[Misunderstood4]

I am in a relationship of over a year with a wonderful man. My past relationships have all been abusive. I have been lied to cheated on and physically abused... I was molested as a child and I have children with a man who beat me violently for 10 years.

The problem I have is, that now I am insecure and jealous of EVERY other woman my fiancé comes in contact with. He loves me, this I know. He loves my children, he has their names tattooed on his arms... mine on his back. He is 10 years younger than I am which also causes another source of insecurity in me... I have tried everything... Ive gone to counseling, Ive gone to women's groups, Ive gone to a hypnotherapies, Ive tried anti depressants... EVERYTHING

2 months ago my father passed away after a 3 year battle with dementia which has made things even worse... My fiancé works away 3 weeks out of every month and I am constantly accusing him of cheating and wanting other women. I recently ended the relationship because I just can't do the long distant thing... its tearing me apart, I feel alone and hurt... I don't know what to do.

I am what most people consider attractive, I have a good job and an education... by most peoples account, I should not be so worried about all the stuff I accuse him of... but even super models get cheated on...

I am at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do. I want more than anything to marry this man... but I am ruining our relationship... someone please help me

[Wondergirl]

You and I are standing in front of a magic full-length mirror. We are able to step into it, into another world where you have become a counselor and I have become you, Misunderstood 4. We sit down at a small table and sip excellent coffee and nibble on chocolate cookies. I tell you, my therapist, that I am at the end of my rope and why (all of the above).

What do you say to me?

[FightingBlues]

It sounds like you're acutely aware that you're suffocating the relationship. Give yourself a pat on the back for recognizing that! Unfortunately your behaviour is a cause of your tragic childhood, the abuse you've endured from your past relationships and your father's prolonged suffering with dementia. I know you've said you've tried everything to heal your emotional wounds, but have you truly forgiven yourself for the tragedies that plague your past? If not, you are not treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated and in turn, it will be harder for your boyfriend to return the same. Don't push your boyfriend into situations that don't apply to the relationship. Doing so will only produce the opposite effect. You will push him away. If you ended this recently, use this time to do some soul-searching and tell yourself that you're worth it for this man. When you know better, you do better. Please don't let a good man pay for the mistakes of people who have wronged you or have left you. It's not his fault they proved themselves to be untrustworthy or that they have slipped away. If you feel you can't help the urge to accuse him of things he didn't do, then you should take a long step away from the relationship before you make your personal hardships someone else's. Then once you've truly healed, you will find yourself able to contribute more positives in the relationship. It will be a long and hard journey to self-recovery but I wish you all the best my dear! :)

[samcreed]

It will take a few years to get over your past, if then. You have tried many things to get over it, and I think you are GREAT for trying what you have said.
I wish you would stop trying so hard. If this man really loves you as you say, he will not mistreat you, beat you, or stop loving you. Get it in your head that it's true. You both have to have respect for each other. Please stop worrying so much about all this. Got a hobby? Besides work? Find something to do, instead of driving yourself nuts over something that probably will never happen. Good luck, and hope you have a great new year.

[Oliver2011]

Misunderstood4

I am probably not the best one to give you advice on what you posted. I just wanted to tell you that I've been there too - probably not to the level that you have expressed. I was molested badly as a child (don't tell anyone on here - this is the first time I've said it). I went through 9 years of my mom's Alzheimer's at the same time I was dealing with my dad's brain tumor. I know how horrid Alzheimer's can be on the family. I had to deal with the horrible childhood and make myself a survivor. During the adult year stuff, I had to deal with both my parents horrible deaths, a divorce, and losing the job I loved all within a 3 or 4 month period. I had to survive and made myself a survivor. If I can do it you can as well.

I wish you all the luck.

[Misunderstood4]

I know all the right things to say to you... that's the saddest part of all this. I have actually worked at a domestic violence centre providing support and counselling for women leaving abusive relationships, given presentations on self esteem etc... I now work as a intsructor for youth teaching a skills link (life skills) class... I know all the right things to SAY, I just don't seem to be able to implement them in my own life...

[kolorist73]

Reading your original post feels like looking in a mirror. The similarities are uncanny. I'm also now in a fantastic relationship with a wonderful man and my past is causing insecurities that are not okay.

I still have a lot to work on, but we are working on it together. I started by sharing my fears with him, but I was careful not to accuse him of anything and I let him know that I'm aware that it's a problem that I need help with. I also see a counselor. I'll share with you the steps I took and hopefully they will help.

-Write down your fears and insecurities, owning them as your feelings, not accusations. Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself "What am I worried about and why?"
-Take time to think about what you wrote, rewrite it to clarify your thoughts.
-Sit down with your fiancée when he's rested, relaxed, and fed and ask him if he will help you read over your list. Let him talk and approach everything calmly.

I did this with my fiancée and we were able to discover some really cool stuff. His reassurance was great. Because I asked him for help with MY issues and admitted that I had the problem, he was able to talk to me without being defensive, mad, and threatened. It gave him the chance to see that I love him and I don't want my problems to ruin it.

He is more aware of where my insecurities are coming from and he is comforted knowing it isn't his fault. Just talking to him calmly has given him to tools he needs to help us both, instead of yelling at him leaving him like a deer in headlights thinking "What did I do?"

I hope this helps. Good luck to you!

[talaniman]

Harshness Warning

You are not ready for a healthy relationship because you have neglected building a healthy relationship with yourself. But until you do then this relationship will be but a comfort zone that allows you to NOT implement the tools you have learned and taught to others for yourself, while it lasts.

That's the sad part of this situation is you have chosen not to even try to "fake" a healthy out look as you give in to impulses from learned behavior from the past. Maybe you do this for your kids, but you obviously aren't doing it for YOU!

I can only conclude you want to fail because its easier than doing the work on yourself that's required for implementing a plan of action you know will work. To do this you must find courage to do, and not talk about it any longer.

No more excuse of where you came from and what you are doing. None of this will work until you get off the pity pot, and actually do something for YOURSELF. Get out of your own way and put aside the fear of failure, and do what you know you must, instead of creating the excuse to fail in the future which is squarely on your shoulders.

Even if you try and fail, its better than just failing because you don't try. So to be frank, just get up off your a$$,and go for it!! At least ACT like you're trying!