A guy with passionate love for his best guy friend
I don't truly identify with conventional sexuality. Over the course of my 25 years living I have realized "sexuality" poses limits on Love; you would never give Love a chance if it's from a source you "shouldn't" be accepting based on societal convention. This is difficult but I know it to be true although I share this view with few people.
The reason I'm here is because I have fallen madly in love with my best friend and roommate. We have know each other for 4 years and went to school together. He's 2 years younger than me and practically my polar opposite but we mesh incredibly well. I've had intense feelings for 3 years but even initially there was attraction between us. Although he tries to be very serious and professional I've seen such wonderful sides of him. I can tell he has suffered and is guarded and I genuinely care for him dearly. He feels the same way but goes in and out of showing it. I have an extensive background in Psychology and my intuition is uncanny so I pick up on nonverbal cues, body language etc. he gazes at me often when we're around each other and I could truly stare at him for hours. We share looks that linger and his smile says so much that I feel he's afraid to.
He's an only child in a conservative family and I know homosexuality terrifies him, but he has been suffering a lot lately and just keeps away in his room. It devastates me because often I just want to see him, talk to him, tell him about my day and hear about his. But he is too proud to need anyone even though it stings. Our only encounter was a long passionate hug. I know, it sounds silly, but we had a few drinks and be told me he loved me, which I have confided in him before and he says it makes him uncomfortable when I say things like that. After he said he loved me and I was his best friend we hugged and held each other so tightly! And we slowly pulled away, feeling and hearing our breath, our cheeks rubbed together and we looked at each other and then I don't really remember until morning. He's suspected my feelings but I told him I wasn't gay because he's the only guy I've ever felt this passionately. And I can't seem to let it go because I've know. Him long enough and what I see is he's afraid of who he is so he smothers it in alcohol sometimes and sex with girls. This truly devastates me when it happens. I love him so dearly and want what's best for him with pure intentions and he gives himself away to strangers. My heart sinks when he comes home and I hear two voices and they make their way to his room. We're closer with each other than any of our other friends and I am not imagining his affection, he's told me but I suspect it's stronger because he distances himself from me occasionally which hurts me terribly. I love him unconditionally which is why I'm not forcing anything and am giving him space to figure himself out. But he is often miserable chasing other gratifications and I hate to see him that way. Sometimes I distance myself too after he sleeps with a girl. And the next day when I'm away he checks up because I feel he knows what it does to me. So I'm not asking how to change anyone but myself. How do I cope with the terror of abandonment and my passion for someone who wants to reciprocate but is afraid and may not know how?
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