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Overthinker2013 · Jan 16, 2013, 06:31 PM

Hi there, So my girlfriend that I've been seeing recently broke up with me. I've only seen her for a month and a couple weeks but I felt very attracted to her, she was like no other girl I’ve met. She is amazing everybody knows her in my town and people told me to hold on to her because she's a real catch but I already knew that.

We get on very well but today she said that between juggling her work and seeing her friends and family she just doesn’t have enough time she said. I’d see her once or twice a week but I always had an amazing time with her. I could have been with her for 12 hours in a day and it felt like half an hour, so I’m confused that she said she doesn't have the time and she said if she was offered a job tomorrow in Canada or something she would just get up and leave in an instant. She also has problems with saying affectionate things like she can’t really compliment people and takes compliments awkward herself.

I then asked her if I asked her out again down the line would she ever go out with me again. She said I don't know as I can’t even see as far as next week but she said I’m not sure. I just feel really heartbroken about the situation as she was the best girl I’ve ever been in a relationship with and the best in general. In my town where 90% of the girls are shallow she was a diamond amongst the rough if you will. I just don’t know what to do with myself but I still really do want to ask her out again. What do you guys think?

P.S, I would just like to say to anybody who read this and replied its greatly appreciated thanks

jbhl · Jan 16, 2013, 08:08 PM

Aww, things like this really stink don't it? As far as I can tell... you two aren't meant to be together, at least not right now. She already has her priorities set, her career and her success. If she really says that she doesn't have the time, just trust that some people feel that more time needs to be devoted into a relationship when some people are just fine with 2 days a week. If this is what she feels, then you'll just have to trust that.

If all the girls in your area are so shallow.. either wait for yourself to be able enough to move, allow yourself the time and patience it's going to find in order to find amazing people. If everyone were so incredible, none of us would be. But we will all find our special someone's that are meant just for us, and most of us have to go through a lot of trial and error to find them. Maybe that's the case for her, but you can definitely find someone else, just have patience. There are more wonderful things to do in your youth than dating dating dating.

Overthinker2013 · Jan 17, 2013, 01:36 AM

Thanks for your advice I understand what you mean its just hard at the minute my hearts really set on her or so it seems I can't stop thinking about her at all, I felt like texting her today asking to talk but I know if I did I would probably say to her that we never even gave the realsonship a chance in the 1st place, it just annoys me severely as there's no one in my town like her she's extremely special to find here and all I want is her back again but I don't know what to say or do to try and make it work any advice?

Oliver2011 · Jan 17, 2013, 05:36 AM

She has made her decision and you are going to have to deal with it. Unfortunately if this girl decides she doesn't want to be with you there's nothing you can do about that. You do control how you react to her decision. Keeping in contact with her will not allow you to move forward. Stay active, go out with friends, go for a run, go to the gym, do anything to keep your mind active so you don't concentrate on this issues. All of us have gone through this in the past and all of us have survived. You will too.

Overthinker2013 · Jan 17, 2013, 05:56 AM

I understand what your saying but my best friends girlfriend who he lives with is my girlfriends best friend so it makes it hard not to talk to each other when I will presumbley see a lot of her in times to come the promblem lies in I have no were else to go I don't have any other friends at all, so my life revolved around her and now that she's left so has my intrests social events that I done with her, the only thing that annoys me is that when she broke up with me yestardy she was still going out to a nightclub that night with her friends which makes me think it might have not have been such a bug deal for her, I'm just still severely depressed iv'e never felt as bad in my life even cut my arm today that's how terrible I felt I know it sounds stupid but at the time its how I felt, any advice is appreciated

Oliver2011 · Jan 17, 2013, 06:01 AM

"i don't have any other friends at all, so my life revolved around her" Well now you have learned an important life lesson. Regardless of what relationship you are in, you still need a life. I am madly in love with my partner but we still kept the stuff we do without each other. For me it is tennis, racquetball, jai alai (Latin sport), and golf. For him (yes I am gay) it is surfing. That keeps the relationship healthy.

"even cut my arm today thats how terrible i felt i know it sounds stupid" - You are selling yourself short because not only is it stupid it is very very very stupid. Seriously - what is the point. You are going to allow a person that you have no control over control how you feel, your emotions, your actions, etc? Does that make any sense? You control those things. Yes breakups hurt, but never allow anyone to control your feelings and how you feel.

Overthinker2013 · Jan 17, 2013, 11:53 AM

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

"i don't have any other friends at all, so my life revolved around her" Well now you have learned an important life lesson. Regardless of what relationship you are in, you still need a life. I am madly in love with my partner but we still kept the stuff we do without each other. For me it is tennis, racquetball, jai alai (Latin sport), and golf. For him (yes I am gay) it is surfing. That keeps the relationship healthy.

"even cut my arm today thats how terrible i felt i know it sounds stupid" - You are selling yourself short because not only is it stupid it is very very very stupid. Seriously - what is the point. You are going to allow a person that you have no control over control how you feel, your emotions, your actions, etc? Does that make any sense? You control those things. Yes breakups hurt, but never allow anyone to control your feelings and how you feel.

First of all I would just like to say thanks for replying and taking the time out of your day too its greatly appreciated, I feel I a tiny bit better but its only cause I'm with my friend at the minute I hate my own company which sucks cause before I was like that anyway so this has made me hate my company more but I think I shall seek professional help for that, iv'e decided that even though it hurts a great deal I want to talk to her again in the next few days just to be friends I know for most people that's not a good idea but I couldn't lose her altoghter because she is very special and not like a lot of other girls in general so id feel bad not being her friend and in my eyes it takes a man to be friends with his ex, I know it will be difficult and I will explain this to her but she really still wants to be friends to and I enjoy her company a great deal so would it not be stupid to throw that away?

Oliver2011 · Jan 17, 2013, 12:11 PM

Originally Posted by Overthinker2013

first of all i would just like to say thanks for replying and taking the time out of your day too its greatly appreciated, i feel i a tiny bit better but its only cause im with my friend at the minute i hate my own company which sucks cause before i was like that anyways so this has made me hate my company more but i think i shall seek professional help for that, iv'e decided that even though it hurts a great deal i want to talk to her again in the next few days just to be friends i know for most people thats not a good idea but i couldnt lose her altoghter because she is very special and not like alot of other girls in general so id feel bad not being her friend and in my eyes it takes a man to be friends with his ex, i know it will be difficult and i will explain this to her but she really still wants to be friends to and i enjoy her company a great deal so would it not be stupid to throw that away?

Not a good choice at all but it is your choice to make. You will be hanging on and when she tells you again that she doesn't want a relationship you will feel worse and worse. But again it is your choice to make.

"i feel i a tiny bit better but its only cause im with my friend" - nobody said you have to feel good after a breakup and you are using what works. Go out with friends and have a good time. Do something else that you enjoy. Go for a run and appreciate the little things in life.

"i hate my own company" - what is that about? That needs to be fixed because you will always be with you. The few times I get time by myself I love. Seriously man you have some things YOU need to fix about you before you can be a great boyfriend or husband. Get those things fixed and your relationships will be better.

And you are very welcome. I wish you the best.

FightingBlues · Jan 17, 2013, 12:15 PM

It would be stupid to be friends with her if you allow it to serve as a constant reminder of all the good times you shared as a couple. You might even find it harder to be your own person and comfortable being single if you are constantly involved in her life. Be true to yourself and if you think that you can separate your attraction to her and the friendship you want with her then give it a try. However, air with a side of caution if you decide to proceed with the friendship. If you really can't help but have feelings for her or hold out some false hope that she will want you again, even though you're "just friends", then it's unhealthy to torture yourself like that. Make a clean break so you can find someone who is equally attracted to you and wants a committed relationship. You won't gain satisfaction if you pine for someone who doesn't give you the same love in return. Sorry to say this buddy, but if she wanted you, she would do everything in her power to stay with you, not turn the other way!

Overthinker2013 · Jan 17, 2013, 12:34 PM

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Not a good choice at all but it is your choice to make. You will be hanging on and when she tells you again that she doesn't want a relationship you will feel worse and worse. But again it is your choice to make.

"i feel i a tiny bit better but its only cause im with my friend" - nobody said you have to feel good after a breakup and you are using what works. Go out with friends and have a good time. Do something else that you enjoy. Go for a run and appreciate the little things in life.

"i hate my own company" - what is that about? That needs to be fixed because you will always be with you. The few times I get time by myself I love. Seriously man you have some things YOU need to fix about you before you can be a great boyfriend or husband. Get those things fixed and your relationships will be better.

And you are very welcome. I wish you the best.

Thanks again I really appreciate your advice, I understand what your saying but I think I will try to be friends with her which I have never done with any of my previous ex's, but because I really only have one solid friend she would always be there to, too see my friensds girlfriend who he lives with so I just don't want things to be awkward, and I do really enjoy her company I great deal and her like wise from what iv'e heard I'd love to just feel OK again and at least be civilised around her, but also don't want to live on too much hope that I will get back with her in the future for definte, but I still more than likely will ask her again wheather it goes well or not is a different question but I will have nothing to lose at that point anyway I guess, but have any of you guys ever been able to successfully friends with any of your ex's?

talaniman · Jan 17, 2013, 12:35 PM

Break ups suck and we never understand them while we go through it. But we all learn to build a life that we enjoy without the exes, and be happy with family, friends, and fun activities.

Maybe these stickies here will show you how others move on,heal,and find happiness in themselves and the life the rebuild.

Oliver2011 · Jan 17, 2013, 12:46 PM

Originally Posted by Overthinker2013

Thanks again i really appreciate your advice, i understand what your saying but i think i will try to be friends with her which i have never done with any of my previous ex's, but because i really only have one solid friend she would always be there to, too see my friensds gf who he lives with so i just dont want things to be awkward, and i do really enjoy her company i great deal and her like wise from what iv'e heard i'd love to just feel ok again and at least be civilised around her, but also dont want to live on to much hope that i will get back with her in the future for definte, but i still more than likely will ask her again wheather it goes well or not is a different question but i will have nothing to lose at that point anyways i guess, but have any of you guys ever been able to succesfully friends with any of your ex's?

"but have any of you guys ever been able to succesfully friends with any of your ex's?" Yes. I have an ex wife and an ex boyfriend that I am friends with.

HOWEVER - you have some things to fix in your life first. If those things were fixed then maybe you could make it work. If you choose not to fix those things then I don't see it working at all. How are you going to react and feel when you see her holding another guy's hand or kissing another guy? Do yourself a favor and get fixed first.

talaniman · Jan 17, 2013, 12:58 PM

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Oliver2011 again.

"but have any of you guys ever been able to succesfully friends with any of your ex's?"

After years of doing my our thing and healing from the both of us. After a break up... NEVER, just to many raw emotions and unresolved feelings to enjoy being with an ex as a friend. Seeing them move on before you can hurts like hell.

FightingBlues · Jan 17, 2013, 01:04 PM

Yeah I agree with Talaniman. It is very difficult to be true friends with an ex and even if you move on to be with someone else, you will find yourself thinking from time to time, what would have happened if I stayed? Where would I be now? Only under rare and extremely mature circumstances is it possible to be friends with an ex. It largely depends on the reasons you broke up and how strongly you felt about that person.

Oliver2011 · Jan 17, 2013, 01:06 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Oliver2011 again.

"but have any of you guys ever been able to successfully friends with any of your ex's?"

After years of doing my our thing and healing from the both of us. After a break up.................NEVER, just to many raw emotions and unresolved feelings to enjoy being with an ex as a friend. Seeing them move on before you can hurts like hell.

Well the NEVER part is certainly the easiest and best path forward in the long run. And in his case I would TOTALLY agree.

My ex wife and I share two kids so it just makes sense to be friends. We used to share two pups but they have passed - AWWWWW.

Overthinker2013 · Jan 17, 2013, 06:32 PM

Hi, again I was at my friends house today and just thought will be friends and as for the going out with other guys I don't see it and neither does my best friend or her's, but yeah if I did go out to a bar and see her kiss another guy I'd probably leave and might not want to talk to her but I know she wouldn't in front of me anyway and plus she said to her best friend I was the best guy she'd ever dated fullstop

She just said she wasn't ready for a relasonship with anybody at the minute cause she has a new job and has like a million friends so between juggling that and the fact she might not know if this new job will work out to begin with she was saying, she wants to travel a lot to and she herself is a real tomboy and she's even told me herself she is lol,

But when I got back to my friends house she was there chatting his girlfriend (her bestfriend), and I just chatted away and just acted like it was all good and had a bit of laugh with her and all and I told her I wanted to have a talk before she goes back to work Monday just to pretty much say I hope we can be friends cause I guess after tonight this happens to everyone so I should just grow a set a balls and deal with it like a man, what do you guys think?

talaniman · Jan 17, 2013, 06:52 PM

Your man hood will be tested. We all learn what we are made of and this is but one of many more tests to learn about yourself.

No big deal unless you make it one.

Overthinker2013 · Jan 17, 2013, 07:26 PM

Trying not to, still have a lot of feelings for her but I'm just going to have to think this happens to other people to and there's people out there in a lot worse promblems but I will always really like her a great deal and will be attracted to her, as I ponder the hardest thing will be if I do see her kiss somebody else or if I see she's dating someone else I don't know if I could be friends then but I know she won't date someone else for quite a while as she's having family promblems herself and stuff and work and everything so by that time hopefully I can ask her out again if I feel she's up for it, but I don't know still sort of cuffled lol what do you guys think?

Again thanks for taking the time to read this and reply greatly appreciated all you out there thanks again

talaniman · Jan 17, 2013, 07:47 PM

I think good or bad you will figure it out for yourself. Keep your head up, and don't give away your dignity or self respect. What she or anyone else does matters not at all. What YOU do is what counts.

Overthinker2013 · Jan 17, 2013, 07:54 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think good or bad you will figure it out for yourself. Keep your head up, and don't give away your dignity or self respect. What she or anyone else does matters not at all. What YOU do is what counts.

Thanks I just need to figure it out but not stress out too much about it I know I will be sad about it for quite a bit longer as we only broke up on Wednesday so I guess with my emotions running wild as well at this present time I just don't know the best way to approach this problem at this present in time its all I bit head frying at the minute if you get what I mean