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    guitargal's Avatar
    guitargal Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Mar 11, 2007, 01:15 AM
    I can't choose between two men.
    So here's the background on me. Got out of a four year relationship about two years ago, and since have basically just had friends with benefits and strings of one and two month relationships.

    I know it's wrong, and that I've lost my "moral compass" but I'm dating two people. One of them, let's call him "x" knows that I've been seeing "y" since January. Recently "y" asked me to be his girlfriend, and I felt pressured, and ended up saying yes.

    So here's where it gets complicated... I dated "x" previously. I was going through a lot of problems based on the four year breakup, and it didn't work out. He also came over to do laundry and I found out he went through some of my photos on my computer. He brought it up to me and apologized, and said that he didn't know much about me, and I was always shut down, and while that didn't excuse his actions, it fueled them. We broke up after about two months.

    So, "x" decided to leave me flowers on valentine's day, and he and I decided to grab drinks and try to be friends, but when I saw him there were feelings there. I was already dating "y", and I let him know. I don't know, I kind of think anyone that would still think enough of me even after I broke their heart nine months later, is something...

    "Y" is a great guy... I play in a band, and he's at every show, cheering me on, and I told him I need someone who understands I'm really busy and doesn't pressure me for time. He is completely respectful of all of my annoyances, and supportive of what I want to do. The thing is, pretty much every night he's out with his friends at some bar or other singing karaoke, and I'm not sure if it has a lot of long-term ed-ness. He's a great guy, but for some reason I don't feel that pull sexually that you should in the beginning.

    Onto"x". He's very emotional. He definitely wears his heart on his sleeve, but recently he "called me out" on all my stuff. He says I'm in relationships that are "easy" because I'm afraid of being hurt, and that I continually have no-strings attached sexual relationships with guys because I'm afraid to let people in. Wow! It was weird to hear that, because I kind of think he's right. I was talking to my mom the other day, and she thinks that since I broke up with four year guy, there's a lot of things about me which are different that she doesn't like. I've noticed it's easier for me to lie. About just about anything. So, he and I have been seeing each other also. He's needy, but since I've informed him of my needing time to myself, he's been respectful. I am attracted to him, and while we haven't "done that" yet (because he wants to wait because of morals, etc.), the other stuff is ridiculously fun and comfortable. He has a lot of morals, assures me that he's tired of the "hooking up" scene, and wants to have something real. But he wants it with the real me and not the fašade he believes (and I agree) that I present. He has been coming to see my shows as well, and this is why it's getting awkward. He knows about "y", but wants to see resolution, and that's obviously more than generous on his part.

    So, I grew up in a religious household, and now it's sort of fallen by the wayside. It seems like I just don't even know if I can trust my own head anymore... I feel really torn in this respect. One guy is a safe bet, a REALLY good guy that I really want to be completely into, and the other is definitely a risk, but a good guy with morals, and I don't know what to do. Please help guys, and I hope I didn't bore you.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #2

    Mar 11, 2007, 03:43 AM
    Oh, you did bore me and I skipped through some of it.

    The only thing I can tell you is eighter your not ready for any relationship at all, if you think this is the case. I think you should let both guys off the hook. I think this is a fairer situation for both of them. So they are not played anymore.

    If truly in your heart you want to be with one of them, what I think you should do is think what is the best for you. Who makes you happiest, who makes you feel more comfortable, who communicates better, who would be the best influence on you and who is more stable? These are all factors to think about.

    Best of luck, you need to make a decision sooner then later.

    Joe
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #3

    Mar 11, 2007, 06:09 AM
    Choosing between them is the least of your problems. You've lost your moral compass and you need to get it back. That doesn't necessarily mean going back to your childhood religion, but it does mean finding your center and being true to it.

    As far as the guys go, I'd vote for x. He sees through your fašade and wants to know the real you, if you're willing to be that person.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,303, Reputation: 10854
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    #4

    Mar 11, 2007, 07:23 AM
    Stop putting your baggage on these guys, and stay out of relationships until you have dealt with your own issues. Your looking for something and it will take time to find, so put yourself first to heal an grow. For now your just going in circles and not moving forward.
    fallinlove's Avatar
    fallinlove Posts: 9, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Mar 11, 2007, 09:59 AM
    I had the same kind of problem before and it was really hard for me and I felt a lot of pressure and stress. I think it's hard for you to choose because you're going out with one and liking the other one at the same time, love kind of makes you blind with things. So you might not be able to see the difference of which one you truly like. Ask yourself question like what joe told you, it doesn't always work because you like them both and you don't want to let go. It will just take time to think which one's best for you but don't take too long because the longer it takes "x" might have no more feelings for you, and "y" will eventually know there is something wrong.
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #6

    Mar 11, 2007, 10:04 AM
    Until you need no man, no man will be the right choice. I'm with O-Guy and Tal. You need some time off, some time to yourself, time to heal and grow and discover. You need you back and then maybe you can conduct yourself around men in a manner more acceptable to YOU. Take it from someone who has been lost too... finding someone to love you won't change or hide the fact that you are lost to you.
    Showme_urmove's Avatar
    Showme_urmove Posts: 319, Reputation: 101
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    #7

    Apr 16, 2010, 06:42 PM

    you just got out of a four year relationship, I'm thinking this guys are your rebound, You don't know how to cope of being single cause your so used having someone there when you need it. ONce that person is gone, you just don't know what to do with the time you have. You lost your morals, that's a big NO NO, you need to respect yourself and start adding some values in your life.
    If the young you sees what you are doing now, is she going to be proud or look at you all nasty. Keep the fire you had when you were young and don't lose your way just because you had a bad break up. LIfe is to short living with regrets, LOve yourself and pray you will get through this dark time in your life, we all have.

    Its not how many problems you can wish to disappear, but how many ways can you fix the problems.

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