[muffin55]

I have a friend I've known since middle school (we are 28 now) who I've often turned to for comfort after a breakup. She recently went through a breakup and upon telling me I immediately set up a night for her, me, and good mutual friend to get together for her sake. We went to dinner and she chose not to talk about the ex. We then went for coffee and she talked about him a little. Coffee shop closed and I said I was still up for hanging out and was in no rush.

Friends suggested a place 30 minutes away which was not a problem in and of itself- but it was late Friday and I was tired, knowing we would hang out 1-2 hours at least and I would have an hour drive home afterwards. I was exhausted and should have excused myself at that point. I told them jokingly, “yeah we can go hang out there but I might doze off and wake up again!”. So we started down the road, but after 1-2 minutes I called them both and explained that I was exhausted and wouldn't be able to muster the drive that night home- and explicitly told my friend I still wanted to talk to her/see her/hang out with her

She ignored me after that and found out she was hurt/angry that I “took off at her low point, it wasn't enough that I did for her, she's been there for me, I would be upset if she did it to me, if I was tired I shouldn't have planned it on that day, etc”.

I am extremely angry at her. I planned the night, spent time at dinner and coffee with her, and wanted to get rest to finally spend time with my mom the next day who is recovering from cancer. I told her “please don't tell me what I would have felt, you have hurt me a lot by what you said, I believed I was being a supportive friend and I did my best... I know you're hurting but I have things going on in my life [mentioned seeing my mom the next day], I will not allow you to take your feelings out on me, if you hold me accountable to return everything you've done for me in the same way no matter what the circumstances are in my life you are not realistic, I can't believe you said I should have planned it for a night I wouldn't have been tired as if I can control that, I feel taken for granted by you as a friend and this is not the first time, and I will not continue this conversation with you”.

By the way- she doesn't even know I have mild insomnia and take sleep aids 3 x a week just to get through the work days, and she calls me out for being tired? Without even finding out more first? She hurt me bad in college as well and I'm not really sure I care to continue a relationship with her.

We have some mutual friends which may make it awkward, but she has no right to call me out after I deliberately took time to see her and went home when I needed to in order to spend time with my sick mom who is my PRIORITY over he r. She acts as if she in high school still. Ive started to stick up for myself more when people do things like this so I'm not nervous I said what I did to her.

What is your opinion of this situation?

[dontknownuthin]

Well, it's a little late to tell you this but I think you said too much, too soon. I think you should have just bowed out gracefully as soon as you realized it was time to go home. If she was upset, I'd have called her a day or two later and said, "Listen, I know you were upset. It's not that I don't care, but I've had some things going on that I've not really talked about with you. With all that's been going on with my mom, I got into a cycle of insomnia, and I just started using some medication to treat it. It worked a little too well and I was getting nervous about driving if I didn't get home soon. I agreed at first because I wanted to, but once I started driving to the next place, I realized I was struggling to stay awake and focus on the road, and I just had to go home. I hope you understand." If she doesn't, then it would be appropriate to tell her, "I planned an evening to support you because I care. I need you to care about me, too. This hasn't been an easy time for me and my family, either, and it all caught up with me. I'm sorry it hurt your feelings, but I've done nothing wrong. Call me when you're done being angry."

Then the ball is in her court, and you just go on with your life.