[SimplyConfused2]

My boyfriend (23) and I (24) have been dating for almost a year (it'll be a year on the 1st), and we both love each other very much. I still get excited to come home to see him and enjoy spending as much time with him as possible. The problem is that he seems incredibly unhappy as of late.

I know that he dislikes his job. He works as a cook, and the hours aren't very constant. I'm sure he feels like he can do better. But he's planning on getting his CDL so he can eventually get a more stable and permanent job in the future. I hate my job as well, but I realize it's something I need for now to pay the bills.

Problem two, is that I moved about 2000 miles to be with him and to follow my dreams. But since moving, I haven't been able to really do much of the dreaming as the bills keep coming in. I'm also finding it very difficult to find friends up (who knew it'd be so difficult after college to bond), so most of my free time is spent with my boyfriend. I know this gets stressful for him because he feels he has no free time and it probably seems like I'm smothering him. I totally get that, so I'm trying to give him space and see what happens.

The last problem is that he's got an 8 year old daughter who he barely sees. The baby-mama is a bit vindictive and uses the daughter as a chess piece (at least it seems that way to me). I've never met the daughter and I've only had a minor interaction with the baby-mama. However, about a week ago, the baby-mama told my boyfriend that she went to the doctor and was told she has a year to live due to hepatitis. If she dies, my boyfriend would get sole custody. I don't think he's ready for that as he doesn't feel he and his daughter are as close as they should be. I know he's trying to get his life together if this should happen, but I'm sure he's very stressed and freaked out because of this rather sudden news.

I'm really trying to be patient and understanding. It's a lot to take in. But he's so unhappy and I don't know what to do. He barely talks to me, and when he's upset, he'd rather go drinking (and get faced) with his friends than talk or hang out with me. He's definitely the type to keep his feelings in and not want to talk, but it bugs me that he always seems like he's in a terrible mood and our communication has slowly dissolved. I don't want our relationship to end, but I get a bad feeling it's headed towards just that. Any advice would be helpful!

[maryanne44]

Try not to throw too much on him at once. Keep things simple. If you do not want to smother him be okay with doing things just the two of you. Let him know you are there to help if he needs it and that you are there to listen or give avice if he needs and wants it. He has a lot going on, I think being there for him and some type of space is the best thing. Allow him to sort through his head and maybe make things better with his daughter. This doesn't mean it has to end, just hang in there and let him know you are there if he needs it. Maybe try planning something he enjoys for one night, if he wants. All you can do is try at this point, don't force him or put anymore pressure on his plate than he already has. Maybe you can take this time to focus a little more on pursuing your dreams, when you have the time.

[backpack2389]

I don't know that there's much you can do about his daughter or the girl's mother. That situation is out of your control.

If you feel like you're smothering him and you want to make friends, I suggest you find a group or class or something you enjoy doing maybe once a week. You'll give him some time to himself and you'll get to spend time with some like-minded people that you could make friends with.

From your description, it sounds like your boyfriend might be feeling a little depressed with his personal life being rocky and work being so demanding. One thing I might suggest to help him relieve stress, elevate his mood and boost his energy level is regular exercise. It's a simple suggestion, but can do a lot to help. If he's not interested or already does that, then maybe he could talk to his doctor about antidepressants. A minimum 10mg dose of fluoxetine can do a lot to improve mood. Once he gets through this rough patch, he could quit taking it.

Along with each of you having some personal time, it could be nice for you two to have a specific time you spend together doing something. If you're always busy and tired, it can be difficult to have meaningful, positive interactions. You might need to schedule time for this and put effort into making those good interactions happen. Good luck!

[slapshot_oi]

There is no indication of a rocky relationship. Your boyfriend just has a lot of stressors in his life, none of which stem from you, and he doesn't know how to end them or when. That will drive anyone nuts.

I recommend you keep a distance and let him fight this battle on his own. If he asks for your help, then provide it. Until then, don't worry, because this is not your problem. Although you two are living together and are a team, there still is an element of individuality in a relationship and that must be respected.

Clearly, you take initiative and can see issues before they become serious problems. This is all natural, you have nothing to worry about.