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    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #1

    Oct 27, 2012, 08:02 AM
    4 guys too many??
    Okay I've written this 4 times now and each time I feel more and more like a tramp. I am seeing 4 guys at the moment. Two of them want me to be exclusive completely. They all know each other in some form but don't know each other well enough to talk about these things. I am in my mid 40s and in very good shape. First there was:

    Ryan. He's 21. He is very straight acting and not out to anyone. He doesn't want a dating relationship so mostly it is just sex. We met when he was 19 at a sporting event and we started our physical relationship about 3 months after meeting. We do tons of stuff together and my friends always ask if "the boy" is coming along. Nobody suspects that we are sexual. Then there's:

    Adam. Adam is 32 and we work together. I first met him about 2 years ago and he is just drop dead gorgeous. He has the perfect body and is just incredibly nice and fun to be with. Adam wants to be exclusive and truly it is the only thing we argue about. Adam is in closet too. Our work took him to Hawaii for the last two weeks and not being around him hasn't been fun. He is coming back home today though. Yea for me. Then there's:

    Josh. Josh is also 32 and has a smile that would just melt you as it does me. Josh wants to be exclusive. Josh is a very sweet person but we probably have less in common compared to the others. But wow is he passionate. I've only known Josh a year or so. He's not out either. Then there's:

    Sean. Sean is a bartender, almost 27, and probably one of the nicest persons I know. I met him in March and we have been together a few times. He smokes though and I honestly cannot tolerate smoking so he's trying to quit. He isn't into sports but we have many other things in common. We actually had our first argument Wednesday night. Nothing big and he apologized later that evening.

    One time I was at the bar with Adam and Josh was there with his friends and Ryan showed up. Then another time I was there with Josh and Adam was there with work people and Ryan showed up. UGH. This juggling is not good. I actually have to use my calendar on my smart phone so I don't forget who I am going to be with that night. I have a friend in Maryland who I update and he always calls me a tramp.

    Why can't someone love 4 people at once? Sorry this is so long.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #2

    Oct 27, 2012, 10:36 AM
    Oliver, I don't think you are a tramp. I do think you are confused about what you want and what you need in a relationship.

    Open relationships and loving more than one person is okay as long as everyone involved knows what is going on and agrees. In your case, however, at least two of the gentlemen want more than you seem to be able to give them. The current standings are not fair to them. They deserve to find happiness with someone who wants the same depth of commitment they do.

    I think you need to take some time and distance yourself from all four relationships to think about what you really want in a partner and relationship. What do you want?

    Each of these males has some great qualities. The relationships seem to have aspects you like. If you gave yourself a chance do you think you could find one person with most of the traits you like best and work with him to build a satisfying relationship?
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #3

    Oct 27, 2012, 11:49 AM
    I agree with cat! I would just like to add that I don't see this ending well. I see hurt in the future. Not only for them, but you as well.

    I know you ask why can't you love four people at once, but what if THEY only want one, meaning you?

    I think that you need to take a step back and reassess the situation. Really figure out who it is that you want to be with. OR let all of them know about each other, so they can make that decision. It's only fair...

    Does that make sense?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,303, Reputation: 10854
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    #4

    Oct 27, 2012, 01:08 PM
    Never assume guys don't know each other, and you can love as many people as you want because you are single and free. I question the honesty though, and your seeming to be the player. Maybe you all are players, I don't know, but its what you think of yourself that counts.

    One persons tramp, is another persons freeloving soul, and discretion and regular testing go with he territory, playa.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #5

    Oct 28, 2012, 07:12 AM
    Gracias for the replies.

    Cat - That is all well and fine assuming I want a relationship. Ryan and I took a 3 month break about 1.5 years ago. Both of us hated that time. I don't want a break from any of them.

    Enigma - I don't see hurt at all. Well maybe for them but not for me. I am really well adjusted meaning if one of them decides that they don't want me in their life anymore, then I accept that. I only control the things I can control and accept the things that I can't.

    Talaniman - Not a player at all. With each of them sex is only one part of the relationship. I spend time with each of them doing many other things.

    Adam got home last night. If I am ever forced to pick one it would be Adam because he is amazing in so many ways. Ryan and Adam both have keys to my place. That can be sometimes hard to manage.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #6

    Oct 28, 2012, 08:30 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver2011 View Post
    Gracias for the replies.

    Cat - That is all well and fine assuming I want a relationship. Ryan and I took a 3 month break about 1.5 years ago. Both of us hated that time. I don't want a break from any of them.

    Enigma - I don't see hurt at all. Well maybe for them but not for me. I am really well adjusted meaning if one of them decides that they don't want me in their life anymore, then I accept that. I only control the things I can control and accept the things that I can't.

    Talaniman - Not a player at all. With each of them sex is only one part of the relationship. I spend time with each of them doing many other things.

    Adam got home last night. If I am ever forced to pick one it would be Adam because he is amazing in so many ways. Ryan and Adam both have keys to my place. That can be sometimes hard to manage.
    Oliver, this may seem harsh. It is meant to get you to think, not to judge you or your lifestyle.

    1. What I was saying is that you need to decide if you want a relationship or not. If you don't, then stop playing games with the men who do. Date people who aren't looking for a committed relationship.

    2. Does it matter to you if your friends get hurt? As long as you don't get hurt, their feelings shouldn't impact your life? You can control whether you hurt them.

    3. Are you certain you aren't a player? You don't see yourself as using them to meet your needs (non-sexual as well as sexual)?

    4. Do they know how many other people you are seeing? How honest have you been with them? Have you given any of them even the slightest indications you might want to settle down with them?

    Be honest with yourself in answering these questions: Why are you here asking about your relationships? What are you looking for in the answers?
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #7

    Oct 28, 2012, 09:44 AM
    Cat - I've never found you to be harsh. Direct yes, and that is not a bad thing.

    1) Adam and I just started talking (arguing) about the exclusiveness recently, probably September or August maybe. I knew it was coming up since he is at my place so much anymore. When he brought it up the first time I put up a wall which he was well aware of. I should say I am not big on expressing my feelings with any of them. If Adam pushes me into a decision, then I am really going to have to think about this more.
    2) I would never purposely hurt any of these guys and I've been honest about what I want. Ryan knew about the Nick situation last year and his immediate response was "You cheated on me?" That made me take a step back and I was shocked at his response. But he's 21 - there's no future there.
    3) I don't think I am using them at all. I was friends with all of them before anything sexual happened.
    4) Sean probably knows since he has seen me with all of them. But my friendship with Sean is very new so a lot of talking about deep stuff doesn't happen. In fact Adam and I are watching the Cowboy game where Sean is bartending. So it might be a little awkward now that I've been with Sean. That is if Adam can break away from surfing since the waves are so big today.

    I am asking because I know this whole situation is WEIRD and I feel weird not wanting a relationship. I think I am on here talking about it because Adam is bringing it up.
    greentree30's Avatar
    greentree30 Posts: 143, Reputation: 28
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    #8

    Oct 29, 2012, 11:08 AM
    Oliver,
    When I first read your post my immediate reaction was ''pick Adam!" It sounds like you are into him the most, and have a deeper connection with him. But in your last post you said you don't want a relationship. I wouldn't say that's weird, but I would think there has to be a reason behind that. Maybe you just genuinely don't want to be tied down, like someone said "you're a free spirit". But also the reason could be that you don't want to get hurt, or commitment scares you. Or you had bad experiences in the past?
    This is just my opinion, but I've always felt like a committed relationship is way more fulfilling than just dating. I think dating is fun, but after a while I always want something more meaningful. Especially when I meet someone I really fall for.
    So if you've really fallen for one of these guys more than the others (possibly Adam), why don't you want to just focus on him? I think being with one person makes the connection much deeper.
    Is dating multiple people a way to protect yourself? So if one or two of them don't work out you still have others? But I think you could be missing out by doing this, because eventually the ones that want to be exclusive are going to leave. So you never truly get a chance with the ones that could be more meaningful. You end up only with the others that want to casually date around too.

    Have you ever had a long term committed relationship? If so, what did you like or dislike about it?
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #9

    Oct 29, 2012, 11:33 AM
    Greentree - thank you for your reply.

    It is probably a combination of all those things if I really had to think about it. I was married for many years so that came to an end. Yes she does know and we are still very close. She was texting me all during my Cowboys losing yesterday.

    Adam is incredible but I honestly hope he doesn't push me into making a decision like that. I've been with Ryan for three years. We are spending the Thursday through Sunday together this coming weekend. Ryan is a planner and he likes things planned. Plus he lives about an hour away so it is a small chore for him to come over. If I decided to go exclusive with Adam then he would be crushed by that and I am trying to not do that. I don't think Josh would be crushed because he is a free spirit like me. Sean and I are just getting to know each other. UGH last night he was different because I was with Adam. I need to find a new place to hang out.

    I don't know that I believe in relationships anymore because they seem to always go away.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #10

    Nov 16, 2012, 01:28 AM
    I found this question late, and only started looking because of a post you made on another thread.

    Oliver your last post is the most telling of all. I think you're having all these relationships because you don't want to hurt any of these guys. I don't think this is a commitment issue, I don't think anyone could read your posts and not see that Adam is the one you really want to be with. I think you're in this love triangle because you really just don't want anyone to be hurt.

    I've been there, albeit it many years ago. I will admit that when I was younger I was a tramp. Having said that, I was also a lot like you, I hated to hurt anyone.

    At one point, when I was 18, I was dating 5 different guys. I didn't even like all of them, but they asked me out, I couldn't say no, and before I knew it I was in a relationship with every one of them. One night I went to the bar where I met every single one of them. Well, they all showed up that night.

    Long story short, I ended up doing something stupid with one of them, another one found out, a third one found out, the forth found out and didn't take it well, and I ened up with a very nasty scar, and another beat the crap out of me. All in all, it didn't end well, but it was a lesson I had to learn.

    You can't play with people's hearts, even if you're trying to spare them. The thing is, until you're honest with yourself, and them, they will get hurt, and you may as well. I just hope that you avoid the scar and the beating, and learn from my mistakes in a way that will spare you and the guys you're involved with.

    Pick one. If I had to choose, based on what you wrote, I'd go with Adam. But it's up to you. :)
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,305, Reputation: 7692
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    #11

    Nov 16, 2012, 02:06 AM
    It is all in what you want. A open relationship is fine, if all parties understand it is that. You will at some point hurt or break up with one or more, since open relationships are just that. Open to start, open to end at any time, with reason or with no reason just moving on.

    In a issue like this, you can not give yourself completely and fully to any one of them. As you can not get a full relationship in return. Often it is several friends with benefit relationships.

    But if all of them know you are seeing others, then there is nothing wrong with it,

    It all depends on what you want. If you want a more serious relationship perhaps go to two, that have the most promise or the one best with the other being the best sexual, if that is what is floating your boat right now.

    Often the others will want more and at some point break up if they are not moving in that direction.

    So the choice is yours ( and theirs) as to where this goes.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #12

    Nov 16, 2012, 06:55 AM
    Alty and Fr Chuck,

    Thank you for your reply. Alty - I love my pets!!

    A lot has changed since I posted that post. I have decided to be with Adam. He is incredible and the thought of losing him just didn't sit well with me at all.

    As far as the other three - Last Sunday Josh and I went out to watch football and we decided to be just friends. He is very nice and just has the best smile in Florida but we weren't really that compatible.

    I told Sean last night and we had a big fight about it. Actually he did the fighting. I don't really ever fight. He is trying to get this job which is about 90 minutes away so where would I be then? He is lonely because he hasn't met anyone else but me since he moved here this year.

    Here is the hard part. I am telling Ryan tomorrow. That is going to suck. Even though he is very young we have been together a long time. I was his first and he doesn't meet other guys. But he works at Disney World so he should be able to meet someone else since most of that population is like us. It is just going to be dang hard hurting him.

    But my heart belongs to Adam. It is going to be weird seeing him all the time at home and seeing him at work too. We have decided to do this without him moving in yet. That will happen in time. Thank you all for your replies.

    UGH - relationships!!
    greentree30's Avatar
    greentree30 Posts: 143, Reputation: 28
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    #13

    Nov 16, 2012, 09:08 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver2011 View Post
    Alty and Fr Chuck,

    Thank you for your reply. Alty - I love my pets!!!

    A lot has changed since I posted that post. I have decided to be with Adam. He is incredible and the thought of losing him just didn't sit well with me at all.

    As far as the other three - Last Sunday Josh and I went out to watch football and we decided to be just friends. He is very nice and just has the best smile in Florida but we weren't really that compatible.

    I told Sean last night and we had a big fight about it. Actually he did the fighting. I don't really ever fight. He is trying to get this job which is about 90 minutes away so where would I be then? He is lonely because he hasn't met anyone else but me since he moved here this year.

    Here is the hard part. I am telling Ryan tomorrow. That is going to suck. Even though he is very young we have been together a long time. I was his first and he doesn't meet other guys. But he works at Disney World so he should be able to meet someone else since most of that population is like us. It is just going to be dang hard hurting him.

    But my heart belongs to Adam. It is going to be weird seeing him all the time at home and seeing him at work too. We have decided to do this without him moving in yet. That will happen in time. Thank you all for your replies.

    UGH - relationships!!!!
    I just have to chime in. Yay Oliver! You're making a big step and change in your life but I really think you'll be happy with your decision in the long run! I understand how relationships can be scary, BUT it's so worth it when you're in love. Dating around is all good, but when you fall for someone hard and devote yourself to them you get so much more out of it.
    Also, I like that you're taking it slow (less scary that way). I feel silly saying this but I'm proud of you! ;-)

    Good luck! And please keep us updated. :-]
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #14

    Nov 16, 2012, 10:52 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by greentree30 View Post
    I just have to chime in. Yay Oliver!! You're making a big step and change in your life but I really think you'll be happy with your decision in the long run! I understand how relationships can be scary, BUT it's so worth it when you're in love. Dating around is all good, but when you fall for someone hard and devote yourself to them you get so much more out of it.
    Also, I like that you're taking it slow (less scary that way). I feel silly saying this but I'm proud of you! ;-)

    Good luck! And please keep us updated. :-]
    Thank you Greentree.

    Scary - YES! Paranoid - YES! Sometimes I feel that beginning a relationship is the beginning that will lead to the end. That may seem stupid but it is just the way I think. By the way I've told him all this and we have talked about everything. The cool thing is Adam and I aren't going to change the things we do (Adam surfing and me tennis, racquetball, and golf).

    Ryan and I are playing poker tomorrow afternoon with my friends who all know Ryan. I am telling him after that. Adam surfs all day on Saturdays and Sunday mornings so he won't be around until the evening. I hope Ryan still wants to hang out with my friends - I think he will after he gets over it.

    Funny thing at work on Wednesday. I flew back from Phoenix and came into work. I saw Adam and called him babe AT WORK. I was cringed and he broke out laughing. I eventually laughed too.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #15

    Nov 16, 2012, 12:04 PM
    Sounds like you're getting everything in order, and it sounds like you're very happy about the decision you've made. I'm happy for you. I think Adam is the right choice.

    Telling Ryan will be hard, but you're doing the right thing. Now he'll be free to meet someone else, someone that wants the same things he wants. He may not see it that way tomorrow, but eventually I'm sure he'll realize that what you did is for the best.

    Good luck tomorrow. Chin up and stay strong. :)

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