[xfallenangel666x]

To start, my fiancé and I have been engaged for nearly eight months. I am 19 and he is 22. In January I had my fiancé come spend a couple weeks with me in Madison, where I attend college. He said he needed a break from his controlling father and wanted to spend time with me. Something came up to where I could not get the money to send him home, so he had to stay a few extra days. The college I attend does not have long distance, so there wasn't a way for him to call home and tell his parents. Therefore, his parents called the Residence Life Coordinators at my dorm an average of about three times a day, and I did not get one message from them about the parents calling. I finally got the money and he went home.

Around 1:45 a.m. the day after he got home, he called and told me his dad said that he would throw him out on the street if he didn't break up with me. So we decided, to appease his father, that he should pretend we are broken up. Another condition was that he could not talk to me through letters or on his father's telephone. We have had sporadic phone calls (about once or twice a week), but no letters. His dad thinks that I am a bad person because an abusive, alcoholic ex-boyfriend of mine told him lies that I was in trouble with the law when I've never even been in any trouble with the police in my life! His dad does not like me for whatever his reasons are and thinks that I am bad for his son.

I tried talking to his father once when Peter ran away for a week without telling anyone where he was going. He told his dad he was going to our friend Dan's, but he wasn't there. His dad then called me and spent an hour berating me and saying that he thought Peter was with me. Of course, I cried like a baby on the phone and the man showed no remorse for treating me like a piece of garbage.

At this point, I feel that his dad is not going to change his mind no matter what we do. It hurts me to say this, but Peter and I do not want his father to attend our wedding because of the irrational hatred he feels for me. I have NEVER done anything to cross Peter's father because I love Peter and do not want to burden the father-son relationship they have. However, I feel that his dad is doing everything possible to ensure that we don't stay together. Peter has told me endlessly that he will do everything in his power to make this work because he said, "Babe, you mean the world to me and I will not lose you." I still feel like this will be too much of a strain on our relationship for us to last.

His dad still stands by the fact that he will kick Peter out if he sees me. His dad still controls Peter's life like he is a baby, right down to when and what he can eat! I've seen it. He needs to get out of that environment but does not have the means right now (he's in a low-paying job for the moment) to move out on his own. Peter and I are both ADULTS so I see no reason why his dad should have this much control over our relationship. I want Peter to stand up to his dad, but I do not want him out on the streets (because he has no other place to go if he gets kicked out). Is there anything he and I can do to mitigate the situation before it endangers the deep love we have for each other?

PLEASE give me some advice!

[Fr_Chuck]

Let me see he is 22 and he is chosing to not see you to make his father happy. Sorry but if a person really loves another person, not wild horses can keep you apart.

And what wedding, there won't be a wedding, peter is being controlled by his dad and will not do things to do his own thing.

** a 22 year old "running away from home for a week" sounds like someone acting like a 14 year old.

They have thing called calling cards, you buy them to call long distance, and mail boxes you rent to get mail, so you could contact and write each other if you planned it properly.

Peter needs to move out and get on his own, this will change his parents tune shortly. He can get roommates, and do many things

Peter has to start making choices,

[Nosnosna]

Your fiancé needs to grow up. If his parents are interfering with what he wants, he needs to get out of their house, and at 22, he can do that. Even with a low paying job, he should be able to find some kind of housing.

As far as being limited by his parents... so long as he's living under their roof, their unreasonable rules are a part of his life. If he's not willing to find a way out of those rules, perhaps he prefers living rent free to seeing you.

As far as the wedding itself goes... don't worry about that for now. That's several problems down the line, and won't even be an issue until the rest of the stuff has been resolved.

[ScottGem]

Reading this alarms started blaring. First, is the issue that Chuck addressed. If Peter is letting his father control his life to this extent, he is not good husband material.

Second, you start talking about Peter's staying with you. You said he couldn't go home on time because YOU didn't have the money and you didn't let his parents know because there was no long distance in the dorm rooms. Sorry, but there are so many other ways to call home that excuse just doesn't fly. Which means I have to wonder about what else you aren't telling us.

I think the two of you need a break and need to cool it for a while. At least until you are both finished with school and on your own.

[s_cianci]

Well, the bottom line is that Peter is 22 and is no longer subject to his father's authority. He is free to move out and do his own thing. However, since Peter is in a "low-paying job for the moment" and evidently unable to support himself, is he financially ready for marriage? Will you be willing and able to support the two of you? It sounds like you've made every reasonable attempt to communicate with Peter's father. We don't have the father's point of view but I'd find it hard to believe that he'd unequivocally take the word of an "abusive, alcoholic ex-boyfriend." According to you, that's the only basis he has for his dislike of you. Is it possible that Peter could stay with you or a friend and share expenses? Also, Peter is eventually going to have to find a higher-paying job, whether he gets married or not. Based on your post, it doesn't sound healthy for him to remain living with his father. Hisn father may do everything in his power to keep Peter away from you but I'm sure that Peter's resourceful enough to get around that if he wants to.

[JacintaBlue2004]

Hi, Im 20 And Im Going Through Kind Of The Same Thing As You. My Fiancé Is 23 And We Have Been Engaged For About 4 Months. His Grandmother And A Couple Of His Aunts Despise Me Although I Have Never Even Had A Conversation With This Woman. My Fiancé Has A 2yr Old Son From A Previous (messed Up Relationshiip) And For Whatever Reasons The Baby's Mother And The Grandmother Are Best Friends. She Wants Him To Be With The Baby's Mother. Its So Bad That She Doesn't Even Let Him See His Son Half The Time Even Though He Pays His Child Support Because Of Me... one Of His Aunts Is So Nice... she Adores Me So Much... but I Just Want To Tell You Me And Him Decided That Screw What Everyone Else Says We Are Going To Do Us Forever So You Do You Whatever It Takes...

[tinsign]

Well I can tell you now that this guy your engaged to is not going to ever go against what his father says. If you stay with this guy and end up later marrying him it is not going to be just the two of you in the marriage his father will also be right there.
I also see that he depends on his father for his money, at his age he should be able to support himself.
You say he ran away from home? That is no sign of maturity to have to as an adult runaway as if a minor.
You must sit and think all this through... The having to cover up where he goes and what either of you do is not maturity, I think Peter needs a few years or more to grow into being a man.. and as of right now it would be a major mistake to even think marriage with him.

[talaniman]

No matter how you paint this fellow he still is a young guy who isn't ready for a relationship, let alone MARRIAGE? Any 22 year old who cannot put a roof over his head is not ready. Sorry but I would advise you to let this kid grow up, and not give him an excuse not to, by giving him a place to get away from his family. He can't stand on his own two feet. Do you honestly think you can prop him up? No way.

[xfallenangel666x]

I just wanted to let you all know that my fiancé now has a job and is currently staying with a friend until he can get a place of his own. We had a long talk the night I posted this and he decided to finally stand up to his dad and be a man about it. I'm so happy that he finally decided to stop being a wuss and stand up to his dad! <3

[ScottGem]

Wtg!