[bleedingtears]

I'm just wondering, would anyone be willing read this and respond? I'm scared to discuss how moving in with my boyfriend has made our relationship negative.

You see, before we got together, I said, "are you sure you want me?" "I'm broken." "My heart isn't sure how to believe that you'd want to be with someone whose heart is broken in so many pieces." But, he said, "I want to help put the pieces back together." Would you believe those words? I melted. I did. I believed what he said.

He was wonderful. He put up with me. He made me laugh. He was always attentive. His lips seemed to know my heart. I was so loved. I felt it. We were inseparable.

I felt it in his touch how he longed to be with me after work and would always call, just because. I even felt loved when we were apart because when I walked through the door he would lovingly embrace me. When he saw me he'd immediately be affectionate. I felt like I was alive around him. I felt like I had never known love, until he showed me what it felt to be loved by him.

Now, writing this down, brings a smile to my face. Reminiscing of the time that I felt his heart beating for me, and I for him. I sometimes look at our photos, wondering, "where did those people go?" Where did we go? How did I get to this place?

I was such a happy college-girl. I worked and went to school. I studied so hard and my clinicals rotations were brutal, but all the time I didn't give up. I honestly felt sincerely loved because he showed me: even with no makeup, head in a book, studying and going hours without sleep, he reinforced how much he wanted me. He knew exactly how to relieve my stress.

I was so grateful to have someone be encouraging throughout my studies. I could not have had been able to sit for my state board exam and earned my license, if not for his emotional support. Now I'm working in the hospital but he said, "it's time to pay him back for all the change he spent on me." I was shocked. I feel hurt right now. I don't know what to do.

We've been together for four years and eight months. I want our relationship to work, but I feel ever since we recently moved-in together, our relationship is no longer what it used to be.

I want to save our relationship. I gave him my heart. He's my air. He told me, "he wanted to be with me no matter what." I believe in him, in us.

What am I supposed to do when my heart is torn up. I expressed that we never fought over finances when I had my own place. I want to be with him but I told him, "it would be healthier for us if I moved," than my boyfriend said, "I need you to help pay for our living expenses."

I feel emotionally drained about his constant reminders that, "he's given so much, that I will never be able to give him as much as what he's given me."

When he said that, I felt my heart drop. I never thought he was keeping tabs on who gives who what, or how much. I had thought when you give someone something, its because you are thinking of them.

If I was giving, it was because I wanted to. Never did I think receiving a gift from him was collateral. Never would I have thought one day I would be told, "I've given you so much what are you going to give me." You don't give with expectations of something in return, right? Every gift I gave him was from my heart, my love, thinking of him.

Prior to moving-in, he always acted as though I was worth it, he'd even say, "that I was worth it." I felt loved. I felt this guy was different. I felt he sincerely cared. I want to be with him. I want to stop the tears from falling. I'm so hurt. I'm so emotionally drained about our situation. I co-signed our lease. I want to be together, but I feel unhealthy living together. I can't believe he said, "he needs me to make money." I don't even know if anyone is out there reading this, sigh.

[joypulv]

I don't think it's so shocking that someone who supported me both emotionally and financially for 4-5 years would expect me to at least chip in equally after I finished school and had a job. It's also common for the abundance of tender loving care to wane after a while. It really does sound like you needed a LOT of mending over some past grief, and he may feel drained on all fronts. You say you feel drained, but I think he deserves to feel drained for a much longer time.
I can't tell if you feel wounded by having to split the rent and expenses or if he expects more than half as repayment for the school years. You aren't clear about what he wants from you financially. I hope I'm not being hurtful, but you do sound like you wound easily over practical matters, and also that maybe you expect a man to do the providing. I also wonder how much of this cold attention to repayment on his part is based on a feeling of lack of love and appreciation from you for him. You write all about how he was so willing to put up with you as a broken heart, but it seems to have carried on through all these years, and I don't see any reciprocation. Sorry!

[tickle]

I see a lot of taking and no giving on OP's part and quite frankly she needs a little bit of professional help to get rid of her tendency to need all of this 'mending' which seems to have gone on forever.

No, I don't blame your s/o for wanting financial help. It is a two way street.

[AK lawyer]

I'm just wondering, would anyone be willing read this and respond? ... I don't even know if anyone is out there reading this, sigh.

You are more likely to get a response if you:

• start your own thread instead of adding your post onto an old one;
• put it in the relationship forum instead of the legal forum; and
• ask a question.

[cdad]

Thread moved from Family Law

[Fr_Chuck]

Sounds like you two never talked, he was expecting a pay day because all he did to help you. And in some ways perhaps I can see that he could feel that way. But saying it may be more the issue.

But communication has to be fixed, does he now know how bad you feel about this, if not, it is way past time for a long talk.

[JayneHampton]

Bleedingtears, you really need to get yourself back to the carefree person you once were, it's not your boyfriends job to get you back to being you, it's down to you, when you get there I'm sure you will notice a difference in his attitude towards you. It's true what they say, you have to love yourself in order to receive love.

I would also say that you need to talk, openly and honestly with each other. I've been married for 22 years and we've had more than our fair share of problems, just read my posts to see the recent ones. I understand that relationships do change when you move in together, I can still remember thinking 'why doesn't he want me every night' the answer was obvious, we were comfortable together and didn't need the physical side of the relationship every night. You develop a deeper level of relationship when you share a home together, there are the practicalities of day to day life to contend with now and yes, this does mean money.

Honestly I think you need to focus on you for a while and stop obsessing over the little things. Imagine if you were returning home to find your partner in tears all the time, wouldn't this frustrate you because you couldn't help them or didn't know why. You don't have to be his entire world, you have to be yours.

[bleedingtears]

Hello, hello there jOYpulv. First, I wanted to express that it has meant a lot that you took the time to respond; I appreciate your time.

As I had earlier publicly poured my heart out, I see a misunderstanding. I would like to address clarification, in response to quote, '[I don't think it's so shocking... for 4-5 years... ].' If I may, we've been together for four years and eight months, with which during the duration of my studies I had my own place. That prior to recently co-signing, our effective, as of July, 2012 lease, we were not living together. As of July, 2012, I achieved my license, after passing my state board exam.

In response to quote, '[I can't tell if you feel wounded by having to split the rent and expenses... ]'

It goes without saying, that student-loans accrue interest. Through the undisclosed hospital-employer, I earn the opportunity to responsibly contribute to half our living-expenses, as well as bills, ie: repay Salliemae.

Knowingly, I didn't want to accumulate more interest on student-loans, thus, the majority of my paycheck is spoken for. When we were not living together, I believe we were healthier, we didn't fight over finances.

We'd only been living together for a few months, when he began acquiring 'extras.' He further dropped news that at the end of this month, September, would be the beginning of a series of 'trips.' I was heavy-hearted at his response, after communicating that my ability to afford only our discussed, half of our living expenses, was not okay with him. Furthermore, in addition to taking on all living-expenses, that until next July, 2013, in order to cover said, 'trips,' I'd have to deny Salliemae. I wrote to this site because I needed to voice my frustration.

As previously written, I want to still be together. I communicated that so that we don't fight, it would be healthier that we not live together. The inability to take on his 'extras' was not well-received.

[joypulv]

I did fully understand that you were together but not living together for 4 to 5 years.
The new information about your student loans and his wish to go on trips adds more clarification. We often don't 'see' the whole story here, and it isn't easy for people to write about it in a way that covers the whole situation.
In your story, the details all boil down to lack of communication between you two. After that many years you both should be talking at length about finances, and clearly weren't. In addition, you both seem to have bottled up feelings about emotional support. It's easy for vague frustrations to spill over into concrete ones like money.
You might benefit from a session with a financial counselor, or a couples counselor who has a good sense of finances.
Large studies of thousands of couples reveal that money is the number 1 subject of dissension.

[JaeBeam]

I can't add anything too constructive. Just tell you to hang in there. I'm going through something similar.

My partner is moving out this week after moving in for only 5 months. Seemed that all was well when we had our own spaces. Tho it probably wasn't.

Anyway, you are not alone and folks are reading your story. It hurts, but I think it helps to share. For me, I realize that perhaps there really isn't anything wrong with me after all if all these other folks are going through similar issues...

[iaskuanswer]

Message withdrawn.

[talaniman]

Wonder how he was going to cover his half of the bills when he decided to take these mysterious trips?

Seems they should have no bearing on already agreed upon obligations unless he is taking you with him. I can see being apprehensive about his time away, and a sudden change in your obligations.