[Denise44]

My husband and I have 6 children between us; 3 girls ages 24,16,12, and 3 boys ages 17,12,4. The 24 year old recently moved because we are just so overcrowded. When we purchased our home we could only afford/qualify for a 3 bedroom (that was the only thing in our budget) and we only had 5 kids to worry about back then. When we had the baby we thought we would have been able to sell and purchase a bigger home. But the problem with the housing market changed that. Now we are stuck here with a 4 year old sharing our bedroom. The girls are like night and day and they complain about sharing a room but I think they are all right with it really. Our problem is the little one and him being 'displaced'. The 17 year old is so moody, and extremely territorial, he doesn't even like sharing his room with his 12 year old brother when he spends time with us which is usually weekends and holidays. It hasn't been that much recently because of some issues we were having with him and his mom. But because the 17 year old is so territorial and so 'weird' at times, moody and does not like people in his space and/or touching his things, its pretty bad,I am so scared to death about putting my baby in there with him, but my sanity is suffering. We can't be as intimate as we want to having a 4 year old in his bed right next to us. Does anyone have any suggestions?? Thanks in advance. There are additional questions to this but I will post them later.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes have a heart to heart ( serious) talk with the 17 year old, and tell him if he don't want it touched put it away or you will throw it away if he complains. Time for some real tough love. Next since as a parent I would have been in his room checking up on him regularly he would have been used to his "room" being entered anyway. Tell him this is the way life is going to be and he can move out at 18 if he does not like it but for not, the 4 year old goes in with him.

Another issue too late, but at 1 or 2, when he was14 or 15 is when this should have happened anyway.

He should be baby sitting his brother when you go out and at 17 should be responsible for a lot of help and duties around.

Do all the kids do most of the household duties ?

[joypulv]

While I agree with Fr_Chuck that you are the parents and you set the rules, I also am sympathetic to kids from three marriages. I don't see why the entire family can't sit down after dinner some night and talk seriously about finances, houses, and acting responsible and accepting the limitations of their lives. Ask them how they would solve the sleeping arrangements, but make it clear that the final decision will be yours.
I'd go with the 17 year old staying as is with the occasional 12 year old, and put the 4 year old in with the girls. I know that's skewed, but I'm actually giving some thought to teen boys having some privacy for masturbating. The girls, if they need time alone, can be more surreptitious. I don't think it's wrong of me to be biased. Another option, if there's a dining room, is to close it off for another bedroom, and eat in the living room until the 17 year old leaves home.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes 4 year old with girls is always a option, did not think or that.

[Denise44]

Omg... I just answered all of the questions and my wifi went out and I lost everything... grrr..

[Denise44]

First of all let me explain the demographics here. My husband had 2 boys and I had 3 girls when we met. His oldest son was abandoned by his mom when he was 2 so I am the only mommy that he knows. His youngest son travels between 2 homes. My girls father and I divorced in 2004. He barely sees them and they choose to call my husband 'daddy'. My ex knows this. And yes, they all know that we will walk in, spot check, as we please. We do however understand what teens go through, both male and female. And while they know that sex is not allowed in the house; neither company in their rooms, we do know that both BOYS AND GIRLS will possibly engage in masturbation at some point, that's something that cannot be prevented. I know they won't be raving lunatics and a certain amount of decorum is needed, but we still want to give them some type of privacy without the pesky little brother being around all of the time. I remember those days. So that's another reason why we are leery about putting him in with them, trying to keep the fights to a minimum. And as far as us going into their rooms at will, we set up a system where I go into the girls room and my husband goes into the boys room, I just can't take seeing any funny stuff if that makes sense. Yes they all know that if they want it they better put it away or its fair game for the little one or the puppy. But when I say cramped I mean cramped, we really are bursting at the seams and not because we have a lot of stuff, we just don't have any available space to put anything. My mum was going to move out just for that reason, to give us more space. But like so many families these days, we can't afford for her to leave and she can't afford to leave us. We also need her because I am still recovering from major surgery due to Breast Cancer; I still have at least one more surgery to go and at times need around the clock help. The first surgery took a lot out of me and I was in a wheelchair for a couple of months. Something no one expected least of all me. The kids have been fantastic with the help. Along with taking care of their baby brother, they have chores and they take care of the cooking for the most part. I can't remember the last time that I have cooked honestly. So yes they have chores and they babysit. The dining room is also not an option as we have an open floor plan. So you see we have pretty much thought of and exhausted most of the available options. We are just so cramped and although there is room for expansion in several areas, we just can't afford to do it ourselves. I recently started my own company. Its not the ideal time to do it because of the space issue, but I felt compelled, driven to do it because its not about me in the long run, its about all of the women I can potentially help if things go the way I expect them to. I make no money from this organisation, it's all about the cause and awareness. Lastly, our son stayed back a year before I came into his life. What others deemed as ADHD, I surmised that he was missing something in his life: a mommy and once I stepped in and provided what he needed, people saw that it wasn't what they thought it was. He really did blossom into a whole new person. Yes he still has many issues, he is selfish and extremely territorial and I see some control issues. All qualities thst can be a problem when he gets into relationships. I am working with him on those issues as best as I can, telling him about the life I lived begore I met his dad, but it will be a while before we see the results of it. So God willing he will graduate with his sister in 2 years instead of 1.

[Fr_Chuck]

Any chance of any room, or part of a garage being made into a room for 17 year old?

I had a similar issue but all boys and my 17 year old moved to another family member, not always a best option.

[joypulv]

I hope I didn't come across as critical, or sounding as though you hadn't given this a lot of thought already. Given what you have added (including your mother being there too), I don't see any solution, and I guess you are doing what is best already.

My brother and wife had 8 children in a 4 bedroom small house and at some point took all the doors off their bedrooms because of the fighting and door slamming and keep out stuff. It isn't easy to be considerate of privacy yet get across the concept that privacy is a luxury that not all kids can have, nor should they. There's probably a billion people in the world living in one room huts as we all did for thousands of years. This idea of a kid hiding out in his own room full of toys and electronics is a new one.

[Denise44]

I hope I didn't come across as critical, or sounding as though you hadn't given this a lot of thought already. Given what you have added (including your mother being there too), I don't see any solution, and I guess you are doing what is best already.

My kqebrother and wife had 8 children in a 4 bedroom small house and at some point took all the doors off their bedrooms because of the fighting and door slamming and keep out yristuff. It isn't easy to be considerate of privacy yet get across the concept that privacy is a luxury that not all kids can have, nor sshould they. There's probably a billion people in the world living in one room huts as we all did for thousands of years. This idea of a kid hiding out in his own room full of toys and electronics is a new one.

Wow... didn't know I could do that... lol... Oh no you're cool... that's why I came on here, to get the opinion of others as my mum, hubby and I and even the kids at times have wracked our heads with no solutions. The bottom line is we paid way too much money for this crap of a house that is steadily falling apart around us (kitchen) when we really could have purchased something that better suited our needs, but I dropped the ball obviously and didn't do my research good enough. Oh well.. apples and oranges. And the idea about taking the doors? Did that. Lasted about 3 months. Mum couldn't take certain things about it and went on strike until we put them back. She wanted the master bedroom when we moved here, for obvious reasons: the private bathroom. Hubby and I were send down yonder, the basement (split level). Boy does she ever wish she had chosen differently. And you're absolutely right about us and how we live. We tend to take advantage of the blessings that are bestowed upon us, and some aren't even thankful. They think it'd their God given right to have what they do. Buy look around. Most people are one paycheck away from being homeless; others don't even know what its like to sleep in a bed; and yet still there are dome who have to share a bed... with 5 other people. So, in that respect, I sure hope I didn't sound whiney, and believe me, I thank God every single day for all of my blessings. My husband for instance. He was man enough to step up and be responsible for 3 daughters who already had a dad, knowing that doing that invited this man from hell, into his life. And these past 7 years have been tough with said man.

[Denise44]

Any chance of any room, or part of a garage being made into a room for 17 year old?

I had a simular issue but all boys and my 17 year old moved to another family member, not always a best option.

When we purchased the house it was with the understanding that in a year or two, we would hire someone to convert the garage into a love den (TEEHEE) for us. Then when we had the little one, the room that we are in now would be his, so that he would be nice and close to us. I wish that we could have applied to that home makeover program, believe me. But someone had to sponsor you and we had no one to to that for us. And we are upside down on our house so a loan is out of the question.

[Denise44]

I'm sorry you guys.. I don't want to come off as though I have all of the answers, so why am I on here type of stuff, because I really and truly don't, or I wouldn't be wasting your time asking questions that I already had the answers to. I just have a very analytical mind that never shuts off. That's why I started 3 of my own businesses, one being a copy-editor. My husband thinks I'm putting so much on myself given the circumstances, but that is the only company that I expect a financial turn around. I have to find a way to help bring in the money. I just don't see myself working for someone after almost 17 years and he agrees. I'm best being my own boss. But anyway, I just wanted to say that I really don't have the answers; I really am stuck. (Don't hold my typos against me now that you know one of my occupations. Lol) .