[Downhiller67]

I was dating this girl for a year and couple months. I've never meshed with someone so well. It was a great relationship; however, she was reluctant to commit to me... I had met her a month after she broke up with a boyfriend of 4 years. I understood and let her take the time she needed to get over him. Hindsight is 20/20 and I know I should have put my foot down a long time ago. I'm the typical nice guy and understood the feelings with breaking up with someone.

We spoke almost every day since meeting and hung out all the time. Things started getting pretty serious but she still wouldn't want to put labels on the relationship.

Anyway, she broke up with me early November. During the break up conversation, I told her she's either all in or all out. She said due to things in her past she couldn't forgive herself for, she would have to be all out. Right after she said that, she told me "But at the same time I just want to move away and have you all to myself and live a happy life." What a CONFUSING girl... perhaps selfish too? She also said she just didn't know if I was the right guy for her.

It's been a couple months since we broke up. I went no contact for the first few weeks. I basically let her be the conversation starter. She texted me a couple separate times in which I responded. Since breaking up, we've hung out a few times. Each time she says it's amazing and she loves seeing me. She says she absolutely adores me and thinks the world of me. We always have a great time together. When we see each other, it's like we're dating again. She doesn't hesitate to kiss and hug me. She's since changed her story from "I'm not sure if you're the right guy" to "I just think I need this time to be single."

I guess she's been in steady relationships for about 10 years. Her idea of needing to be single is learning to rely on herself for things and not having that "go-to" person when times get hard. I understand... I think... Anyway, I'm 25, she's 24. Both in great careers. I'm totally ready to settle down and marry. She says she wishes she was. She says I'm a "forever person" and not just someone you have a fling with. I think maybe she's freaking out and running from her feelings for me? What she doesn't want to happen if we were to get married is ten years from now wishing she had experienced the single life. I don't get it but I'm simple minded.

Any ideas from here on out? Back off completely again? I'm not sure if I want to completely move on right now but I don't want to be used as a doorstep or convenient friend. I'm confident she has feelings for me which makes this whole thing harder. It's almost like she is constantly telling herself she wants to be single so she believes it but then when we see each other she wants to be with me.

Any and all help is greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long windedness of this. It's been cooped up in my mind for awhile.

[joypulv]

Very well expressed. She sounds Conflicted with a capital C. You've put up with more than most would, I think.

I wonder about is this past of hers that she can't forgive herself for - did you ask about it, or leave the door open for her to talk? I married young, left, and my ex committed suicide. That's just one event that made relationships difficult for me over the years.

Aside from that, I think there are many young people (women more so?) who don't know whether they want the traditional step by step progress from school, career, marriage, house, and children, or a longer single life because of all the failures they have seen. She sounds like she has a lot of that going on. She also may be someone who wants a man who pleads for commitment and marriage, despite her protests. That part is just a wild guess.

My advice is put her conflicting messages together, on paper, and ask her (in person, not texting) if she can please sort it all out for you. And if she can't make up her mind now you are going to have to go no contact permanently. Of course YOU have to want her before you ask her to commit or not. Maybe part of the problem when you asked her if she was all in or out was that you weren't proclaiming love - the desire to really be with her. I do notice that the word love hasn't been mentioned at all. You sound 'nice' but maybe a little lacking in heartfelt emotion? Correct me if I'm wrong.

[Downhiller67]

Thanks for the reply joypulv. As far as the past goes, I left the door open for her to talk. I figure once she is ready to tell me she will. Other than that one time, she hasn't mentioned anything about whatever this thing she can't forgive herself for.

I totally love this girl. Sorry I didn't put anything regarding love in the first post. I told her several months ago I love her and have expressed that love well to her both in my words and actions. I would do anything for her. Maybe she knows that which makes my constant availability a turn off?

[joypulv]

Being constantly available shouldn't be a turnoff to someone who isn't so confused.
I guess you might try being much more unavailable, and tell her why - it's more the pain you are going through than lack of love.

[Downhiller67]

I agree completely. Ill try backing way off. Do you think there is any validity to her needing to be single? I've heard several girls say similar things in relationships with friends and coworkers but have never experienced that myself.

[joypulv]

... validity? Are you asking do we think she means it, or does she have a valid concern? Yes, it's valid, if that's the right word for any of the countless choices we make about relationships. I'm 66 years old and 'need' to be single because I want to be and that to me is 'valid' even without explanation. (I am set in my ways and wouldn't be much fun for some poor guy. I get up at 4 am. I have to pee every 30 minutes and woe to the person using the bathroom when I have to go.) Etc etc etc.
Whatever her reasons are, that's what they are, and that makes them valid.