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skauffman · Dec 30, 2012, 02:24 PM

Okay, we are at our wits end on what to do and maybe, just maybe someone out there can give us a little help. We have a 24 year old daughter. This year we have noticed her behavior has changed dramatically. She was always one to come home. Now she rarely comes home. She never used to drink, now she is out as much as she can and drinks whatever.. we are not sure. In the past 6 months the following has happened--2 rear end colllisions, her fault, luckily no one filed any charges.. --she claims a man raped her --she claims someone gave her drugs that she thought was ibuprofin--and last but not least she got bit by a bug.. which turned into an extremely bad infection.
So here is our dilemma.. we would love to be able to communicate with her, but she only tells us what she wants and even that we do not know if it is the truth or not. We have told her we understand she wants to go out with her friends, but please text us where she is spending the night.. that does not happen anymore. We are very concerned about her personal hygene and do not know the people she is spending time with, even though we have asked to meet them. How do we get her to start talking to us, the truth or what do we do?

countrygalsrt · Dec 30, 2012, 02:55 PM

My mom and dad are having the same problem with my brother. He never listens to our parents! If you find a way to get her to talk to you let me know so I can tell my mom and dad and hopefully it will work with him!
(Good luck!)

Wondergirl · Dec 30, 2012, 03:47 PM

Does she live at home? Has she attended college? Does she have a full-time job, or, if not, where does she get the money to pay for her fun?

joypulv · Jan 2, 2013, 08:04 AM

The tough reality is that parents shouldn't support children under their own roof that long. She is suffering from the conflict of having it too easy and liking it, vs feeling like a failure for not being on her own and resenting the parental concerns over 'childish' things like meeting her friends. You need to bite the bullet and give her a written list of demands for what goes on if she wants to live with you, including paying for rent, food, and doing work around the house. If she needs counseling for rape, offer to pay for 3 sessions, directly to the therapist. (There's no way to sort out lies from truth.)

And if she refuses, you give her 30 days to leave - in writing.

Thirdtime · Jan 11, 2013, 11:43 PM

I understand that she's not staying home and she's staying by herself... so I think its OK to worry and do as best as we could for our children but there is always a line you cannot go beyond that is to dictate what is best for a 24 yr old daughter.
You had done you're part in her upbringing and you're still doing it asking her and showing your genuine concern.
I think that's all you could do... and you have no fault either!

dontknownuthin · Jan 12, 2013, 01:40 AM

A few things could be going on. She could have a drug addiction or alcoholism issue. The so-called infected bug bite - could it have been an infected track mark from a needle? Hard to know from what you've said.

Many mental illnesses first apper in earnest at about her age - early twenties. Her sporadic behavior, poor hygene, self-medicating with alcohol or drugs - those things could all be consistent with schizophrenia or other mental illness.

Given how the rest of her life is being managed her allegations of rape do not sound fabricated to me. I would assume that story is true.

All you can do is set boundaries for when she can and cannot come and what you will and will not do for her or give her. You might be able to use what she wants from you as leverage to get her to do what you want. For example, if she asks for money, make it conditional on going with you to see a counselor. She gets the money after she gets in the car and goes for a cooperative evaluation - or drug treatment or whatever you feel she needs to do.

If she is not respecting your boundaries be tough - she can't stay with you, can't have money, etc. Be consistent and firm but make clear to her, "I am here to support you when you are ready to do the right and responsible things for yourself but I will not finance and support your decision to self-destruct".

joypulv · Jan 12, 2013, 04:19 AM

(I had a bug bite that turned into cellulitis, a bacterial infection that gets in through the puncture. A rash spread quickly over my entire leg from ankle to top, front and back, and was scary. Oral antibiotics didn't work and I had to have them IV.)

Please come back and tell us what has changed, if anything!