[Asterisk]

I don't truly identify with conventional sexuality. Over the course of my 25 years living I have realized "sexuality" poses limits on Love; you would never give Love a chance if it's from a source you "shouldn't" be accepting based on societal convention. This is difficult but I know it to be true although I share this view with few people.
The reason I'm here is because I have fallen madly in love with my best friend and roommate. We have know each other for 4 years and went to school together. He's 2 years younger than me and practically my polar opposite but we mesh incredibly well. I've had intense feelings for 3 years but even initially there was attraction between us. Although he tries to be very serious and professional I've seen such wonderful sides of him. I can tell he has suffered and is guarded and I genuinely care for him dearly. He feels the same way but goes in and out of showing it. I have an extensive background in Psychology and my intuition is uncanny so I pick up on nonverbal cues, body language etc. he gazes at me often when we're around each other and I could truly stare at him for hours. We share looks that linger and his smile says so much that I feel he's afraid to.
He's an only child in a conservative family and I know homosexuality terrifies him, but he has been suffering a lot lately and just keeps away in his room. It devastates me because often I just want to see him, talk to him, tell him about my day and hear about his. But he is too proud to need anyone even though it stings. Our only encounter was a long passionate hug. I know, it sounds silly, but we had a few drinks and be told me he loved me, which I have confided in him before and he says it makes him uncomfortable when I say things like that. After he said he loved me and I was his best friend we hugged and held each other so tightly! And we slowly pulled away, feeling and hearing our breath, our cheeks rubbed together and we looked at each other and then I don't really remember until morning. He's suspected my feelings but I told him I wasn't gay because he's the only guy I've ever felt this passionately. And I can't seem to let it go because I've know. Him long enough and what I see is he's afraid of who he is so he smothers it in alcohol sometimes and sex with girls. This truly devastates me when it happens. I love him so dearly and want what's best for him with pure intentions and he gives himself away to strangers. My heart sinks when he comes home and I hear two voices and they make their way to his room. We're closer with each other than any of our other friends and I am not imagining his affection, he's told me but I suspect it's stronger because he distances himself from me occasionally which hurts me terribly. I love him unconditionally which is why I'm not forcing anything and am giving him space to figure himself out. But he is often miserable chasing other gratifications and I hate to see him that way. Sometimes I distance myself too after he sleeps with a girl. And the next day when I'm away he checks up because I feel he knows what it does to me. So I'm not asking how to change anyone but myself. How do I cope with the terror of abandonment and my passion for someone who wants to reciprocate but is afraid and may not know how?

[dontknownuthin]

Well, the difficulty with not defining love in conventional ways is that it leaves the other person more vulnerable because they don't know where they stand, especially if they are still figuring out their own feelings and sexuality. I think the word for not defining your sexuality is bisexual, if you mean that you have been attracted to women and are now also attracted so passionately to a man.

I think you need to have a more open conversation with him and make clear that it is a passionate attraction and love that you feel in a romantic sense, and not just roomates and best friends. If he is not on the same page, one of you needs to move out because it is then really unhealthy for either of you.

Also be careful of your psychological knowledge. There's a reason psychologists don't treat themselves - total lack of objectivity. You could be projecting a lot onto this man without even realizing how much of a role your wishful thinking might be playing, so check the psychoanalysis at the door and replace it with candid conversation. If you open up about not really identifying yourself as gay, but having these overwhelming feelings for him, perhaps he will feel he can do the same. Don't fool yourself, though, into thinking you already know what he thinks and feels.

[Oliver2011]

Wow man. There is a lot going on there. I do agree with dontknownuthin - you need to be careful with this one.

First you sound like you are on the verge of smothering him even if it is just staring at him for hours. No matter what the relationship is, smothering is not healthy. You need friends, he needs friends, you need stuff to do, he needs stuff to do, etc. You take your space and he needs his. Your jealousy is concerning. I agree that if you really want to find peace in this you don't need to live with him anymore.

Second - what if he says "Fine, I will be a homosexual for you." Are you ready for this? I didn't see that in anything you posted. I don't know if he is prepared for that but are you? Once you go down that path it will bring a ton more emotions and thoughts and feelings.

I am gay and was dating 4 incredible guys at one time. But one I didn't want to lose so I gave up the physical relationships with the 3 other ones so I could have a rewarding relationship with the one I really wanted. Sometimes making tough decisions is the best thing for us. But honestly you need to decide who you are first and be comfortable with that first.

Good luck!