third location (not his place or hers).

But I think he likes the milk...

Commitment is scary sometimes. I have been there. I gave up three others to be exclusive with my partner. Dang what a good decision that was.

"What's wrong with his four-bedroom house that you can't move in there" - I would think he must have a really good reason for this one and I sure would like to know it.

[tibis07]

We have talked about getting married eventually and he says that "in the future he wants to move somewhere else" (a third place closer to the beach), but right now he would like for things to stay the way they are. I am not comfortable with that. I have already expressed the reasons I am not comfortable, but he goes around and around.

But I think he likes the milk...

Commitment is scary sometimes. I have been there. I gave up three others to be exclusive with my partner. Dang what a good decision that was.

"What's wrong with his four-bedroom house that you can't move in there" - I would think he must have a really good reason for this one and I sure would like to know it.

There is nothing wrong with his 4-bedroom house. I do not have a spare key to the place. I do stay over once a month or so. My daughter has been there once or twice.

It sounds like it's time to cut off the milk supply -- or at least both of you go to couples counseling first to find out if you can work through this.

What's wrong with his four-bedroom house that you can't move in there (after marriage)? Actually, studies have shown that it's a good idea for a newly married couple to move into a third location (not his place or hers).

We have talked about getting married eventually and he says that "in the future he wants to move somewhere else" (a third place closer to the beach), but right now he would like for things to stay the way they are. I am not comfortable with that. I have already expressed the reasons I am not comfortable, but he goes around and around.

[odinn7]

I am not comfortable with that. I have already expressed the reasons why I am not comfortable, but he goes around and around.

You see this? It's funny how many people I see that come to this site and ask for answers but deep down, they already know the answers that they're looking for. You are one of them. You seem intelligent. You know what you want. You just needed to hear others say it as well so that you are sure that you are right. But really, at the back of it all, you do already know the answer to your question.

Good luck.

[dontknownuthin]

This is not a fair situation for you and is a poor example for your daughter. You need to tell him that you regret letting the current situation develop and that you thought it would naturally progress to living together or, better yet, engagement and marriage.

Let him know that what you really want is engagement, marriage and a shared home with shared expenses. Since he's not ready, you can't push him but need to dial things back then to a dating relationship. In that relationship, he can't come over every day - your daughter is getting too attached to a guy who's not adequately committed to you for her to expect him to be around daily. Also, you're paying all the bills for meals for all of you, and based on what he's telling you, you need to be planning your life financially as if you will be on your own indefinitely, which means saving more of your income. You and he need to at the very least have a shared, reciprocal arrangement where he takes you out or invites you over as often as he comes to your place for a meal. Some times, it needs to just be you and your child so that his not being there is also a norm for your child.

If you don't set up some boundaries, he will take advantage of this situation. You can't tell him what to do, but you can certainly determine what you are comfortable doing.

[tibis07]

You see this? it's funny how many people I see that come to this site and ask for answers but deep down, they already know the answers that they're looking for. You are one of them. You seem intelligent. You know what you want. You just needed to hear others say it as well so that you are sure that you are right. But really, at the back of it all, you do already know the answer to your question.

Good luck.

I do know what I want. I want to be with him, and move forward with my relationship and reach a level of commitment where (at least I feel like) we are both in it 100%. This is the first time I have my daughter involved in a relationship, and the reasons she was exposed to him are because 1) he has been my friend for years, 2) I feel that I found the person I want to be with.

I am not a relationship expert and I don't want to make any precipitated decisions. I’m thinking “if he is not sure I am the one by now, when is he going to be ready?” When do we take the next step? Should I push, or should I let it go? I don’t want to ruin my relationship. I think what we have is very special, but at the same time the situation is tearing me apart and I don’t know what to do. So, I am seeking help from others who can see the situation outside of my little box and give me some light. That’s all :)

And thank you guys for all the replies!

[joypulv]

'I am afraid of losing him.. '
Why isn't he afraid of losing you, I wonder, given that he knows how you feel?

As for the mystery of the house, all I can think of is that he either has been taken to the cleaners financially before, such as a marriage or a joint ownership of a house, or there is something about that house that he isn't telling you, some grief. Why does he own a 4 bedroom house? You've known him 7 years. Surely you know his past to some extent. Was he in love with a woman with children, bought the house, and she dumped him? Is he just waiting for the market to fully turn the corner, so he can sell it almost empty because you are cluttered, messy, have tons of stuff? Or he's not the sole owner, maybe his parents are?
Fill us in on all this.

[Wondergirl]

I still don't understand about his house. You don't even have a key to it?

I feel a bestselling romance novel welling up inside me about this entire situation.

[Homegirl 50]

There is nothing wrong with his 4-bedroom house. I do not have a spare key to the place. I do stay over once a month or so. My daughter has been there once or twice.



We have talked about getting married eventually and he says that "in the future he wants to move somewhere else" (a third place closer to the beach), but right now he would like for things to stay the way they are. I am not comfortable with that. I have already expressed the reasons I am not comfortable, but he goes around and around.[/QUOTE]

He is going round and round because you continue to act contrary to what you are telling him. If you are not comfortable with the arrangement (I would not be either) set some boundaries. He can no longer spend so many nights at your house, in fact he should not sleep over at all. If you two want to have a night or weekend, get a sitter, stay at his house, or go to a hotel. He should invite you to his home as often as you are at his. You have a daughter who's watching this play out.

[Alty]

I can only base my answer on my experiences. I can tell you that after only 8 months of dating, even if you've been friends for years, I would not feel comfortable moving in with someone, especially if there was a child involved. It's only been 8 months. You're thinking of leaving because he won't commit, well what happens if he does make the commitment you want, and then something else comes along that you don't like? Then what?

Why the rush to get married? You really haven't spent a long time as a couple. What's wrong with waiting 2 or 3 years?

If you want to leave over this, then that's your choice, but I have to say this. It's unlikely that you'll find someone else that wants to move in with your or marry you after only 8 months of dating, so if that's what you're looking for, you're going to need a lot of luck.

[Fr_Chuck]

It is real simple, he can visit, but no sex till he makes a commitment.

Next sorry I don't believe in soul mates, relationships are hard work, takes effort every day and every week and every month.

[tibis07]

It is real simple, he can visit, but no sex till he makes a committment.

Next sorry I don't believe in soul mates, relationships are hard work, takes effort every day and every week and every month.

We are having a talk tonight. Idk about cutting him off or anything :p but I do plan on setting some limits.

[joypulv]

Darn, we don't get to hear the Mystery of the Four Bedroom House?

[tibis07]

I can only base my answer on my experiences. I can tell you that after only 8 months of dating, even if you've been friends for years, I would not feel comfortable moving in with someone, especially if there was a child involved. It's only been 8 months. You're thinking of leaving because he won't commit, well what happens if he does make the commitment you want, and then something else comes along that you don't like? Then what?

Why the rush to get married? You really haven't spent a long time as a couple. What's wrong with waiting 2 or 3 years?

If you want to leave over this, then that's your choice, but I have to say this. It's unlikely that you'll find someone else that wants to move in with your or marry you after only 8 months of dating, so if that's what you're looking for, you're going to need a lot of luck.

You know, your answer made me think a lot about how he feels. I do not want to wait 2-3 years. I'm in my 30's.. I don't want to invest my time, my emotions, and put my daughter through anything like this if it is not going to mean anything. Why not just stay as friends? Or just date like everyone else? Why practically move in with me if it's not going to mean anything more? I don't want to leave him but I am taking a step back.

We are having a "talk" tonight. If he really doesn’t move in right now, I am asking for my keys back and I’m setting rules. He is not staying over everyday. I have joint custody of my child, so the days my daughter is gone, he will be welcome to stay. (Maybe not all the time, but maybe once a week or so) The days she is there, I do not want him there. Maybe on the weekends we can still do something all three of us, but until we are “together”, I think it is better if he is not part of my daughter’s routine. I feel like I need to either take a step forward, or a step back. Staying in limbo is just hurting me (and my daughter really).

[tibis07]

Darn, we don't get to hear the Mystery of the Four Bedroom House?

Lol Like I said I have known him for a long time. He has never been married, and he has no children. The house is beautiful, the neighbors know who I am. He has a “surf board room” (yes he is a surfer), he has a computer room, and a “spare bedroom” which he calls it “Gabi’s vacation room” (Gabi is my daughter’s nickname).

I really don’t understand why he’s so “protective” over the house. It bothers me to even think about it.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you have made a good decision. Take away his key and if he wants to spend a night, it is when your daughter is not there and spend the night at his place occasionally.