[sillyme1978als]

My ex-fiancee and I are still in contact, really we have been for 13 years.. we remained friends.. well after a few years of no contact.. he left me because we were young, I had already had a baby and he was scared to settle down (19 and 20 yrs old at that time)... So, fast forward.. we tried one time when we were states away from each other to rekindle our relationship.. it didn't work, there was too much distance and had not been enough time to grow up.. so now.. almost 13 years later. I have been married almost 6 and he a little over 7 I think.. anyway, I love my husband.. but we have had a very tumluous relationship, broken up, gotten back together, numerous times.. we were on the verge of absolutely divorcing a year ago... something kept us together and earlier in this year, my husband was diagnosed with cancer.. Yes I know, I sound absolutely heartless as I type.. but you have to understand.. my husband is and most people that know him would vouch for me.. is a jerk.. he's mean to my son from my first marriage, he's mean to daughter together.. this cancer has by no means helped, it has made him even more mean, resentful and hateful to me and our kids as we try to fight this cancer together.. anyway, I feel like I am getting off topic.. My ex fiancée and I have always been friends.. not inappropriately.. but friends, he's married.. I was very close with his family and still am with his sister and a few cousins as we live in a small town and I know most of them... well the last few months have been hard.. I have had these feelings toward my ex again.. I do love him.. he was I think the one I was meant to be with.. but we have went down this path away from each other... and how can I divorce a man with cancer, that is the most horrendeous thing you can imagine... I would be crucified... but my heart hurts.. I don't know what to do... How do I love my ex and my husband, what do I do?