[AlleyO23]

Okay so my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now. We have a pretty good relationship and live together. I feel we have great sex and I know my boyfriend loves my body and the way I look. I'm down to try anything to keep things interesting and I dress up in lingerie and fun outfits regularly. I know I'm attractive ( not in a stuck up way it's just that I've been told so a lot and I'm happy with my appearance).

My issue is this, since the beginning of our relationship my boyfriend has been honest about liking porn. I on the other hand don't like that he watches it. It makes me feel inadequate and makes me doubt his interest in me. I know guys have needs and so do I, I love sex and probably seek it out more than he does. I have never rejected him physically and always seek to please him. I guess I'm at a loss as to why I'm not enough. I have also taken sexy pics and sent them in hopes that he could use those for a visual. So it has been a big issue with us, he had lied to me about it a couple of times because he said he knows that it upsets me, but is generally very honest about it. He tells me it's not personal that he is very attracted to me and is happy with the sex we have, but simply that sometimes he likes to jerk off and porn is strictly a visual aid for him.

I don't know why it hurts me and makes me feel so low but it does and he has told me he will make a strong effort to watch less (he normally did about once a week) but that he wouldn't promise me to stop because he probably won't and doesn't want to lie to me by making a false promise. He has been watching it less but still does and every time he does and I know I get very emotional and cry, he knows it hurts me and yet he still does it, he says he doesn't mean to hurt me he's just trying to "get off".

The thing is at this point, it's almost not about the porn it's the fact that he won't stop doing something that he knows is hurtful to me, I feel disrespected every time, I just don't get it. I'm so lost here, I love him to death but it makes me wonder what else is he capable of doing (that would hurt me) if he does this. Generally I trust him, but I just don't know what to do anymore I desperately need advice. Am I being ridiculous and I need to somehow let it go or is this valid?

P.s we have watched it together I was hopeful that this would help but I was consumed with the thought that he was getting off more so from the porn than me. So I feel I have tried to meet him in the middle but it just didn't feel good to me on an emotional level.

[talaniman]

I take it you don't masturbate, never have, so maybe you have no clue why people do. Men and women.

After all my years of answering his question I honestly am at a loss sometime to understand why the need to see this on such an emotional personal level. Why is it always about the female being threatened by a common male habit?

No you are not ridicules at all, you just cannot understand the male mind and accept its not about YOU at all. I get it makes you feel bad, inadequate, not enough, insecure,and all those feelings. Porn does nothing for you. I get all that. He does too, and if you want to meet a guy half way, your honest straight up guy, then work on your own feelings about porn, and remove the threat it poses to you, so you can give him time and space as its obvious you will never join in and share his fun.

That's okay, but the more you make it a big issue the less you will understand this quirk in the male psyche. Not only will your resentments grow, but his too, and that's no good. He agreed to slowdown, but that's not good enough, now he must quit and he told you that's not going to happen so stop trying.

The real problem I see is how you handle yourself and your inability to believe him when he says he is all about you, and deserves some him time. So back off and save the tears, open your mind and accept him for who he is and let him have his time and instead of pacing the floor crying, have your own time to yourself since you do not understand its not about you, and really just from a guy is not your business.

Be grateful he is honest, and open so believe him when he says its no big deal, and its not emotional but physical. The only threat to you is NOT understanding your man and making it about him stroking his shaft, instead of your emotions.

I mean can't you women just leave us alone for 10 freakin' minutes without making a big deal of us enjoying ourselves without you?? Just because you don't masturbate, why can't I... um... he?

[AlleyO23]

I take it you don't masturbate, never have, so maybe you have no clue why people do. Men and women.

After all my years of answering his question I honestly am at a loss sometime to understand why the need to see this on such an emotional personal level. Why is it always about the female being threatened by a common male habit?

No you are not ridicules at all, you just cannot understand the male mind and accept its not about YOU at all. I get it makes you feel bad, inadequate, not enough, insecure,and all those feelings. Porn does nothing for you. I get all that. He does too, and if you want to meet a guy half way, your honest straight up guy, then work on your own feelings about porn, and remove the threat it poses to you, so you can give him time and space as its obvious you will never join in and share his fun.

Thats okay, but the more you make it a big issue the less you will understand this quirk in the male psyche. Not only will your resentments grow, but his too, and thats no good. He agreed to slowdown, but thats not good enough, now he must quite and he told you thats not going to happen so stop trying.

The real problem I see is how you handle yourself and your inability to believe him when he says he is all about you, and deserves some him time. So back off and save the tears,open your mind and accept him he is and let him have his time and instead of pacing he floor crying have your ow time to yourself since you do not understand its not about you,and really just from a guy is not your business.

Be grateful he is honest, and open so believe him when he says its no big deal, and its not emotional but physical. The only threat to you is NOT understanding your man and making it about him stroking your emotions instead of his shaft.

I mean can't you women just leave us alone for 10 freakin' minutes without making a big deal of us enjoying ourselves???? Just because you don't masturbate, why can't I.......um...........he??

First off thanks for your insight it is helpful to hear another guys perspective, part of me gets it. And just a heads up I do get off alone. I just enjoy thinking of him and I going at it. I'm sure porn would be less work because the fantasy is visual and you don't have think about a specific moment ir thing you liked to get off, but I feel like it would be a betrayal to my boyfriend in some way, just the way I feel a bit of betrayal from him. And I do understand that for men there is no emotion to it, I know he's not trying to hurt me, but he is... I just don't get how you love someone but actively choose your ten minutes of physical feel good over a that persons happiness.. Does that make any sense? I know it's not about me but it hurts me why doesn't he care that it does? Maybe I do just need to get over it. You're right in that at least he's honest, and has made efforts.

[Fr_Chuck]

Women and men are wired differently. The watching porn has nothing to do with you at all. And to be honest he is going to keep watching it, it may have to start lying to you, if you push it with him too much.

You need to get counseling or what ever it takes to get over it, making him stop is not the answer to it.

[talaniman]

He isn't hurting you, you hurt yourself. You blame your hurt on him and his porn. Stop doing that to yourself. Let him have his fantasy feel good 10 minutes.

Remember its your emotions and feelings overwhelming YOU.

[AlleyO23]

He isn't hurting you, you hurt yourself. You blame your hurt on him and his porn. Stop doing that to yourself. Let him have his fantasy feel good 10 minutes.

Remember its your emotions and feelings overwhelming YOU.

How am I hurting myself? If he didn't watch it I wouldn't be hurt. If you take the problem (myself+him+porn) and subtract the porn I don't have hurt. Him and I are good except for this. I get that my feelings are my own but my feelings are a result of another's actions not my own. I don't understand?

[odinn7]

You're hurting yourself because you are making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be and you are letting it eat at you when you should just learn to let it go.

[vivianjustme]

I say both of you make a porn video together maybe its video sex that excites him

[talaniman]

How am I hurting myself? If he didn't watch it I wouldn't be hurt. If you take the problem (myself+him+porn) and subtract the porn I don't have hurt. Him and I are good except for this. I get that my feelings are my own but my feelings are a result of another's actions not my own. I don't understand?

Or you can take yourself out of the equation,(left with him+porn) would you still have hurt? I submit for your thinking that the problem is (you +porn) and where the real conflict lies. Is it true? You have no use for porn and he does?

Many women are jealous and insecure that their man gets turned on and satisfied without them. It hurts them. When it becomes a problem is when there is no compromise that benefits you both. Seems he compromised but you have NOT.

So where is meeting him in the middle as you said? Watching it with him and getting nothing from it while he did? Are you saying the only solution that works (for you) is if he stops watching porn completely?

What's your compromised where you both benefit because trust me he won't stop, and if he did he would hate you.

[backpack2389]

You're hurting yourself because you are powerless to change this situation. There is no way for you to get the outcome that you want. In other words, you are beating your head against a stone wall.

I understand your feelings completely and personally feel that they are entirely valid. However, and I hate to adopt this defeated attitude, what can you do? He will continue to use it and while he may care how you feel, his desire to use porn obviously outweighs any guilt he may feel over hurting you. He will not change and if you're the only one saying that he should (meaning that society isn't backing you), you will look like a 'control freak' and your argument to stop will just fall on deaf ears. Either accept that he will look at porn regardless of how you feel or leave him. Whichever option sounds better (or makes you feel the least awful) is probably the one you should go with.

And honestly, even if you are only looking at and thinking of him now, that will change. There will be other men that you want to have sex with too down the road and I bet you will fantasize about and ogle at them - unless of course, you make a conscious decision to focus solely on your partner.

[Riot]

well... as a male with a girlfriend, I can say that I would prefer the company of the girlfriend over porn...
the idea of watching it while knowing I have a girlfriend makes me uncomfortable.
Because of the fact that I value her over my own self desires, basically.
I know people watch it for different reasons, but at the same time you make a choice what you do and for me it was choosing my girlfriend over it because what you get from a girl your with compared to something superficial on a screen is much deeper (I don't nesseserally mean sexual stuff).
personally my opinion is this: My girlfriend is valuable to me, so if something hurts her then I honor her I don't do it.

but as I said, people do things for different reasons, its not black and white...

[jazzas]

Its normal," watch it with him .if you want him to stop " that way he can't wank lol

[fatty1901]

He loves you and you still love him. That's all what really matters.

[dontknownuthin]

I have mixed feelings about this. Another woman recently posted about her boyfriend using porn, and in that post she described him lying about it and it appeared to be more of an obsessive interest, which appeared to have a negative impact on their sex life. He seemed oblivious to her feelings, I thought. In this case, it seems that he's trying to keep you out of it, you sound like you have a satisfying relationship otherwise, so it seems that the elements of lying and deception aren't really there. So it might be worth working through.

That said, I could not be in a committed relationship with a man who regularly indulges in porn because I have strong feelings about the impact on sex industry jobs on women. I know that some women are simply very sexual by nature, are in charge of their own career and really enjoy and are empowered by being in these jobs. However, I think they are a very small minority. For the same reason I do not permit my rap-loving son to buy music by those musicians in the style who have ties to gangs, I would not want my partner supporting the sex industry.

I guess the bottom line is that we have to seek compatibility, and if your gut is that you don't want porn to be part of your life or relationship, thoise feelings are valid. That said, the fact that your boyfriend enjoys it is not necessarily a commentary on how he feels about you. It sounds like it's just what he said - a visual aid for self-satisfaction. And lots of happy men in relationships still indulge in this - probably most, if not all.

Don't feel badly for your feelings - there are plenty of men who are not into porn. Plenty of others are. If it's a deal breaker for you, that's fine - you can move on. If you don't want to move on though, you will need to come to terms with it, accept your boyfriend's explanation, and allow him to keep it from you. It's not meant to be a lie - it's meant to spare your feelings.

[smoothy]

Word of advice... get over it bothering you or your relationship is doomed...

Because its not about you in any way shape or form... porn for guys is exactly the same as 50 shades of gray books , romance novels chick flicks or soap operas are to women.

Guys are stimulated visually the same way women are stimulated by what I mentioned.

Start dictating what he can do on his time... and he WILL develop resentment. If not IF.. but when.