[ultimateguy9]

All right, so this is my first time using these forums to get some help. I have spent the last couple days reading topics on the dreaded "break" and just thought I would share my own situation in hopes of getting some good, positive feedback.

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for just about a year. Things haven't been easy for us to say the least. We both attended the same university and lived close by at school but were only really together for 3 months before she went abroad for a semester. When she came back, I was graduating while she still had a year to go. We both knew about these things going into the relationship but we decided to stick with it.

So I graduated and moved back home. I live about an hour and half away from the university and about two hours away from her, so not that terrible of a situation. For the entire summer, I would see her for a few days every two weeks or so. When we weren't together during the summer we would try to text a little throughout the day and we'd end up talking on the phone or skypeing at night. We would have occasional small fights over technology but nothing serious and it was always fine when we were together.

The summer for her ended in late August and she went back to school. I told her I didn't want to visit too frequently because I didn't want to be "that guy" who graduates and never leaves and also I want her to have fun with her roommates and friends. She works very hard at school (sometimes too hard, I'll admit) on top of having a job on-campus, playing intramurals, student teaching, and the desire to have a social life. I knew I wouldn't have a lot of time to talk to her and would have to make the best out of whatever time she had to speak to me.

It took me 3 weeks to visit her (mid-late September) and she and her roommates seemed excited for me to be there. I got there at dinner time on Friday of that weekend and everything seemed fine. We went out with her friends, both of us got drunk, and then later that night she laid some stuff on me that caught me totally off guard. Out of nowhere it seemed, she said she was so used to being independent and not having to worry about other people and that she was "uncertain". I don't remember exactly word for word what she said but this is certainly the essence of it.

We went back, found a place where we could talk, and talked it over for a good 2-3 hours. She was in tears and I was in tears. Out of rage mostly, I gave her the option to break up with me on the spot if that's what she wanted but she said that I was "perfect" and that she couldn't break up with me. For what it's worth, she knows I can't break up with her either.

During this whole ordeal, as you can imagine, I had a million things running through my head. I gave her the option way back in May that she could have a break if she needed time to adjust (from being gone for 4 months and then adjusting to being with me) at any point. She brought this up at this point and said she wanted time to think about everything. She made it clear that this break would be for us - there would be no hooking up with other people - just time for her to think about her feelings and her life.

From reading these forums I know that 95% of the time a break is either used to give the person on the receiving end of the break false hope or for the person issuing the break to see other people but I believe my situation is different. She has many issues she needs to sort out. As I mentioned before she is really busy and stressed and on top of that she has had pretty severe tendinitis which limits her somewhat (she goes and receives physical therapy and is really stressed about that because the doctors never give her good news). She can't wear heels all the time and for a really active person (she works out everyday) this bothers her.

She admitted to me that she is in the midst of a breakdown and says I am not at fault. She does admit that the last fight we had (back in late August, right when she got back to school) caused her to feel "uncertain" about me. I said some things during that fight that I regret and I apologized for them. It was a really stupid fight with really no substance.

After the ordeal Friday night, I stayed the remainder of that weekend and everything seemed fine. We talked occasionally that week and she re-assured me that we were fine. I visited the next weekend for a night (this past weekend - last weekend in September) and again everything seemed fine. Since the initial incident, I eased off a lot, waited for her to text me and have been happy with the time we got to talk.

Two days ago, I finally pressed her for answers since I haven't been sure of anything the last 2 weeks - asking her if she loved me, if I make her happy. She admits that she does love me but she thought I was going to give her time to sort out everything. She made it clear that she doesn't want to break up but just kind of wants a break. I finally called her later that day and we're now officially on break.

I laid out the ground rules and made it clear I would not talk to her ever again if she was with another guy. Even though I trust her more than anything and have no reason not to, I thought this had to be said. I asked her if we should keep the communication between us, she wasn't sure what to do about it, so I decided that it was best that we go no contact. I told her when she is ready to talk she can talk to me but I will not be the first one to contact her. It's been almost 2 days so far of no contact.

My question to you is, what do you make of this whole scenario? I think the main issue here is with her. She needs to figure things out on her own and I don't think there's anyway I can help her with that (although I want to). She just started seeing a counselor once a week for her issues at the request of her best friend. I think I'm in a good position because her best friend is also good friends with me and likes me a lot.

Should I contact her friend to keep me up to date with what's going on?

I also told my girlfriend that I understand the situation and she told me she doesn't want to string me along. I told her not to worry and to sort out everything with herself. I plan on keeping up my end of the bargain with the no contact. The problem is our 1-year anniversary is coming up and in a few weeks as well as my birthday. I know there is nothing I can do about my birthday but I would hope that even if we are still no contact at that point, that she would still wish me a happy birthday. I think depending on that, I can decide what to do about the anniversary, which comes a little bit later.

The uncertainty over this break is killing me. I want her to be happy and fix all of her issues but I also need to make myself happy. I love her more than anything and it is because of this, that I was willing to wait the 4 months that she was abroad (my last semester of senior year) and also wait for her to sort out of her life. For anyone who has been in this kind of situation, how did it turn out and how long did the break last?

I hope this situation turns out for the best.

Thanks in advance for any input you may have. I just need a good morale boost. I can provide additional details if necessary.

God bless.

[Homegirl 50]

Contacting her friend to be kept up to date is a definite no no. That is an invasion of her privacy and her friend has no right to be doing that.
Don't call her, that is what NC is. Stick to it.
In the meantime go about your life as if she is a friend because at this point that is all she is.

[ultimateguy9]

It's been 10 days of no contact. I'm not going to give in, although it certainly is tempting. How long should I wait before I contact her (since we are still in a relationship)?

[Homegirl 50]

You are on a break. Don't contact her at all. If a move is to be made the move should come from her, not you.
I told her when she is ready to talk she can talk to me but I will not be the first one to contact her.
Your words.

[Fr_Chuck]

On break is really just a nice way to say, you are broke up. There is not date or plan to get back together and normally it does not happen.

No this is not unique, may seem to be for you but this story is so close to 100s of others in this forum over the last 15 years, it would shock you.

Just go on with your life, the more you worry about what she is doing, the longer it takes you to get on with your lfe

[ultimateguy9]

All right, I need help. I gave in and contacted my girlfriend of one year last night to find out what's going on as we've been on break for a week and half and it doesn't look promising. As a little bit of a background, she is a senior in college and I am a recent graduate of the same college. We live about 2 hours away from one another. She told me she needed time to think about what she wanted, how she felt. She has been stressed by medical issues as well as school work on top of that. When I talked to her last night, she said that none of this was my fault and she kept on saying "I'm sorry" about everything. Needless to say, this didn't make me feel any better. She felt terrible but I asked her to tell me what she felt. She felt that we should be compatible (we both like a lot of the same things) but sometimes it's not easy to talk to me and that in her opinion our personalities don't mesh. And she also said how she has just been OK, not really happy over the last month. She said that everything has kind of gone hill during that time (although I didn't really see this myself). She also said that she's not sure she has strong feelings for me anymore.

Ok, so all that sounds REALLY bad from my perspective so you could imagine how tormented I was to hear this. We agreed to meet up Thursday to talk it out in person. She hasn't made up her mind completely- so I'm still holding onto that slim hope that I can change how she's feeling. I can give her certainty in me and change the negative aspects she sees in our relationship. I feel that she is mainly overreacting because of stress and that she will regret it if she breaks up with me. She has only told her counselor and her best friend how she is feeling. Her best friend has a lot of pull on her and after my girlfriend started liking me back about a year ago, it was her best friend that convinced her to go out with me. I plan on talking to the best friend today on the phone in hopes that she can talk to my girlfriend and help my cause. The best friend is really fond of me so I don't doubt that she can help me.

Two days from now, on Thursday, I plan on hearing my girlfriends case again and responding with how I feel and how I've felt the past year. I will tell her that it hasn't always been easy (we dated for two months, she went abroad for 4, I graduated, summer came and we were 2 hours apart, now school starting up for her and I'm looking for a job) and there was a time when she was abroad that I didn't really have feelings anymore (due to lack of communication - her computer broke) and wanted to break up - but I stuck it through and developed them again. I plan on trying to remind her of the good times, all the times we shared together when we were happy. I feel that her happiness level is not determined by just me - but her foot issues, schoolwork, etc. She told me that she doesn't want me to come thinking that I can change her mind so I told her I wasn't going to come with any expectations other than to talk(although that is certainly what I am hoping for). I know I can make her happy. I know we are compatible. It's just sometimes I'm not always in a great mood and I come off as though I don't want to talk or I'm not happy. I always let her do her work and contact me when she's available and don't have problems with her going out. I'm not controlling in any way. I am certain that we can make it work. I just want her to feel the same way.

For the past two weeks, she has been the only thing on my mind and this doesn't help. I didn't sleep well at all last night. I laid in bed for 3 hours trying to fall asleep and when I did fall asleep, I dreamed about us talking and her breaking up with me.

She said she couldn't break up with me two weeks ago - she just needed time to think - but it sounds like she is in position to do so now. I'm probably going to break down a little bit but I will try my best to keep my composure on Thursday. Is there any hope for my situation or am I clinging to false hope? I just want to find the right things to say on Thursday to make what is ultimately her decision as hard as possible. That's all I can do. I don't want to use tactics such as black mail or to threaten her, I just want to tell her how I feel. The sad part about this whole situation is that I feel everything would be better if only I was there. We used to go do homework together in the library on school days and now she's off in the library doing her work and I'm stuck at home. We are so much better when we are together than when we go weeks without seeing each other and communicate only by phone and Skype. Maybe this is what I should tell her. Perhaps I could also tell her that I can visit her more frequently. I've already been there twice this semester. Can someone pleaseee give me advice on what to do? I feel so lost and helpless.

[ultimateguy9]

All right, here's a little background. My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. She is a senior in college and I just graduated. We are both 21 and this for both of us is our first serious relationship - not to mention it has been mainly long distance. We met last year around this time, started becoming interested in each other, began dating for a few months, she went abroad for 4 months, came back and I was graduating, then summer hit and now she's back at school and I'm 2 hours away from her. We hung out all the time when we were at school together, talked everyday when she was abroad (until her computer broke about half way through - but we still talked, just not as much), and hung out once a week or so this summer. Not everything was perfect but we made it work and we both were happy. Up until a few weeks ago, she would tell me she loved me, missed me, wanted us to work out so badly, etc. Now she is telling me that at this point she doesn't have feelings (although she is confused about A LOT - she said she doesn't have feelings for ANYTHING - her words) and that she doesn't even know if she wants to try to make this work.

In her opinion, our relationship has been going downhill the past month. I've only visited her twice since she's been at school(excluding yesterday which I'll describe below) and we haven't really been able to communicate a lot because she has been overloaded with schoolwork, student teaching, a job on campus, intramurals, foot problems where she has to see a doctor (and all the stresses from that), and a social life. Now she sees a counselor every few days for all her anxiety and stresses. We're like every couple - we fight on occasion but nothing too serious. She basically told me 4 weeks ago (the first night I visited) that she's "uncertain" about us but she said she didn't want to break up, just wanted time to think it over. This isn't the first time she has had these kinds of doubts - she had them when she was abroad and when she got back but things got better. Anyway, I gave her a break for a week and half and then pressed her for answers. I called her and she told me that she doesn't like how I'm so passive, that I'm such a great guy and we should be compatible but we aren't in her opinion, and I'm not always easy to talk to. The big blow was her saying that she lost her feelings - that sometimes she thinks they're there but they're not. This stuff was said a few days ago when we talked on the phone. Yesterday, I met with her to sort all of this out. I drove up 2 hours to see her and we talked for an hour and a half. I honestly was preparing for the worst but hopeful that we could work things out. I was able to talk to her about how I felt and we agreed at a compromise. She said herself that she felt better about what we decided on. The compromise is that she must talk to me (on the phone, in person, or on skype) for the bare minimum of 10 minutes every day. This may not seem like a lot, but I feel like it was the communication aspect that was missing from our relationship since she's been at school. Over that time, she has become kind of short/cold with me (through texting - I'm sure this is due to her feelings changing) and between the no-contact break and all of her work, we've barely had time to actually talk about things other than her feelings. I also told her that we will hang out and see each other in person at least once a week. This will be big too because it's a lot harder when you can't see the person for weeks on end. I understand that and want to be there for her so she doesn't forget about me and has something to look forward to. She even admits that we get along so much better when we're together.

So that's the spark notes of my situation. I can provide more details if need be. Please know that I will not be the one to break up with this girl (that's not an option I'm willing to consider at this point - I'm willing to let her break up with me if that is ultimately what she decides). I love her and at one point she had strong feelings for me too. That's why I am willing to put up with all of this. She is so confused about everything. My question to you is what can I do to TRY to get her feelings back? I understand that this might not be possible but I, personally, am willing to put in some effort. I agree I shouldn't have to try, it should come naturally, but honestly, looking back on everything, I think I took her love for granted. She wanted to go on dates when I saw her and we would but it was kind of the same old stuff. I know that I need to be excited to talk to her and do things to rekindle the fire in her. I will take her out every time I come up and surprise her with where we're going to go - whether it be a restaurant or a place that she's not accustomed to going. I'm willing to start over completely from square one because I think that's what's best and hopefully win her feelings back.

Please let me know if anyone has had success in this type of situation or has been in this kind of situation and how it turned out.