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Devoted732 · Mar 11, 2007, 07:06 PM

I am dating someone that I believe has Commitment Phobia. He knows that he has commitment issues and knows that he has to work on them. I just received the whole, "we should slow things down" phrase right when he told me that his feelings were very very strong and that he likes me more than a lot... he's confused and scared.. those are his words. Is there any way to get a commitment phobic person to realize their feelings and try to overcome the phobia?:confused:

manimuth · Mar 12, 2007, 08:29 AM

If you love him (and know that he cares about you), then be understanding. Help him work through his feelings. Find out why he has this phobia? Was it something in the past? Be reassuring. Don't push him too hard. Ask him what you can do to help him. If it is a problem beyond what you can do, then encourage him to seek a counselor. I think the most important things to remember when being with someone who is afraid to commit is not to smother or push or bug too much. Remember that it is still NOT OK for him to pursue someone else while he is with you. That is the one thing that you should let him know that you can't compromise on. But, other than that, if he wants to slow down, then slow it down. Be patient and understanding.

Devoted732 · Mar 12, 2007, 09:14 AM

Hi.. thanks for the advice. I wrote another post in relationships regarding this issue. I am going to repost it here... and please tell me what you think! This should explain more in detail.
I really need advice. I have been seeing this guy for 2 months. A brief history about him... he's 26.. (I am 29).. he has his own company in which he is busy a lot, has some anxiety, his mother has been divorced a number of times, and he used to drink a lot but now has been sober for 2 years and attends regular AA meetings. The two months of this relationship have been wonderful. Things did move fast... We met and right after that were texting all the time (mostly him texting me), spoke a lot at night (once again, him calling me) and hung out a lot... He always wanted to see me and be around me. Would tell me that he's attached, catching feelings, etc... Finally he asked me to be his girlfriend. I accepted and things were great! We get along great.. no arguments.. he is a cuddler... wanting me to be happy. I have heard from his friends how happy he is with me... and he has told my friends that he is happy and hopes I am... Tells me that his feelings are strong and he feels close and attached but not ready to use the L word yet... He has a fear of using that word. Has never said it and meant it, so when he does use it, it's going to mean a lot...

Well... we had a slight mishap. He had an exgirlfriend that he broke up with for me that has been constantly calling him... I told him how I felt about that and he said that he would stop the communication. Well, the other day I slept at his house and had to wake up early for work. My cell phone was dead so I used his to send myself a reminder about something so I wouldn't forget. I went into his inbox to send a reply to myself since there are a million texts from me... and saw a text from her in there. Well, I was curious and I looked and did not like what I saw. Apparently, there were texts going back and forth. He would tell her that he missed her, wanted to see her... etc... Well, with that, I got upset and confronted him about it. I told him that he could have her... and Well, what he said was he got confused and scared about the way he felt about me. And when he told me he was on the phone with his friend for 2 hours, they were talking about his commitment issues and how he feels close to someone and then gets scared and pulls away... and he then decided everything with that other girl was going to end because he wanted to see where our relationship went. He was upset at the fact that I looked through his phone and I told him that I did not do that deliberately... which he is trusting me on.. but nonetheless upset. I told him I was upset at the fact he told me he wasn't going to talk to her and did...

After all this, we spoke and things were OK. We had a great night on Friday. Hung out just the two of us... watched movies, had pizza... and went to sleep... The next day was great too... woke up, fooled around, he wanted me to come back early so we could go to dinner and watch TV and cuddle... I said OK... then we left and everything was A-ok.

Well, later yesterday I got a text from him that said, "I have been thinking a lot and think we need to slow down. I need to straighten out a few things"... With that I called him and I went to see him last night. We spoke again about slowing things down. He said he didn't want to lose me in his life and knows that he has commitment issues... and he is stressed with his job.. He said that he felt things were going fast... that he liked me more than a lot but was unsure... like if he wanted a girlfriend, if he didn't... but didn't want to lose me. He wants to still see me. Of course I got upset and cried and said how could I still see u? Well after speaking I told him that it was OK to slow things down but that I wanted to continue the relationship... we would just take things at a slower pace. He was OK with this. We then went out to dinner and had a great time and cuddled and watched movies and went to sleep. This morning he wanted me to stay... Wanted me to relax with him and watch some TV and order food. I told him that I had to go home to do stuff. I wanted him to have his alone time, so I left. He then told me to call him later... and I said OK... before I left, I told him once again I was OK with the slowing things down and everything as long as we still were going out... and he said good... I told him to stop thinking and just enjoy everything...

Now.. the thing is... I'm scared... I am head over heels crazy about this guy... I don't understand the commitment thing and the being scared stuff... I mean, I do, but not fully... I'm also unsure about what I should do at this stand point. I do not want to lose him and the relationship. I have not been this happy since sliced bread lol... Do I not call him back when he calls and give space? Do I not call him first? Do I not always make myself available and let him pursue me so he could see what it is he is missing? I was always staying there a lot and going to see him every time he wanted. Is it possible to rewind a little slowly? Please.. any advice someone has would be great.. I need all I can get. He did tell me that he loves having me in his life.. doesn't want to lose me.. and thinks I'm a good catch.. thinks I would be good in the future... Please help!

valinors_sorrow · Mar 12, 2007, 09:47 AM

Devoted, you are rushing all this. You met him in the beginning of January, have posted four threads here about him under Relationship and now his "self described" commitment issues has turned into a phobia that you posted in the Mental Health section. It is not a phobia. The man is clearly capable of being involved with people and is slower than you would like. The definition of phobia is much more specific than that.

You would be far better served by looking at how much scrutiny this poor two-month-old dating arrangement is taking from you and what that is about. People don't usually do that, you know? You aren't going to be able to solve your insecurity issues by making him solve his commitment issues. I am sorry dear, but it simply doesn't work that way. He has power of him and you have power over you. Maybe you need to look at you first in this and solve whatever it is that is driving you so relentlessly in this instead. That is within your ability. I realise this is probably not the answer you were looking for but it's the kindest truth I know to offer here. I wish you well in this.

Devoted732 · Mar 12, 2007, 09:50 AM

Funny Val... but HE KNOWS THAT HE HAS Commitment ISSUES AND HE KNOWS THAT HE NEEDS TO SEE A THERAPIST... SO I AM NOT LABELING.. JUST STATING FACT... HE GETS ATTACHED AND PUSHES AWAY GOOD THINGS... so he's not capable and knows it. I guess though it's hard to comment on someone that you know nothing about ;)

valinors_sorrow · Mar 12, 2007, 10:03 AM

Originally Posted by Devoted732

Funny Val....but HE KNOWS THAT HE HAS COMMITTMENT ISSUES AND HE KNOWS THAT HE NEEDS TO SEE A THERAPIST... SO I AM NOT LABELING.. JUST STATING FACT... HE GETS ATTACHED AND PUSHES AWAY GOOD THINGS ... so he's not capable and knows it. I guess though it's hard to comment on someone that you know nothing about ;)

No need to yell, Devoted (caps is considered yelling here).

And oddly enough while I don't know him specifically, I do know about people -- which is why I post in those topics and get lots of positive feedback/confirmation from others here too. I actually know specifically about people who own businesses, are in recovery and are successful at relationships. You could say I have some pretty good creditials for knowing about those particular aspects of people. But since you don't really know me very well here, I wouldn't expect you to realise that. Its okay if you don't want to take my advice. Its offered only to be of help to you. If you want me to refrain from commenting on any of your posts, you only need ask and I will oblige.

Devoted732 · Mar 12, 2007, 10:45 AM

Sorry... I didn't know caps was yelling on here... I posted my story again on here so the other person that responded could read it and give me some other advice. I appreciate your advice.. I do... And yes, I understand the stress with having his own business and everything but it's also deeper than that with the commitment problem. I know this plays a lot with his relationships. Even his friends have said that he does this... gets close to someone and then pushes them away.. and it is a problem I know we should work on together. Two months isn't a lot of time to get to know someone, but I believe it is ample time to know how you feel and if you want to continue the relationship.

manimuth · Mar 13, 2007, 07:34 AM

Devoted,
After reading everything you've wrote, I'll repeat what I said: Be patient. That does NOT mean play hard to get. Yes, pick up his calls and spend time with him. But, be understanding if he wants his space. Don't push him to do or say things he is not comfortable with. You have let him know that you are OK with slowing things down but I'm not sure you talked about exactly what that means. Make sure you ask him what he wants and set the parameters. Does slowing down mean keeping the relationship open and seeing other people or that you don't sleep over anymore or what?
If he knows he needs to see a therapist, encourage him to do so. If you like him enough to invest into this relationship, then be patient, supportive, and understanding. But, if you want more than what he can offer at this point, move on.

Also, please read Val's advice with an open heart. Val is an experienced poster and has great advices. It is your choice not to take it but we all can use a look into ourselves.

Good luck

Devoted732 · Mar 13, 2007, 10:45 AM

I know... I didn't mean to "yell' on the post.. I didn't even know caps were yelling. I'm new to this....

We spoke about slowing down... still being gf/bf but slowing down. I am going to try and take the control with this one because I'm not exactly sure he even knows what he wants. He talks about slowing down but then wants me to be around all the time. That is not slowing down so I think I need to set my boundaries... I am not going to call him back right at the second he calls.. I will wait a little... I'm not going to text him back right away.... I'm not going to spend the nites there anymore... as my mother put it, "go over, have sex and do what you want to do, but then come home... don't stay"... and I'm going to do just that. I am open to giving him his space and what he needs.. his alone time... and I'm going to keep busy with my own life while I think about exactly what I would like to do. I do very much care about this guy and want to grow into a good relationship but he really has to come to terms with this. I'm going to stick it out a little and see what happens... and then get to a point where I will tell him that I would like him to get help if he feels as though he would like to keep this relationship. I have read a ton about commitment phobia on the net and everything and I refuse to fall under the regimin that I have read about... being pulled in a yo-yo like way... If he wants to be with me and likes me more than a lot like he says, then he will want to work on this I hope.
I did tell him that I read about the commitment phobia to get a better understanding of what exactly it is and entails in people who have this problem. Do you think that I should share this information with him. I also had a conversation with his friend who told me that he has had these issues and they have spoken at great lengths about them. That he does like me a lot and when the texts happened with the ex he got scared... And I know that these types go for relationships that they know will have no commitment in the long run... but with me, he started having feelings, got scared, and wanted to slow things down. But at the same time.. after wanting to slow things down, wanted me to stay and hang out all day.. then wanted to have lunch... then texts... I just don't get it :(

valinors_sorrow · Mar 13, 2007, 11:06 AM

I think you may have done yourself something of a disservice reading about commitment phobia. It sounds like its managed to up your paranoid streak and now you are dissecting every little thing. All those details are not important, especially if they cause you to lose sight of the big picture.

Besides, there is no way to predict where a relationship will go and so it really is one long exercise in One Day At A Time. Nobody gets a guarantee -- not even married people, okay? Plan on being pleasantly surprised every time you get together and demonstrate that clearly you two still have it for each other -- I am and I've been married over a decade. LOL

I like your plan about go your own way and not be so available to him. Either one of you can slow this thing down and it sounds like you have a workable plan at your end to do that. You are dating someone who is very confused. So do your best to rise above it.

Breathe, let go of all the details, enjoy and keep it light. Otherwise you will come off as being phobic yourself about hooking up with a commitment phobic. LOL And that is just too much phobia for a newly formed relationship to stand, okay?

And your apology about the caps is accepted-- you only needed to do that once, Sweetie. I saw that you apologised. Its okay.

Devoted732 · Mar 13, 2007, 11:15 AM

Haha... I liked the last comment you made Val LOL...

I think my plan of action is good I hope.. I know sometimes reading on the internet is not a good idea but the weird thing is that things I have read... it sounds like him and this is why I am scared about it!

valinors_sorrow · Mar 13, 2007, 11:23 AM

Originally Posted by Devoted732

haha... I liked the last comment you made Val LOL...

I think my plan of action is good I hope.. I know sometimes reading on the internet is not a good idea but the weird thing is that things I have read... it sounds like him and this is why I am scared about it!

I am glad we have gained back a little rapport, you and I, thank you.

And maybe a little proportion is needed here. Should he turn out to be unwilling to commit to you after seeing him for some period (longer than a few months, okay? LOL) then you'll simply need to find someone else to be interested it. That's doable, isn't it? Nothing to be scared about really. Maybe you should date others while you date him too. Dating can be done like that, you know.

Now global warming -- there's something to be scared about. :eek:

manimuth · Mar 13, 2007, 12:10 PM

I don't think it is wise to "take control" because "he doesn't know what he wants". I think it is important to help him figure out what he wants. No one wants to be controlled or for someone to make decisions for them (especially for a person afraid of committment).
I think that you have the right idea of backing up and giving him is space but make sure that it doesn't become a game of getting him to chase you. Of course, you don't want to become a yo-yo. Definitely set your parameters and stick to it.
One thing that bothers me is that you seem to do a lot of research behind his back (on your own, with his friends, etc.) Try talking to him directly of what is going on. Let him know how he confuses you. Let him know that you care about him enough to work through this but that he has to do his part as well. Communication is key in any relationship. So start communicating.

Devoted732 · Mar 13, 2007, 12:36 PM

So how do I go about helping him figure out what he wants? I'm so confused as to what exactly I should do... How do I go about communicating with him... Do I not respond to his texts right away or his phone calls right away? Do I be MIA for a day? I don't know what to do... Do I not flirt in my responses..

I did tell him already that I will work with him and that's when we agreed to slow down and keep the relationship. I get so paranoid because in my head I feel like he doesn't really like me and blame myself even though I know it's not me. Ugh... this sux! Lol... I don't mean I'm going to be in total control... but I mean just in control of setting the boundaries of slowing it down because it seems that he says that and then wants to be around me all the time... I asked his friend just to get some advice from an outside source that knows him. He goes to his friends a lot with issues... that I know.

valinors_sorrow · Mar 13, 2007, 02:25 PM

Originally Posted by Devoted732

I get so paranoid because in my head I feel like he doesn't really like me and blame myself even though I know it's not me. Ugh... this sux! lol

Right there is most of your problem and you can do something about it. His confusion is his problem and only he can do something about that. Keep these two problems separate. You work on yours. Leave him to work on his. What I think makes this so difficult is how you've been blurring the two together and then you try to focus on fixing him as a way to solve yours. It ain't never going to work that way.

Try posting about how you tell yourself negative and unfounded things and then react to them as if they are real and see what sort of help you get then, eh?

Devoted732 · Mar 14, 2007, 05:38 AM

It's very hard to just accept that this whole issue is his. I am in therapy and have spoken about this to my therapist and she keeps on saying the same thing... this is not you... you are not the one with the problem... all that you can do is support him, give him his space, and be there for him when he wants to talk about it... keep remembering that you have done nothing wrong... it's not that he doesn't like you or doesn't want you... it's very much so that he does, but is scared to allow himself become vulnerable to someone because of hurt and past issues he has had. I keep trying to tell myself these things, but it's hard and now it's also hard to figure out how I am supposed to act with him. I mean, I am being myself but all the flirtatious text messages and phone conversations I have put on hold so he doesn't feel as though I am pressuring him or as though he is on my mind constantly (which he is)... Last night he called me and we spoke for about 20 minutes. I kept the conversation brief. He asked how my day was, where I was the other night and who I was with, how work was and about that... then told me about his day... He was at his place and his friend was there and they ordered food so I said, "have fun eating dinner and I'll talk to you later because I gotta run downstairs for a few"... and we hung up. I sent him a brief text to just say goodnite later, but I know he has a tendency to fall asleep just like that so there was no response. Now... today, do I pick up the phone when he calls... do I text back when he texts... do I just take the day to think and not communicate. This is why I'm so unsure what to do because I don't want to feel as though I am smothering him.

talaniman · Mar 14, 2007, 06:00 AM

Slow down and get to know the guy before you throw a problem with big words at him. There is no way you can know his problems in a couple of months. Stop with the analysing and just enjoy each other as you get to know him. This is the dating period and you shouldn't be in that deep at this point. Let go and have fun ,and stop reading stuff and throwing on him. Your confusing yourself. Relax and enjoy and let the world take car of itself.

Devoted732 · Mar 14, 2007, 06:17 AM

Lol... I am enjoying things... he labels himself with this problem... so it's not like I'm trying to analyze I'm just stating things he has said to me or that I have been told by his friends... :(

valinors_sorrow · Mar 14, 2007, 06:50 AM

Originally Posted by Devoted732

It's very hard to just accept that this whole issue is his. I am in therapy and have spoken about this to my therapist and she keeps on saying the same thing... this is not you... you are not the one with the problem

If you cannot believe or trust your therapist, then time to shop around for one you can. I think there are talented ones out there and not so talented ones and everything in between. Yours appears to have done you no favor here letting your own paranoia and low self esteem issues go so unresolved. The kind of desperate approach to dating (being scared a two-month old dating arrangement isn't going to work out is desperation) you have portrayed on most of your threads would cause many of the therapists I know to suggest you stop dating for a while and work on what all the desperation is about first, knowing how harmful it is to attracting and experiencing anything healthy.

manimuth · Mar 14, 2007, 07:12 AM

Devoted,
Do you not hear an echo? -from your therapist and from the people responding to you on this forum?
Take it eeeaaassy! Stop over analysing him, you, and this relationship.

I believe I am seeing what Val has seen from the beginning... this has a lot more to do with you than his "issues".

Forget about what he has labelled himself or what you understood from his friends. Stop trying to fix him. Enjoy having him in your life, for now. As you spend more time together, hopefully he will trust you to open up more and then you can both work on problems TOGETHER.