[thoughtinew]

I was very depressed at the time and had no family support. I considered adoption. I called a few agencies and decided to go with a child's waiting. I told them that I was interested in foster care and they told me that if I didn't put the baby (1year old) up for adoption then I would have to pay the fees for her being in foster care. They suggested that I sign away my rights so that they would be able to place her immediately instead of her moving from house to house. They told me that they would let me know when the court date was... that never happened. So, within 6 months I wanted to submit paper work to go against the adoption and I didn't know where to send the paperwork. My child was taken out of town and the paperwork was done out of town. I was very afraid to submit paperwork, anyway. Because I thought that if the adoption had gone through and I didn't get my baby back that I wouldn't see her , again. I felt that if I fought the adoption in the beginning that the adoptive family would never let me see my child. I have 3 other children who miss their sister. I have felt that I have had a blessed situation with the open adoption and the family. But, I noticed that I am not welcomed to their (my child's) home. But, they are welcoming my kids. This is starting to be hard on my kids because they don't understand why I am not able to join them with visits to my youngest child. I have become anxious because my daughter was talking on the phone with my now almost 2 year old baby and she (my baby) asked to speak to me and her new mom took the phone away from her. Now I'm thinking that maybe I was overreacting. On my first and only visit to my baby's house I was bothered by the distance my baby's mom had with her. She would say OK you can get away now. My daughter was very clingy. And, most recently my baby's new mom has told me that she (my baby) had been saying my name over and over again. I have always thought that I had a really good situation because I know where my baby is and like her new parents. But, I am always reminded of how I don't have the resources to even have the children to visit with their sister. And, her mom ( baby's mom) stated (so arragantly) that she hasn't had anything planned for my baby's birthday... and now she has a perty planned on the day that my othere children were to visit. I was even more bothered when my baby's new mom hired a aupair to take care of my one child and the new mom and dad's only child. I still think that I am lucky. Especially, since I am able to get pictures and hear about my child's life. It just seems that my face is being rubbed in the mud because I am financially less off than her new parents. And, with my baby asking to speak with me and her new mom taking the phone my immagination ran wild. I was feeling that she may be abused and because her new mom constantly said she like my baby's but and hips. She also mentioned this while my children where at their house visiting. Thanks for all of your advice. You have made me feel better, especially the one who placed her baby for adoption 15 years ago...

[Synnen]

Okay, honey... that sounds a bit like coercion. The bit about talking you into signing away your rights so that your baby wouldn't be shuffled from house to house (as if that really happens to such small children!) especially sounds like they were talking you into it for THEIR interests, and not yours or the child's.

Sadly... the situation that you have with your child's new mom is what so many birthmothers face with the adoptive parents. They say anything to get your child, then once they have her, they do everything they can to discourage you from being a huge part of the child's life. This is not to say that EVERY case is like that, but too many are :(

You really really need to see a counselor that specializes in adoption, and talk to a lawyer. I'm not really sure what legally can be submitted for coercion, but you can bet your bottom dollar that they have documentation that doesn't say what you are saying, regardless of the truth of the situation.

My heart goes out to you. Please... please see someone who is licensed to help you deal with all of this. I'm not sure where you are, but in the US, there are places that will help on a sliding pay scale, so that you can find a way to afford it. Whatever you do... do NOT go back to the adoption agency for counseling. They are not on your side, and they're not going to give you adequate counseling.

Much love and many hugs,
Synn